Dumped again..

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2003
Dumped again..
24
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 7:31am
Now I really feel like giving up.. I'm a 33 yr old woman who is practically going crazy not understanding where and why my relationships fail every time.

During the last year I've been dating 4 guys, all of which have called it quits! The first one I dated for a couple of months, after him pursuing me strongly for quite a while. He even said he loved me on his own initiative, although he was afraid of scaring me away by telling me (I hadn't said it first), before he, 1,5 weeks later, told me (after I confronted him on why he was bailing on me) that he had gotten cold feet and wanted out. The next one I had 4 nice dates with (no sex involved), and he later told me that he needed closure with an ex and therefore couldn't give us "his all", although he was really fascinated by me (he's now in love and living with a completely different girl).The third one I actually became exclusive with (boyfriend)after dating about 1 month, and he told me I was the ONE, and that he was deeply in love with me. After 3 months he suddenly changed his mind, he wasn't in love anymore and didn't really know why...

The last one I've recently been on 4 dates with, all really great. On the first date he told me he was so happy he called me and that he was afraid of scaring me away with his advances (although he was a real gentleman). I may have gotten the impression that he liked being single, though, and that children was something that was way into the future (I didn't ask him about it first). We never had sex except a little fooling around on our last date. He texted me just to say hi after this incident, but I haven't heard from him since, no new dates planned. It's been about a week, but I'm almost sure I won't hear from him again now.

I know you all will think that I'm doing something wrong in particular to send these guys running, but all I can say is this: The guys pursue ME, they tell me I'm gorgeous, smart, funny, kind, independent (also financially), good taste, sweet, affectionate etc etc. They all wonder why I'm single, since I seem to be such a great catch.. The last one asked me whether I always tired of the guys really fast, since I had had quite a few short relationships.

They seem really into me during the dates (most of them also in between), and I've never been blown off until at least the 4'th date with anyone. I never pursue THEM, I only send the occasional text or mail to say thank you for a date maybe, or just "how are you", just not to be totally passive and show some interest as well. I'm not telling them I want to get married soon or have babies right away, so that shouldn't be scaring them off either.

The thing is; a lot of these guys tell me about exes who've been crazy jealous, bisexual, had lots of issues etc etc, while I'm neither.. It seems to me that as a good looking, smart, easygoing, kind, down to earth woman without tons of quirks and emotional baggage to unload on my guy, I'm losing in this game.. Do guys really need all the drama? Is it boring when you're just "normal"? I'm not playing hard to get or anything, but it seems as though these guys see it as a challenge until they have dated me a few times, then they seem to get bored or something? Is me being "difficult" the only way to make them fall and stay in love with me? I'm just so confused and tired of all this...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2004
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 9:13am
Well I think it's unfamiliar.

I'm very laid back, not jealous type etc. I dated a man that wanted all that, didn't like the previous girls that were up his butt and jealous all the time. The problem was when he and I were together he kept EXPECTING me to act the way his previous girlfriends did and when I didn't it freaked him out MORE!

It was very strange, people gravitate towards the same type of person no matter if they are good for them or not...so you just have to wade through all the bad ones to find the good one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2003
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 9:56am
Yes, it is strange... My last date actually told me about one time his ex girlfriend totally freaked out on him out of jealousy, literally screamed at him and called him on his cell like a thousand times afterwards. Also it seemed she was close to cheating on him and served him quite a few lies. I replied to that insinuating and kind of expecting that he gave her the boot for this behavior, but he answered: "Oh, no.. you know, a relationship has its ups and downs.."

Guys claim they want a low maintenance woman, but it seems in the end of the day that it bores them and that they get addicted to the excitement of a drama queen or the emotionally unstable. When you're calm, collected, understanding and independent you are no challenge to them. Maybe I'm just too "easy" to be with! I really don't know, but from our experiences i at least seems that way.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 11:42am
Eh, four is just a run of bad luck, IMO! Dating is a numbers game, you just need to keep at it until you find someone who is right for you. These guys weren't. I don't think it's anything YOU are doing. Remember, you can't "scare off" a guy who is right for you!

I do see a similar red flag in several of the guys you describe, however, and that's that they came on so strong in the beginning. That is almost always a red flag...it usually means they have an unhealthy, fantasy view of r'ships. An emotionally healthy man knows that r'ships take time to build, and they don't talk about "love" after one month! So, when you experience this, be VERY skeptical.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2003
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 12:21pm
I think it can be a number of things as to why you are successful at hooking up but not staying in a relationship. You say you are "a catch" maybe they realize if they can hook up with you, then they will have no trouble meeting lots of women.

Sort of what happens to Halle Berry...she is freakin gorgeous and guy still cheat on her, I think its because they have the ultimate beauty so they don't have higher standards so they get bored. Just my theory...

Also if you say you are nice,and normal guys also want unpredictablity...they want to try to figure you out, if you are the same day in day out they do get bored as well. You have to be more unpredictable, don't always return calls, don't always say yes to dates...KEEP THEM GUESSING! Guys marry the girls they think they will lose otherwise, so don't be such a "sure thing".....GOOD LUCK!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 12:49pm
I said this to one other poster, or two, and I'll say this to you.

There's nothing wrong with you. It's not about you.

I agree with the poster that suggested watching out for those who are hot and heavy quickly. Relationships take time, it takes time to get to know someone, and it certainly takes time to know if you love them.

I disagree with the idea that you need to be unpredictable. Just be who you are.

It is confusing, and highly annoying. It seems the guys that pursued you are confused. Perhaps they have no clue what they really want. I know of a guy who claims he's ready for a real relationship, but he continues to sabotage the ones that come his way.

Based on what you say, I don't believe it has anything to do with you. It sounds like you are a catch, as am I, and others on this board. For whatever reason, it's just not time.

Some people do seem to thrive on drama. They don't feel alive unless there is some excitement, no matter unhealthy it might be. They can have it, as far as I'm concerned.

I wish I could say "love is just around the corner, hang in there!" and mean it. I don't know that, not even for myself. Whatever happens, stay gorgeous, smart, funny, kind... and keep raising the bar. And take care of yourself.

A~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 4:21pm
I certainly understand what you are talking about. I am in a similiar situation. I am 29 years old, attractive, independent, funny, smart, etc. etc. But i find that I am still single as well. I was involved in a very long on again off again relationship with the father of my children. We broke up for good about a year ago, and since that time I have found that the dating pool is very shallow. In the past year I have been semi involved with a few people, Nothing really stands out as a relationship though. I wonder as well what is wrong with me, I can not seem to get to the altar, and not only can I not make it down the aisle, I don't even see it in the forseeable future.

This is upsetting since I am almost thirty, At this age who will want me? And the fact that I am not married and have never been I think scares men away. I think they think that if I was so great I would have a man, and because I don't then I must be defective in some way. It is a very sad and lonely road. The one guy that I was very smitten by, seemed to be taken with me as well, we saw each other for about 6 months, nothing really serious, just friends but getting to know each other. He offered me to come and live in his house ( Not with him, rent his house ) I did because he gave me a good price, and I thought that he was trying to get me closer to him so that we could further build on our friendship. Almost immediately after I moved in he stopped calling. Just like that, no more phone calls, he does not come to visit me, Nothing.. Now he only comes when I owe him the rent. I know that I have done nothing to make him change to cold on me. I don't know what to think anymore. I'm sorry I don't have a solution for you, just wanted to let you know that I understand.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2004
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 4:49pm
i couldn't agree more, northwestwanderer!!

one thing i noticed in a previous post for this discussion, about women acting jelous.

well, guys "naturally" look at other women, so women "naturally" act jelous...

Are you guys actually telling me, you never feel jelous?????

-perplexed

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2003
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 5:08pm
There is a great book out there called "Men Who Can't Love". It's about commitment phobics. There seems to be a lot of them out there. I don't agree with everything in the book, but it is a good, quick read and may give you some perspective.

I agree with many of the previous posts. Many guys have unrealistic expectations of relationships. They like the romance of the first few dates (or even weeks!) but when it comes down to sharing "real life", they bail. Be careful of these men. You'll know them because they come on really strong, want all of your time, compliment you and seem fascinated by you. All of this will happen really quickly. Then they disappear just as fast.

The most attractive thing to a man is a woman who has her own life. Therefore, when you meet a nice guy, keep living you life as normal. Make plans to go out with your friends. Continue your hobbies. Take time for yourself. And when you've scheduled these things, don't cancel if your new man calls. Tell him you'll have to arrange to see him some other time. It sucks at first, because you really will want to see him too. However, stick to your guns. If he is really interested, he'll learn to plan ahead and get on your calendar well in advance. If he isn't, he'll stop calling before you get too involved.

All this being said, I do believe that you should be yourself. If he calls last minute and you are free, go for it. If he sends you an email, send one back. If he calls to say hello and you aren't busy doing something else (ie. talking on the other line, making dinner, etc.), pick up the phone and chat. Otherwise let him wait, and don't be the one to make the first moves. Call me old fashioned, but I think it is the man's job to make the moves in the beginning of a relationship. If he doesn't make those moves, you know he isn't interested. Plus, if you make it easy on him by doing all of the work up front, he'll get comfortable with that arrangement, stop making an effort, and you'll never know if he is truly into you or not. Don't pretend to be someone else but definitely take it slow!

This last bit of advice has helped me immensely in the past year or so. Go into every new dating situation with a healthy dose of cynicism. Even if he seems like the perfect guy, realize that no one is perfect. I see every guy I meet as a potential and I date several guys at once. Always have more than one iron in the fire. That doesn't mean hook up with all of them, it just means you should spread yourself around a little. When you've got three or four potentials going on, you aren't so worried about being alone. AND you really don't care if one doesn't pan out. Actually, here is where the cynicism comes in. Don't expect any of them to pan out! :-D Do this for a while. Several months at least. Then as you get to know them better, one will start to stand out. Then decide if you want to pursue a real *relationship* from there. Keep things casual. Let them treat you. Have fun! I can tell you that this tactic works from experience. It's how I met my current s.o.

Last, start some activities that require you to meet a lot of men. I'm a swing dancer. You can't swing dance without a partner! This is how I met my s.o. We were friends first. Then a few dates. Then he realized that I was in high demand and dating a lot of guys and so he got a little more aggressive. Even now that we've been together for a month, I still keep him guessing a little bit. I hang with my male friends. I go out dancing even when he wants to stay in. I don't always answer the phone right away. I'm not playing a game. I'm just letting him know tactifully that he isn't the be all, end all of my existance. Plus, I'm still in the cynic stage and I'm not ready to hand my heart over to him on a silver platter! He's going to have to prove he's worth it!

I hope this helps. These are just my experiences. You can take them for what you believe they are worth. :-D

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2003
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 3:35am
Thanks for all your great answers :-) It's good to know that I'm not the only one experiencing this and getting frustrated.

I guess I'll be working on not changing who I am, but maybe stop being so "nice" all the time, and although I do not pursue guys (except give them some occasional feedback), maybe I'm just a little too available. Not that I don't have a life, I definitely do have a job, hobbies and friends to attend to, but I tend to be a "yes" kind of girl, especially when I really want to see someone....

And it definitely seems to me that a lot of immature guys like to chase the "prize", go after what they may think they can't have..When and if they get it, it's time to go hunting again, the whole thrill of the chase thing. It seems like these guys end up "liking" me, but the passion fizzles as they get what they want and they no longer see me as a challenge.

As for they jealousy thing, I definitely do get jealous! Of course.., when we really like someone we all do. It's just about what we're showing, unless I feel I have a really good reason to "accuse" him of anything, I shut my mouth and "suffer" in silence...I'm just not the scene-making kind.

As for being 33 and never married, where I live (not the USA) it's not at all unusual for women my age. Women here wait longer and longer to get married and have children (pursuing their careers, being in serial monogamous relationships etc), and some of the men my age won't even think about children for years..., even less marriage, although some feel very ready. My last date said he wanted children someday, but for the time being (and a few years ahead) it was certainly not a subject (not that I brought it up!). I guess this should have been a big red flag for me. I am after all 33 yrs old, I can't wait for years! But then again, a lot of us women secretly think we "transform" a guy a little bit down the road, don't we.. ;-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 8:35am
This was very good advice. Thank you for taking the time to carefully write out your reply. I don't know which way to turn with this relationship thing, but your response was very uplifting. :-D

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