Dumped again..

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2003
Dumped again..
24
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 7:31am
Now I really feel like giving up.. I'm a 33 yr old woman who is practically going crazy not understanding where and why my relationships fail every time.

During the last year I've been dating 4 guys, all of which have called it quits! The first one I dated for a couple of months, after him pursuing me strongly for quite a while. He even said he loved me on his own initiative, although he was afraid of scaring me away by telling me (I hadn't said it first), before he, 1,5 weeks later, told me (after I confronted him on why he was bailing on me) that he had gotten cold feet and wanted out. The next one I had 4 nice dates with (no sex involved), and he later told me that he needed closure with an ex and therefore couldn't give us "his all", although he was really fascinated by me (he's now in love and living with a completely different girl).The third one I actually became exclusive with (boyfriend)after dating about 1 month, and he told me I was the ONE, and that he was deeply in love with me. After 3 months he suddenly changed his mind, he wasn't in love anymore and didn't really know why...

The last one I've recently been on 4 dates with, all really great. On the first date he told me he was so happy he called me and that he was afraid of scaring me away with his advances (although he was a real gentleman). I may have gotten the impression that he liked being single, though, and that children was something that was way into the future (I didn't ask him about it first). We never had sex except a little fooling around on our last date. He texted me just to say hi after this incident, but I haven't heard from him since, no new dates planned. It's been about a week, but I'm almost sure I won't hear from him again now.

I know you all will think that I'm doing something wrong in particular to send these guys running, but all I can say is this: The guys pursue ME, they tell me I'm gorgeous, smart, funny, kind, independent (also financially), good taste, sweet, affectionate etc etc. They all wonder why I'm single, since I seem to be such a great catch.. The last one asked me whether I always tired of the guys really fast, since I had had quite a few short relationships.

They seem really into me during the dates (most of them also in between), and I've never been blown off until at least the 4'th date with anyone. I never pursue THEM, I only send the occasional text or mail to say thank you for a date maybe, or just "how are you", just not to be totally passive and show some interest as well. I'm not telling them I want to get married soon or have babies right away, so that shouldn't be scaring them off either.

The thing is; a lot of these guys tell me about exes who've been crazy jealous, bisexual, had lots of issues etc etc, while I'm neither.. It seems to me that as a good looking, smart, easygoing, kind, down to earth woman without tons of quirks and emotional baggage to unload on my guy, I'm losing in this game.. Do guys really need all the drama? Is it boring when you're just "normal"? I'm not playing hard to get or anything, but it seems as though these guys see it as a challenge until they have dated me a few times, then they seem to get bored or something? Is me being "difficult" the only way to make them fall and stay in love with me? I'm just so confused and tired of all this...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 11:22am
Your post could have been written by me only difference being I'm 43 and divorced for 7 years. But the experiences are the same, have dated men who come across pretty strong at first but after a few short months are out of the picture. I think Sheri is so right that these are men who have an unrealistic view of relationships and you were right too when you said that they just seem to enjoy the hunt and once they've made the catch, the fun is all over. But then the nagging doubts start in and I wonder. After all, as Dr. Phil would say, all these broken relationships ... and what's the common denominator? You! Then again the common denominator could be a bunch of immature men too.

But thanks for your post, it made me realize that there's plenty of other women out there in the same boat as I am.

Yvonne

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2003
Fri, 10-29-2004 - 9:39am
WOW! I'm in exactly the same boat as you. I'm 31 years old and just been told by my latest beau that all he can offer is a friendship and am I ok with this??? PULEEZ... give me a break!

My story is almost identical to yours.. he approached me, I was cautious and distant for a while and as soon as I started to trust a little bit, BANG - he pulled the plug! Told me some make shift story about a girlfriend who had emigrated overseas, but is coming back in January and he has never cheated on her. Ok, so there was no sex, but I can tell you if I had to show her the sms's he sent me, I think she would be somewhat perturbed about her "boyfriend's" behaviour!

But I do agree with another post here - we have to believe it's them and not us. I look at my friends who are married or have steady boyfriends and all these guys are mature, honest, reliable good guys. Ok, so they aren't wildly exciting or exceptionally good looking (as was my last guy). But they must offer enough excitement to keep my friends happy (who are also fantastic girls). So, I know it's difficult to say "stay away from the dangerous guys", as it's not always easy to tell if they're dangerous or not 'cause they are always so loving...in the beginning.. But in the end of the day you have a choice - either always live cautiously and protect your heart, or put yourself out there and risk the chance of being hurt, but then also knowing that you have given 100% with no regrets. If you're anything like me, you'll choose the latter 'cause you actually don't have a lot of control over your intrinsic being.

Good Luck with everything... keep writing, it's comforting knowing there are quite a few of us out there who are in the same boat!

I'll leave you with Robbie Williams... "when you're hurt, lost, tired or lonely, something beautiful will come your way!"

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2004
Fri, 10-29-2004 - 2:27pm
I've been going through the same thing lately. I'm 30 and keep meeting committment phobic/emotionally unavailable men. Here is a poem that I look back on every once in awhile to help me put things into perspective.

FW: Apples

Women are like apples on trees.

The best ones are at the top of the tree!

Men don't want to reach for the good ones, because

they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.

Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the

ground that aren't as good, but easy.

So the apples at the top, think something is wrong

with them, when in reality..... they're amazing!

They just have to wait for the right man to come

along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way

to the top of the tree.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Fri, 10-29-2004 - 7:48pm
That is a cute poem, in a feel good, pick me up sort of way...

I briefly dated a guy who admitted at the end that he did not could not and would not climb to the top of the tree, so to speak. His attitude towards me was like, "how dare you have standards."

Like I said, I *briefly dated* this guy, since I was not interested in climbing down the tree.

People in general want what's easy. Who can blame them?

Sometimes, it gets lonely at the top of the tree... I'm building a tree house, and when it's completed you are all invited to stop by for tea.

A~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2003
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 2:44am
That's really funny, it's a good thing we still have our sense of humor :o)

Yes, I've heard about the apple-tree analogy too, and I'd like to think that there's something to it. Although it's kind of depressing, at least we have some sort of explanation as to why these men behave the way they do... But then again, if men like a challenge, wouldn't you think that they would rather go for the apples on the top of the tree? Confusing...
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 12:14pm
Can I ask you how you've been meeting men? Do they ask you out first, or do you ask them out?

I used to be a serial online dater. I'm giving that up. The last man I dated I found through an online dating service. We dated for 7-8 months. Kind of a successful relationship, but he bailed on me...commitment phobe, late 30's, never married.

I'm getting out of the house now, every chance I get. I refuse to put a profile back up on the dating sites. Some guy is going to have to see me (in person) and work up the darn nerve to ask me out. I won't do the internet thing. It's too easy for them and I don't think they value the relationship as much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2003
Tue, 11-02-2004 - 2:39am
Sure you can ask.. :-) No, I've never asked a man out myself. As I said in my original post, I do not pursue men. Either these men have asked me out or asked for my number directly, or they have gone through mutual friends or acquaintances to get in touch with me. What I have noticed though, is that the guys I have dated the last year all are really attractive, very well off financially and come across as REALLY confident. They are guys with a lot of options, probably with a quite a few women falling at their feet. So although they express a lot of infatuation with me at first, it seems they are always on the lookout for something better, something new... A guy I dated exclusively for 5 months two years ago recently said to me that: "I know there aren't many women like you out there...". And he was the one to end things with me, saying he wasn't really in love anymore, that he needed more "drama" in his relationships..Since then I believe he's been on quite a few dates, still single though...

I've never done the on-line dating thing, although I have been on a couple of blind dates ("blind" for me that was, not for the guy..). I'm sure there are good guys on-line as well(but I must admit that I am a bit wary of their intentions, as you also seem to be), as a lot of people don't want to or have the time to go out that much. But for now, I haven't felt like trying it out.

But then again, it's hard to know any guy's intentions until you have dated him a few times and gotten to know him a little better. In the beginning they put all their energy into charming and impressing you and winning you over, it's hard not to become infatuated by them. But then, for some reason, a lot of them bail on you, and you may never really know why..Frustrating.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Tue, 11-02-2004 - 9:58am
Yeah, it is confusing. I hear that men like challenges. I wonder if it depends on the type of challenge, and how much effort they are willing to make...

A~

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2004
Tue, 11-02-2004 - 10:01am
I'm with you.

I cannot stand online dating. Some people just love it, I'm not one of them. I've done it enough to know that. I just make myself go out and always have a smile on my face...I want to meet someone out and about sharing the same interests.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Tue, 11-02-2004 - 10:51am
I'm not in my 30's yet, but close. I'm almost 27 and never been married. I used to be a commitment-phobe myself, strange for being a girl, but lately I've been feeling I'm ready to get settled. I wish I didn't feel this way cuz I've always been very independent and self-sufficient and I like that, you know, not needing anyone but yourself to be happy. I never felt the need to have a man in my life, I've always felt more fulfilled with other beautiful things in life, like my family, friends, career, hobbies, etc. But sometimes I feel like I would like to have a special someone to share my life with. I've never had problems getting guys, and I've had a couple of them wanting to marry me, but I have very high standards and just don't settle for anything. Not that I want a perfect guy, it's just that I haven't felt like I've found someone who really fulfills me a 100%. It's like, I'd rather be alone than with someone who doesn't complete me or sweeps me off my feet. Maybe that's how the men you've been dating feel. I don't think you're the problem, just as all the guys I've dumped in my life were not the problem. I'm the problem here, I feel like there's someone out there in this world perfect for me, and I won't settle for anything less than that. I wonder if I'm gonna start feeling differently when I reach my 30's and have no one in my life...