E-mail password

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
E-mail password
9
Sat, 10-01-2005 - 10:52pm

I was reading something on boundaries in relationships and started wondering about this.
General question: How is one supposed to respond to a bf/gf asking for your e-mail password. If one asks "Why do you need it?" and they say "Just like that", Then how would you respond. Would you give it to him/her instantly without a thought? Or would you have a discussion "why" it is needed.

In the past, I have shared my password with a person when asked to and I felt really ODD and UNCOMFORTABLE doing that. Not because I was hiding anything, but because it just felt weird. I felt that my space was being invaded on. On my part, I have NEVER asked a password from a boyfriend, EVEN if I were suspicious. It's just not done. I don't want to barge in his private space.

Ofcourse, nothing should be "hidden" in a relationship. But why ASK? Isn't that weird? Does it mean the person is controlling and insecure and has trouble trusting? How is one supposed to respond to such a thing?

I don't mind sharing my password, but there IS such a thing as my space and privacy.

Have you all experienced any such thing? How did you respond? Is asking for a password "normal"?

I see that as a form of "control" and would have doubts about the person being "the right one". Do you all also feel the same? How does one decide what's right and what's wrong in a relationship. How does one know the "motive" of another person?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
In reply to: lftlgirl
Sun, 10-02-2005 - 9:21am

I had an ex-boyfriend ask me for my email password, and I flat out told him no. He whined and kept trying to get it, saying, 'What? You don't trust me?" I told him simply that there was no reason for him to have my password, and I would not give it out. Period. That ex, by the way, stalked me after we broke up, and I had to block his email and phone number.

I don't think any one has a right to invade your privacy like that. It's not about having something to hide; it's about a right to privacy. There are boundaries, even when two people are together and share their lives.

When I need a password (if I'm borrowing their computer, for example), I don't ask for the password itself. I ask the person to enter their password in for me. My current boyfriend just told me his password, rather than enter it in himself. But I don't expect that, nor have I felt the need to reciprocate (he hasn't asked either).

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
In reply to: lftlgirl
Sun, 10-02-2005 - 2:22pm
I had a boyfriend once ask me for my email password. My answer was "absolutely not". End of discussion.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
In reply to: lftlgirl
Sun, 10-02-2005 - 5:51pm
Hm..Thanks girls. I think now I can have the guts to say NO and not feel bad about it.
Some people make one feel guilty for not wanting to share the password. They think it must be because we have something to hide. I think a "mature" person will never stoop to that level of having this kind of "unnecessary control". We don't need such a man.
I wonder what happens if it's a "Husband" and not a boyfriend asking.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
In reply to: lftlgirl
Sun, 10-02-2005 - 6:16pm

Husband or boyfriend, it's the same answer. Your email is *your* communication with others and only yours. Probably more husbands know their wives' passwords, not because they are entitled to it, but because the husbands needed access to handle something for their wives, and the wives never changed the password later.

Bottom line: don't ever feel that you have to let someone invade your privacy: no matter how big a part of your life they are.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
In reply to: lftlgirl
Sun, 10-02-2005 - 6:30pm

No, I have never had a boyfriend ask for my cell phone password.

 Start

Avatar for memphisstars
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lftlgirl
Sun, 10-02-2005 - 9:57pm

Just my two cents, but with my ex-husband, before the days of the internet, our mail was never off limits to each other. If a phone call came in, we both talked freely, not caring if one of us overheard anything. We were raising children together and running a household and we shared all communications as a family. There was almost nothing we kept private from each other, even our feelings about others. Just like sharing a bank account.

I would not be comfortable in a situation where my live-in or husband did not share almost everything with me. In fact, I just broke up with my live-in of five years largely because he refused to share his e-mail password with me, even though I gave him full access to mine. I later found out his refusal was due to the fact that he was having an emotional affair with one woman and sharing emotional intimacies and details about our relationship with several others.

If you have nothing to hide, what is the problem? But then, maybe we have different ideas of what privacy is. I will never live with anyone again who will not share his e-mail password with me.

Now, with a date or a short-term boy- or girlfriend, I agree, it is certainly not necessary to reveal passwords, and I would wonder why they requested it.

However, if two people agree on certain boundaries, whatever they are, then that is workable and that is all that is important. I guess we are all comfortable with different boundaries and all have our different notions of what privacy means. By all means, don't agree to anything that you are not comfortable with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
In reply to: lftlgirl
Sun, 10-02-2005 - 10:14pm

Hm..

I feel someone reading my e-mails, is like someone reading my personal diary. It is definitely a breach of privacy for me. If they don't trust me and have to know my password in order to keep a check, then perhaps it is not the right relationship. A person who wants to cheat can easily open another e-mail account. A person can have 20 different accounts and no one would know. So how good is one password, if a person really wants to get away with something.

I believe you asked for his password because you suspected something, and not just because he knew yours.

I do believe now, that sharing is good if it is voluntarily done. As another poster said, it should not be out of guilt, fear or pressure.

Two people having different views on "privacy and space" can have a problem. With enough trust, and a mature outlook, hopefully, this should never become an issue between a couple.

Avatar for memphisstars
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lftlgirl
Sun, 10-02-2005 - 10:39pm

Yes, I did ask for his password because I did suspect something, but he had earned that distrust by his previous actions and I was able to verify he was cheating again, and I finally had the information I needed to end the relationship. I never suspected anything until he refused to share the password.

But there are many reasons to share e-mail passwords beyond monitoring someone's account. I have actually shared e-mail accounts with a long-term BF and we would both look up friends' addresses in our shared address books and open e-mails written to both of us from mutual friends. I never had a reason to distrust my BF or my ex-husband. Both of them knew all the details of my heart and I had no reason to keep anything from either of them and vice versa. In my opinion, THAT is the meaning of real trust. To me, there is little need for privacy among kindred spirits committed to share the same life.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lftlgirl
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 3:00pm

I believe in "privacy, not secrecy" in the context of a relationship.

I would not expect to read my SO's emails or listen to his phone messages (and vice versa), but I would expect to know, generally, who he talks to and who he emails, and he would know the same about me. But the *content* of those emails and conversations would and should be private, IMO. If there is trust between us, then neither of us should need to know *exactly* what we are writing or saying to the people we talk to.

So, no, I would not give out my password or ask for my SO's, unless I had reason to not trust him and we'd discussed having no privacy for some period of time in order to rebuild trust (or vice versa).

Sheri