e-mailing

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
e-mailing
9
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 8:15am
Hi, I met a guy on vacation in October. He's 65 and I'm 54. He was traveling with his cousin (a woman)and another woman friend. He was the one who invited me to join them being I was traveling alone. So I was with them for 9 days. We all seemed to have hit off. I had taken a picture of the three of them and when I got home decided to look him up and send him the pictures. He was very pleased and e-mailed me back and said he was looking forward to hearing from me and that maybe in the Spring we could all get together and in the meantime to keep in touch. So I did. The problem is it seems to be one sided. If I e-mail him first, he'll always answer me. But if I let it go for about a month or so; I noticed that he won't take that initiative.

Another problem that I have with him is that no matter what I talk to him about I can't get him to open up. The only subjects that he will open up about are playing bridge and dancing but other than that I can't seem get to first base. After about 5 months now, I guess I'm getting tired of e-mailing him and hoping against hope that we will finally meet up in the Spring. But somehow I don't think so.

I guess my question is should I give him up all together or just keep in touch on occasion? He has my number at home. Can I ask him in the e-mail to call me at home or would that be too forward. Maybe it's time to let go. Thanks for your reply. Mary Ann

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
In reply to: maryanncu
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 9:25am
I'm sorry for your disappointment with this gentleman, hon. But I say after 5 months of you initiating all the contact and him replying but never reaching out to you, you should let this go. And all he wants to talk about are bridge and dancing?? This sounds like a man who could be involved with someone in his hometown... that could be why he avoids getting into any discussions of his personal life. Or else, he simply isn't as interested in you (sorry) as you thought.

I'm sure he enjoyed meeting you on vacation, and it sounds like you had a grand time with the rest of his party. But that's probably all it was to him. It's funny how "close" we can seem to become to people we meet on vacation. When the trip is over, there's a whole lot of: "we're going to stay in touch and get together again!" and even tears! But somehow, we seldom follow up. Once we get home, we are content with our fond memories of the people we met. We never get around to writing that letter or making that phone call. Or, the contact ends up being all one-way, as in your case. The other person rarely reciprocates.

You've already given this gentleman ample opportunity to reciprocate. Now, you should accept that he is not willing or able to participate in this exchange with you. If he wanted to call you, he would have done so by now. You can't push him into it, and I don't think you would want that kind of relationship anyway... where you have to continuously needle someone into talking to you. That's not a real friendship.

Chalk it up to a lovely vacation experience, let the fantasy go, and concentrate on men a little closer to home! Someone nearby will be more likely to pursue YOU.

Take care, and good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: maryanncu
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 11:07am
I think he is not that interested in staying in touch with you - don't take it personally - you just clicked more with him than he with you and that's fine. His suggestion that you all get together in the spring says to me he is not interested in spending alone time with you and it is akin to saying "we should grab a drink sometime" - it is not confirmed, or serious minded. I think asking him to call you is too forward - he knows how to ask you if he can call you, right?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
In reply to: maryanncu
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 2:46pm
Sigh...Well, I am in this exact situation with an old flame who lives out of state. He said the same thing to me "When I'm in state again, we'll have a drink." Since then, the email contact has been all initiated by me...he will answer, but the answers I get are always vague in a general way. It's tough to stop and let go...And it's also tough not to take it personally. He has my phone number, but doesn't call. I posed the same question to this board, and got the same answers...He's not that interested. What I did for my own piece of mind and to try and let it go, is to send one final email, and say, "I'd really like to have a drink when you come to town." Whether that will happen or not, who knows...Guys can call months after initial contact and some just don't like email. Maybe he'll call and maybe he won't, but I know for my own sake, I've got to let it go, but it's really, really, hard. I wish I could say something to make it easier for you, but I can't.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
In reply to: maryanncu
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 4:00pm
But I also wanted to add...Just as long as you don't put all your expectations into it, I don't think it hurts (as long as it's not hurting you) to keep in touch with him as long as he continues to respond...You never know when what might happen as the "wheel turns", and he might find himself in your area one day and decide to look you up because the door was left open. You never know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
In reply to: maryanncu
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 12:30pm
well, i think that sometimes that is just a guy for you! my best friend is llike that!! he and his family recently moved to another state about 7 hours away, and we live by e-mail, but i'm usually the one that initiates the conversation! if i were you, keep e-mailing him, and casually add "hey call me sometime" make sure he knows that you want to keep in contact and if its up to you to keep it up thats ok! however only if a friendship is all your interested in!! if your wanting more hint at it, but i'm 'old-fashioned' and i say that he has to make the move for a relationship! good luck! i hope you get together in the spring!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
In reply to: maryanncu
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 1:53pm
Hi angelcdm228, liked your response. I have to think some more about what I want to do. I'm still hoping that he will show me some initiative and drop me a line first when he gets back next week. That's all I'm asking him to do. If he can demonstrate that much to me than I won't feel that it's all one sided. I especially liked the line about calling. Maybe if this all works out I'll use it; if you don't mind. Let you know what happens.


NOTE: I saw your profile about working at the 911 center. I'm a survivor of 911. I worked in the south tower of WTC and was in that day. I use to work on the 47th floor. My co-workers and I are lucky; we all got out right away. It still seems soo surreal. I miss those Towers. We back working down on Wall Street.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
In reply to: maryanncu
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 2:40pm
I forgot to mention this in my situation...I did call him once. It went fine, he sounded glad to talk to me, we talked about 45 minutes, he has never called me though. Oh well. I think about calling occasionally. But I don't, because I think I will regret it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
In reply to: maryanncu
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 3:58pm
Hi, that was a brave thing to do. I'd have to look him up in the book. But I don't think I'm that brave. Good for you. And now you know. Stick with e-mailing.

Check out message no. 24289.6. I guess it would be under reply no. 6. I think this best for the both of our situations. I don't know yet. Right now I'm still annoyed that I can't get anywhere with him let alone getting together in the Spring (Ha-Ha). Only in my dreams I guess. I just thought it would be nice if we could be friends without being pushy and clingy. Oh well. Bye for now, Mary Ann
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
In reply to: maryanncu
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 1:58pm
Hi Jilly73 just want to thank you for your reply. It was a great answer. I know you are right and I did give him ample opportunity to respond. He was just being a nice gentleman by answering me back, even if at times it as been very very vague. What's the point. In his last e-mail; he told me that he was going on a cruise. I have been debating with myself if I should e-mail him next week but I'm going to try not to and see what happens. It is very very hard to let go especially if you both live kind of close by. And really that's it. He's not that interested in getting together at all. I know that now and I have to let it go. Take care.