Dumped again..
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| Wed, 10-27-2004 - 7:31am |
During the last year I've been dating 4 guys, all of which have called it quits! The first one I dated for a couple of months, after him pursuing me strongly for quite a while. He even said he loved me on his own initiative, although he was afraid of scaring me away by telling me (I hadn't said it first), before he, 1,5 weeks later, told me (after I confronted him on why he was bailing on me) that he had gotten cold feet and wanted out. The next one I had 4 nice dates with (no sex involved), and he later told me that he needed closure with an ex and therefore couldn't give us "his all", although he was really fascinated by me (he's now in love and living with a completely different girl).The third one I actually became exclusive with (boyfriend)after dating about 1 month, and he told me I was the ONE, and that he was deeply in love with me. After 3 months he suddenly changed his mind, he wasn't in love anymore and didn't really know why...
The last one I've recently been on 4 dates with, all really great. On the first date he told me he was so happy he called me and that he was afraid of scaring me away with his advances (although he was a real gentleman). I may have gotten the impression that he liked being single, though, and that children was something that was way into the future (I didn't ask him about it first). We never had sex except a little fooling around on our last date. He texted me just to say hi after this incident, but I haven't heard from him since, no new dates planned. It's been about a week, but I'm almost sure I won't hear from him again now.
I know you all will think that I'm doing something wrong in particular to send these guys running, but all I can say is this: The guys pursue ME, they tell me I'm gorgeous, smart, funny, kind, independent (also financially), good taste, sweet, affectionate etc etc. They all wonder why I'm single, since I seem to be such a great catch.. The last one asked me whether I always tired of the guys really fast, since I had had quite a few short relationships.
They seem really into me during the dates (most of them also in between), and I've never been blown off until at least the 4'th date with anyone. I never pursue THEM, I only send the occasional text or mail to say thank you for a date maybe, or just "how are you", just not to be totally passive and show some interest as well. I'm not telling them I want to get married soon or have babies right away, so that shouldn't be scaring them off either.
The thing is; a lot of these guys tell me about exes who've been crazy jealous, bisexual, had lots of issues etc etc, while I'm neither.. It seems to me that as a good looking, smart, easygoing, kind, down to earth woman without tons of quirks and emotional baggage to unload on my guy, I'm losing in this game.. Do guys really need all the drama? Is it boring when you're just "normal"? I'm not playing hard to get or anything, but it seems as though these guys see it as a challenge until they have dated me a few times, then they seem to get bored or something? Is me being "difficult" the only way to make them fall and stay in love with me? I'm just so confused and tired of all this...

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But thanks for your post, it made me realize that there's plenty of other women out there in the same boat as I am.
Yvonne
My story is almost identical to yours.. he approached me, I was cautious and distant for a while and as soon as I started to trust a little bit, BANG - he pulled the plug! Told me some make shift story about a girlfriend who had emigrated overseas, but is coming back in January and he has never cheated on her. Ok, so there was no sex, but I can tell you if I had to show her the sms's he sent me, I think she would be somewhat perturbed about her "boyfriend's" behaviour!
But I do agree with another post here - we have to believe it's them and not us. I look at my friends who are married or have steady boyfriends and all these guys are mature, honest, reliable good guys. Ok, so they aren't wildly exciting or exceptionally good looking (as was my last guy). But they must offer enough excitement to keep my friends happy (who are also fantastic girls). So, I know it's difficult to say "stay away from the dangerous guys", as it's not always easy to tell if they're dangerous or not 'cause they are always so loving...in the beginning.. But in the end of the day you have a choice - either always live cautiously and protect your heart, or put yourself out there and risk the chance of being hurt, but then also knowing that you have given 100% with no regrets. If you're anything like me, you'll choose the latter 'cause you actually don't have a lot of control over your intrinsic being.
Good Luck with everything... keep writing, it's comforting knowing there are quite a few of us out there who are in the same boat!
I'll leave you with Robbie Williams... "when you're hurt, lost, tired or lonely, something beautiful will come your way!"
FW: Apples
Women are like apples on trees.
The best ones are at the top of the tree!
Men don't want to reach for the good ones, because
they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.
Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the
ground that aren't as good, but easy.
So the apples at the top, think something is wrong
with them, when in reality..... they're amazing!
They just have to wait for the right man to come
along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way
to the top of the tree.
I briefly dated a guy who admitted at the end that he did not could not and would not climb to the top of the tree, so to speak. His attitude towards me was like, "how dare you have standards."
Like I said, I *briefly dated* this guy, since I was not interested in climbing down the tree.
People in general want what's easy. Who can blame them?
Sometimes, it gets lonely at the top of the tree... I'm building a tree house, and when it's completed you are all invited to stop by for tea.
A~
Yes, I've heard about the apple-tree analogy too, and I'd like to think that there's something to it. Although it's kind of depressing, at least we have some sort of explanation as to why these men behave the way they do... But then again, if men like a challenge, wouldn't you think that they would rather go for the apples on the top of the tree? Confusing...
I used to be a serial online dater. I'm giving that up. The last man I dated I found through an online dating service. We dated for 7-8 months. Kind of a successful relationship, but he bailed on me...commitment phobe, late 30's, never married.
I'm getting out of the house now, every chance I get. I refuse to put a profile back up on the dating sites. Some guy is going to have to see me (in person) and work up the darn nerve to ask me out. I won't do the internet thing. It's too easy for them and I don't think they value the relationship as much.
I've never done the on-line dating thing, although I have been on a couple of blind dates ("blind" for me that was, not for the guy..). I'm sure there are good guys on-line as well(but I must admit that I am a bit wary of their intentions, as you also seem to be), as a lot of people don't want to or have the time to go out that much. But for now, I haven't felt like trying it out.
But then again, it's hard to know any guy's intentions until you have dated him a few times and gotten to know him a little better. In the beginning they put all their energy into charming and impressing you and winning you over, it's hard not to become infatuated by them. But then, for some reason, a lot of them bail on you, and you may never really know why..Frustrating.
A~
I cannot stand online dating. Some people just love it, I'm not one of them. I've done it enough to know that. I just make myself go out and always have a smile on my face...I want to meet someone out and about sharing the same interests.
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