dumped b/c girlfriend not 100% sure

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2004
dumped b/c girlfriend not 100% sure
2
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 2:04pm
I have recently been dumped by my girlfriend of 4 1/2 years. I met her during her first week of college in 1999. For 2 1/2 years we were with each other constantly. That was wonderful until I graduated college and moved back home (4 hours away from her). She still had three years to go before she graduated. So anyways I moved home and then I could only see her on the weekends and holidays. I drove to see her at least 3 weekends out of each month until 2 months ago when we broke up. She broke up with me in January because she said she wasn't 100% sure if she is supposed to be with me for the rest of her life. She said she wants some time off to figure herself out as a person. She thinks that by having time apart she'll be able to figure out if I'm "the one". Which is fine, but I'm am dying inside because I was going to ask her to marry me in August for our five year anniversary. I thought it would be perfect timing b/c she graduates in December. Anyways, I'm just having a hard time understanding this whole deal b/c I tried to be the perfect boyfriend to her and I know I was b/c she tells me I was. There was nothing more I could have done better. She also told me that she knows that no one will ever treat her as well as I did. I believe we had the greatest relationship ever. I know this is true b/c so many people I know from college and people that are still at college say that we set the standard of how a couple is supposed to be. At least a dozen people have told me or her that in the past 2 years. I have spent 2 weekends w/ her since the breakup. Once in February and once last weekend. Those weekends were wonderful. We were w/ each other 24/7 and it was great. But there was affection towrds each other which I understand. When I left on Sunday she said she a great time but she didn't think we resolved anything. But I thought to myself why doesn't she want me, we never argue, we are so perfect together, we communicate well, we have trust, we treat each other with respect, and we're honest with each other. I just need some answers b/c I can't get her off my mind. I wake up in the middle of the night and think about her, I think about her constantly. I will never give up on her, I will not move on, she is absolutely the love of my life. I believe God put her here for me. So, please someone tell me what to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 5:09am
There is nothing you can do.

I get the feeling that you are probably her first serious boyfriend? If this is the case, perhaps she doesn't feel comfortable with the idea that she will not have any other experiences with other men (and I'm not talking sexually). Perhaps she feels that it is important to have some other experiences before settling down?

As hard as it is, you need to let her go for now - maybe as a way to distract yourself from your pain, you could casually date yourself?

There is really nothing else you can do - it's like that old saying - if you love somebody, set them free - if they come back, you'll know that they are yours.

Good luck!

Coolas

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 11:04am
Hon, I'm sorry for your broken heart. I know it's hard to let go.

But we can't control how others feel about us. There is nothing you can do to "make" someone love you or want to stay with you. I'm sure you were a great boyfriend and you did everything you could to keep your ex girlfriend happy. But she has her own mind, thoughts and feelings... just because YOU were perfectly contented and in love, that doesn't mean SHE was. I'm sure she enjoys being with you and I don't doubt that she cares for you a great deal, but that's different from knowing that you are the one she is to be with for the rest of her life.

I have to say I'm not surprised that she wanted to break up. You met her when she was a freshman which means she was only about 18 or 19 years old! And now she's probably no more than 22. She's spent her first fledgling years as an adult (in college) with one guy (you). Now, she realizes that you are ready to marry her and she must pull away from you, because she hasn't really LIVED yet. I know EXACTLY how she feels because I went through the exact same thing when I was in college.

I met my first real boyfriend when I was 17 years old (I started college a little earlier than most). We stayed together for the next 5 years. By the time I was a senior, I felt I had learned so much about love from that young man, but I also felt like I had missed out on some other experiences. I wanted out. After graduation I moved back home, which was about 2 and half hours away from him. We tried to keep the relationship going for the next year, but I knew it was over. It was very sad... he wanted to marry me, and he had a really hard time understanding how I could walk away from our history together and "everything he did for me." But it wasn't about HIM and what HE wanted. I had to live MY life. I cared very much about him, but that didn't mean we were supposed to be together forever. I was only 22 years old. He led me through an exquisite period of my young life, and I will always be grateful for the love we shared. Wherever he is, I hope he is happy and fulfilled.

And you must try to wish the same for your ex girlfriend. Let her fly, hon. Yes, God did put her in your life for a reason, but only for a season. Accept this, and be grateful for the good experiences you shared. In time, you will feel better... and you will find someone else to build another great relationship with.

Take care...