dumped a guy after years of dateing him

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
dumped a guy after years of dateing him
4
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 3:32pm
I got stood up by my date tonight.

again... he is standing me up all the time. I had to dump him. And I finally did.

You know,...its not going anywhere.

He calls me in the middle of the night tells me he 'needs' to see me because he 'needs' to talk to me and the next day he doesnt even call at all. This has been going on for years now. We barely meet and if we do it is awkward.

I havent had a boyfriend in years and he never talked about a girlfriend. I am starting to think that our knowing each other holds both of us back from having 'real' relationships.

We slept with each other 3 times. One time 4 years ago and the last time 1 year ago. But we both always kept the contact. I did the mistake of keeping it and calling him too. But it never went anywhere.

I have strong feelings for him but it never works out. Today I waited for 2 hours for him to call me and tell me if or if not we are going out. Other people wanted to go out with me but I said no, I was waiting for him to call. He didnt. So I realised whats going on: I am a joke to him.

There is something so wrong!

So today I told him to leave me alone. I told him that I am better off not talking to him at all.

What do you think?

Was I too hard on him? Or is this the right way to go?

Please advice me on this...

thank you!

Stell

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 3:48pm
You definitely did the right thing. I would also block him from calling or emailing you, so that you won't weaken if he disrespects your position and calls you (which seems likely since he's treated you with such disrespect before).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 4:22pm
No Stell, you were not "too hard on him"! You are being too hard on yourself if anything. Next time please do not allow yourself to be treated like this for *years* before you take a stand for yourself and move on. Remember, you only will end up with exactly what you accept for yourself, and no better. Congrats on your decision -- now stick to it! Do not take his calls or talk to him anymore. Think of it as if you were on a journey, and everytime he pops up into your life it will bog you down and keep you stuck in a mire, where you cannot move forward, cannot make any progress to your destination, cannot get anywhere at all. Avoid him like you'd avoid quicksand so you can move ahead into a brighter future. :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 4:23pm
This whole scenario reminds me of my brother and mother when he was a little kid.

He'd be in his room with the door shut -and she'd be just talking and talking, asking, begging, demanding, pleading...and he was in there with his headphones on listening to the radio. Never hearing a word she said.

Finally he'd come out - to go to the kitchen or bathroom...she'd assume when he was coming out it was because "she told him to" or because he respected her authority. And he'd go by her still wearing the headphones, do whatever he wanted or whatever...adn then go right back in.

My mother used to take valium over that scenario ALOT! She couldn't comprehend that he just really did not care what she had to say -that he was going to do what he wanted to do. And she couldn't comprehend how, without his obedience and compliance, she was giong to get what she wanted and need (because she couldn't - all she wnated was his submission but not for a specific reason or goal).

You're reminding me of my moher in this situation...you're doing all the calling, talking, planning, waiting, preparing, etc...and he shows up if he wants, when he wants, for what he wants and then disappears.

So telling him you want no more contact is more of a way to inform him so that "you" get the message - I won't be contacting you anymore, nor will I be taking your calls if they come in.

But really, you weren't informing him that you were anticipting a change from him....you were informing you that you're requiring one of you. And that change is to stop considering his needs, wants, and him a priority in your life, at all, in any capacity. I think you'll easily be tempted quite often to call and contact or find out of he'd "still talk to you" - that has been a huge source of some emotional gratification which is why it has gone on this long. And you're likely to suffer some kind of withdrawal from it, as a result of the fear of requiring YOU to back up....not him to back off.


Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2004
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 4:30pm
Hi Stell,

I believe you did the best thing. He was using you because you made yourself available at his convenience. It obviously worked out fine for him, after all he could get to have flings with you with no real commitment.He's better off being left alone.