Emotional Baggage, How to put it down?
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| Mon, 08-30-2004 - 3:22pm |
I am going through a period in my life right now where I feel like I am destined to be alone for the rest of my life. I am 29 years old I have two sons that are scholl age that I am raising alone. Their father and I were together for 10 years but never married. I have never been married. Sadly it did not owrk out between us and I moved on with my life about a year ago. I was very excited and eager to get on with my life after it did not work out with my kids dad he was physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive to me. Not to mention he is a less than desireable providder for his sons. The problem is that when I found myself back in the dating game I no longer knew how to play.
It seems as if now a days anyone that I might possibly have an interest in already has someone, or is up to some other scheme or has some hidden agenda which for the most part involves going to bed and not having any other responsibility to me. Since this is not how I was reaised I have a real problem with the whole " no strings attached" sex thing so I choose not to get involved in situations like that. Well that was until a little while ago.
About six months ago I met this guy that I was really attracted to. He's about seven years older than me, he's very handsome, divorced, father of two, set in his career, and financially comfortable. He seemed more than compatible based on those qualities alone. Now first let me make it very clear that in the whole time I have been seeing him including now, I have never asked him for anything tangible, nor have I ever tried to push my kids off on him. I am independent I pay my own bills, I pay my own way, for me and my kids and I never wanted im to feel like I was looking for someone to step in and pick up where my ex left off in our lives. So our relationshop startd off pretty good at first.
He did tell me very early on that he did not want to jump into a relationship right away. His exact words were " Let's be the best of buddies and see where things go" Convinced that he would fall in live with me I agreed to that sort of relationship with him which was great at first. The way I saw it was " His mouth says we're friends his actions say he's mine" We were seeing a lot of each other for about 3 good weeks and then all of a sudden he became chronically busy, and hardly had any time to spend with me. After a few months of this he finally came to me with the idea that I move closer to him. He owns a few properties and had a really nice house that he was willing to rent me for a great price. I decided to move in. He said that " Once I am closer to him we will be able to see more of each other" I have been there a month now and I have not seen him. What the hell is going on? He says that he cares abou me, I kow that he is sexually satisfied with me, what could be going on? I feel so confused,I don't know if I am wasting my time or not, he is very hard to read. His mouth sayd one thing and his actions say another.

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How many of these nasty little situations have most of us been in? I've been single for a number of years (too many) and find myself always at odds...seems that either I'm having hangups about committing, or he does, or finally I come around only to discover that he's lost interest! It's all painful, true. But know that you're not alone and you're WORTHY. It makes you feel pretty stupid sometimes, especially later when your head clears. But you make the best decisions that you can at any given moment; maybe the previous decisions you made haven't worked out for you, but now you're faced with new decisions. Just do the best you can and listen to your head as well as your heart. This man is a user, you already know that, and you're in a tough spot as far as moving away, dating, and continuing your life. What happens if you break away and start dating, will he evict you or go up on the rent? It's possible.
It surely DOES hurt, I know. I've only recently ended it with an old boyfriend who got another girlfriend during a breakup that he hasn't wanted to let go. I became the "other woman" and let him convince himself and try to convince me that it was my fault he did this because I'm hard to get along with. And yes, it hurts. But, there's a point where you just have to stop and tell yourself "wait a minute! this isn't right!" It's not all you, and you deserve some respect, which you aren't getting.
Give yourself some respect, girl. Remember those little ones who depend on you and look up to you, and stop beating yourself up. It's done, learn from it. We all travel that road.
I can relate to your posting, '29'.
It hurts when you want more commitment than
the man can give right now. He may be rejecting the
message that you want a new 'dad' for your boys.
Maybe all he wants right now is a nice, attractive partner
and good sex. The question is, can you accept that?
I'm 38,
seeing 'Tom' for five months. I have a child and
I too was hoping Tom could be a 'step-dad' for her. But he
wants no commitments. He's told me so. We enjoy great
sex about once a week, dinners together, talk about
anything- but that's it. I
accept it for now, but not for long....I hope to walk away
from Tom and look for someone who is more eager to settle down/God bless
-J
One thing i heard somewhere and believe to be true..these men we date that we complain about--its nothing but our fault. We attract the men we date. So if you are NOT happy, its your own fault and this guy, he's a free bird. Sounds like he always plans on being one.
Sorry if this sounds harsh but I'm just giving my two cents like you asked.
Aloha.
I just don't understand what happened between us. I accepted the fact that he only wab=nted to be friends. I accpeted with the thought that I would make him want more. I thought that he was just being careful, and he didn't tell me that he was not looking for a relationship until after we had been intimate, So I kinda feel that he mislead me a little. Still in all, the sex that we shared was great and we were able to hold good conversations, so I thought that possibly we would develop something that meant a little more than what we currently have. But as soon as I moved into his house it looks like he stopped wanting me, Emotionally and physically....
What a blow to my ego.... This has never happened to me before.
I thank you for your words of encouragement, they helped me a lot.
Peace
I will continue to live in my new home, and continue with my life without him. There is no clause in the lease that says I can not date. My kids are not affected by this because they are not aware of it. My personal life is just that MY PERSONAL LIFE... They have only seen him in person maybe 4 times total. SO he is definitely not a factor in the lives of my children.
Oh man I know how you feel, gut wrenching isnt it? I am also in a similar situation, or coming out of a similar situation I should say. Thing is holding on only makes it harder for you. I know you dont want to but I suggest that you try to let him go, if a guy wants you bad enough he will seek you out. Actually most guys will move heaven and earth to be with the one they want and thats how it should be.Listen to his actions not his words.
Also dont turn the hurt in on yourself by thinking "I shouldnt have ", "I couldve" etc etc, this sort of thinking will only aid in beating yourself up which is not warranted. You made a mistake about this one, so that makes you well human. Learn from it and be gentle with yourself. Remember what it is YOU would like a relationship to look and feel like, write it down. Anything that is only a little bit of what you want is not it and needs to be let go so the real thing can move in.
You deserve love and comfort.
:)
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