the drunk "I love you"

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
the drunk "I love you"
8
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 10:54am

I have been dating a guy for 6 weeks. We have actually been friends for over a year, so much of the figuring each other out, trusting each other, opening up, etc, was done long before we started seeing each other as more than friends.

2 weeks ago, we had a fight over some things that I said. He basically told me that since he has known me, I jump into relationships, and then I bale as quickly as I fall. That he wants to take things slow, see how they develop. He said that if I want to move quickly, then he isn't the guy for me; That it takes longer than a month of two to "date" and that he isn't there yet with me.

So, after hearing that, I backed off. I let him set the pace. But, I also put up a little wall (which I shouldn't do, but I did). I decided, ok, I am going to do what I want, see who I want, and if he wants to go out with me, he will. Well, since then, we have gone out several times, and have gotten much closer.

Saturday night, he was pretty drunk. I didn't really notice it until later on the evening. But, he made a comment about not liking the lotion that I had on, and I said, jokingly, well, now I am self-conscious. He responded, well, I don't like the lotion, but I love you. I didn't respond. I am not sure why I didn't respond. He repeated it. I think I blocked out my reaction b/c I honestly cannot remember what I said. I had also been drinking, but I had maybe 3 drinks, not drunk by any means. He pulled out some lingerie that bought for me. And then he started talking about our connection, etc. He said the I love you a third time a little while later.

The thing is, he just wasn't acting like himself. He was overly attentive, overly affectionate, overly expressive. He typically is all of those things, but it just took me off guard considering the "we need to take things slow" conversation that we had 2 weeks earlier.

I did not handle the "I love you" comment all that well. I kept asking him what was wrong with him, I kept telling him he was acting different.

I know he was VERY intoxicated. So, how do I handle this? Do I assume he doesn't remember the comments, or do I bring it up? I did not handle it all that well, so I am a bit embarassed how I reacted, as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 11:25am

Based on what you posted he sounds like a head trip. It also sounds like he wants complete control over the relationship and you, right down to your lingerie, lotion, and dating style. It is too soon for him to be making you over, in my opinion. Your wall, or your gut is telling you that you are not being treated correctly. So he wants to date around to make sure that he gets the best choice,huh? He's telling you you are in a competition to stir up your anxiety and insecurity. He is behaving inappropriately so keep that wall up.

The drunk "I love you" means nothing.

Sometimes people are better off as friends than as lovers. You are getting to see a side to him that doesn't seem appealing. If it were me, I would dump him. I dated a guy for only 3 weeks like that and he turned out to be very abusive and a woman, not too long ago, filed for a restraining order against him. There is a difference between controlling and abusive and a man who is confident in himself and portrays a "manly" way about him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2006
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 2:31pm

Never put stock in anything man says when he is drunk. "I love you", "Will you marry me?" They all mean nothing if the guy has to be plastered when he says it. his behavior seems very odd and I would pay very close attention if you continue to date him. As Snafu mentioned it does sound like he was playing some kind of head game with you. Keep your eyes open.

Good luck,
YG

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 9:36am
Hmmmmm controlling? really? I really didn't get that vibe from him. Now, I am starting to look back and think whether the little gestures were his way of controlling me. I don't feel like his "making me over." He has never tried to get me to wear what we wants or do what he wants. Most of what we do is a joint decision, but looking back.........now I am starting to wonder.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 10:55am
My post was based on the content of your original post. If there is more to him or to the story, please let us know. There is nothing wrong with a man giving a woman lingerie, in and of itself, but if he starts becoming increasingly critical about you or the products you buy then there is something wrong. Why would he want to date someone who has a list of qualities that he doesn't like? Some men need to be in control of the pace of the relationship instead of just letting things "happen".
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 4:22pm

Oh good grief.

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 5:16pm

Most people are on their best behavior when they first start dating.


Carrie

Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 1:08pm

ITA!

And for the record, when I went on one of the early dates with DBF, I went to pick him up and, being dark out, I could SMELL him before I could see him. Literally. The cologne he had one was SO strong, and it was also the same scent as the one my high school basketball team used to practically BATHE in after games (I was a cheerleader, so had to ride the bus with these heavily scented men).

I didn't know how I would handle it but I also knew that there was no way I could date him on an ongoing basis having to smell that every time I saw him. I teased him about it (gently), but I HAD to say something about it.

I don't think it was controlling on my part in any way. He wears what he wants, he does what he wants, but he no longer wears that fragrance. We went and picked out one that we BOTH like.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 1:20pm
As you know intoxication lowers inhibitions so there are elements of how he feels most likely in what he said. But you can't totally count on that and I think you should stick to the taking things go motto. However does he know he said I love you? You said he acted differently but did you tell him what he said?
,