Emotional Baggage, How to put it down?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
Emotional Baggage, How to put it down?
30
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 3:22pm
Greetings folks,

I am going through a period in my life right now where I feel like I am destined to be alone for the rest of my life. I am 29 years old I have two sons that are scholl age that I am raising alone. Their father and I were together for 10 years but never married. I have never been married. Sadly it did not owrk out between us and I moved on with my life about a year ago. I was very excited and eager to get on with my life after it did not work out with my kids dad he was physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive to me. Not to mention he is a less than desireable providder for his sons. The problem is that when I found myself back in the dating game I no longer knew how to play.

It seems as if now a days anyone that I might possibly have an interest in already has someone, or is up to some other scheme or has some hidden agenda which for the most part involves going to bed and not having any other responsibility to me. Since this is not how I was reaised I have a real problem with the whole " no strings attached" sex thing so I choose not to get involved in situations like that. Well that was until a little while ago.

About six months ago I met this guy that I was really attracted to. He's about seven years older than me, he's very handsome, divorced, father of two, set in his career, and financially comfortable. He seemed more than compatible based on those qualities alone. Now first let me make it very clear that in the whole time I have been seeing him including now, I have never asked him for anything tangible, nor have I ever tried to push my kids off on him. I am independent I pay my own bills, I pay my own way, for me and my kids and I never wanted im to feel like I was looking for someone to step in and pick up where my ex left off in our lives. So our relationshop startd off pretty good at first.

He did tell me very early on that he did not want to jump into a relationship right away. His exact words were " Let's be the best of buddies and see where things go" Convinced that he would fall in live with me I agreed to that sort of relationship with him which was great at first. The way I saw it was " His mouth says we're friends his actions say he's mine" We were seeing a lot of each other for about 3 good weeks and then all of a sudden he became chronically busy, and hardly had any time to spend with me. After a few months of this he finally came to me with the idea that I move closer to him. He owns a few properties and had a really nice house that he was willing to rent me for a great price. I decided to move in. He said that " Once I am closer to him we will be able to see more of each other" I have been there a month now and I have not seen him. What the hell is going on? He says that he cares abou me, I kow that he is sexually satisfied with me, what could be going on? I feel so confused,I don't know if I am wasting my time or not, he is very hard to read. His mouth sayd one thing and his actions say another.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 2:51pm
I thank you, Your words of encouragement have a ring of wisdom to them that was not lost on me and my seemingly hopeless situation. I thank you again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2004
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 9:40pm
Oh, Baby, Bless your heart.

How many of these nasty little situations have most of us been in? I've been single for a number of years (too many) and find myself always at odds...seems that either I'm having hangups about committing, or he does, or finally I come around only to discover that he's lost interest! It's all painful, true. But know that you're not alone and you're WORTHY. It makes you feel pretty stupid sometimes, especially later when your head clears. But you make the best decisions that you can at any given moment; maybe the previous decisions you made haven't worked out for you, but now you're faced with new decisions. Just do the best you can and listen to your head as well as your heart. This man is a user, you already know that, and you're in a tough spot as far as moving away, dating, and continuing your life. What happens if you break away and start dating, will he evict you or go up on the rent? It's possible.

It surely DOES hurt, I know. I've only recently ended it with an old boyfriend who got another girlfriend during a breakup that he hasn't wanted to let go. I became the "other woman" and let him convince himself and try to convince me that it was my fault he did this because I'm hard to get along with. And yes, it hurts. But, there's a point where you just have to stop and tell yourself "wait a minute! this isn't right!" It's not all you, and you deserve some respect, which you aren't getting.

Give yourself some respect, girl. Remember those little ones who depend on you and look up to you, and stop beating yourself up. It's done, learn from it. We all travel that road.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2004
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 6:13am
Hello - New here, looking for ideas & support.

I can relate to your posting, '29'.

It hurts when you want more commitment than

the man can give right now. He may be rejecting the

message that you want a new 'dad' for your boys.

Maybe all he wants right now is a nice, attractive partner

and good sex. The question is, can you accept that?

I'm 38,

seeing 'Tom' for five months. I have a child and

I too was hoping Tom could be a 'step-dad' for her. But he

wants no commitments. He's told me so. We enjoy great

sex about once a week, dinners together, talk about

anything- but that's it. I

accept it for now, but not for long....I hope to walk away

from Tom and look for someone who is more eager to settle down/God bless

-J
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 11:27pm
You say you are independant, yet you allow yourself to be under his rule of thumb and at his mercy and you have kids to tote along too. Unless he was marrying you-your best bet would have been to steer clear of the tenant situation. It's obviously a sex thing and nothing more. Get yourself out before its too late. Unfortunately the only person with something to lose here is you. You are investing everything in a relationship that does not exist and he invests nothing. Sure, your rent is cheap, but at what cost?? You went from one bad relationship to another. Besides, ask yourself --if he really does decided to wise up and choose you to be with and spend time with and finally devote himself - is this the man you really want?? You say you are independant and his material possesions do not matter - but you mention them and list them out as if he also owns you. I think EVEN though you just moved in..you should make future plans to GET OUT. That isn't impossible.

One thing i heard somewhere and believe to be true..these men we date that we complain about--its nothing but our fault. We attract the men we date. So if you are NOT happy, its your own fault and this guy, he's a free bird. Sounds like he always plans on being one.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but I'm just giving my two cents like you asked.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2003
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 2:26pm
Change your normal routine. Get lots of exercise, eat well and get involved with the children. Move out of this ridiculous "easy access" situation. You will move on and find someone who truly respects you. Cut all ties and start over by meeting new people. When you finally meet a man who makes you feel incredible and truly loved you will know when the time is right for sex. Be very cautious and strong. Will pray for you because I had a "friend" with no strings attached and caught him cheating on me. Now I'm with the man of my dreams and we DO NOT live together.

Aloha.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 4:33pm
That's just it... I never ever once implied or even hinted around to wanting him for my boys. My boys have a father that is very active in their lives. From the time met this man I never wanted any interaction with him and my kids. I wasnot sure how long he would be around and I was definitely unsure about the role that he would eventually play in my life. I don't feel it is fair to drag my kids through every relationship I have. I They have already experienced a break up ( Their father and I ) so I try very hard to keep my personal life a secret from them. If he had any hang ups about my kuds they were his alone. Because I would not even allow him to visit until they were asleep or not at home.

I just don't understand what happened between us. I accepted the fact that he only wab=nted to be friends. I accpeted with the thought that I would make him want more. I thought that he was just being careful, and he didn't tell me that he was not looking for a relationship until after we had been intimate, So I kinda feel that he mislead me a little. Still in all, the sex that we shared was great and we were able to hold good conversations, so I thought that possibly we would develop something that meant a little more than what we currently have. But as soon as I moved into his house it looks like he stopped wanting me, Emotionally and physically....

What a blow to my ego.... This has never happened to me before.

I thank you for your words of encouragement, they helped me a lot.

Peace
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 4:42pm
First of all, I am independent. I did not need this man to provide for me a place to live. I was already occupying a three bedroom house with MY kids. True I allowed myself to get caught up in the physical, Only because I feel like sex should not exist without an emotional attachment. But he DOES NOT OWN ME. And I have rights... We signed a legal lease I do not have to pack up and go anywhere because the relationship has gone awry. I can deal with the fact of not sleeping with him anymore, HE does nto occupy the same living space as me, I pay rent to him, So move for what?? That wuld be cutting off my nose to spite my face and him. Hell if I leave he would only rent the place for MORE MONEY hence making him the winner again.

I will continue to live in my new home, and continue with my life without him. There is no clause in the lease that says I can not date. My kids are not affected by this because they are not aware of it. My personal life is just that MY PERSONAL LIFE... They have only seen him in person maybe 4 times total. SO he is definitely not a factor in the lives of my children.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2004
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 4:54pm
Hi There,

Oh man I know how you feel, gut wrenching isnt it? I am also in a similar situation, or coming out of a similar situation I should say. Thing is holding on only makes it harder for you. I know you dont want to but I suggest that you try to let him go, if a guy wants you bad enough he will seek you out. Actually most guys will move heaven and earth to be with the one they want and thats how it should be.Listen to his actions not his words.

Also dont turn the hurt in on yourself by thinking "I shouldnt have ", "I couldve" etc etc, this sort of thinking will only aid in beating yourself up which is not warranted. You made a mistake about this one, so that makes you well human. Learn from it and be gentle with yourself. Remember what it is YOU would like a relationship to look and feel like, write it down. Anything that is only a little bit of what you want is not it and needs to be let go so the real thing can move in.

You deserve love and comfort.

:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2003
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 8:22pm
I would stay in the house and continue to see him...However, I would not sleep with him anymore...Sex always has a way of complicating the situation...If this relationship is meant to be more, then in time it will be...When sex is involved, it somehow slows down the process of either moving forward or ending...when the sex is as good as you say it is, what's the benefit to changing anything? If he can freely come and go in your life, why should he give more? Anyone, if given something good for nothing, would not jump to changing a thing...As for your children, in my opinion, it is unhealthy for them to see you in an unstable relationship...You say that you both get along well, etc, but still, there are no signs that its going anywhere and that can make things dangerous for your kids well being...Children need the security of knowing that Mom is happy and being taken care of...No matter how young they are, they can sense when things are not right...I went through a similar situation with my exhusband...I took care not to bring anyone that I was dating around my children until I was in a serious relationship...It may not be ideal for everyone, but it worked for me...Unlike my sister who is in and out of relationships and its confused the heck out of my niece...Good luck to you and I hope things work out...
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2004
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 11:18pm
I just wanted to let you know that you are not the only one in the place you are now. I am in the same issue but i know that my guy heart was broken a long time ago. When I started seeing him about 2 years ago i said no strings because i was finishing my divorce now i feel like i am not good enough for the rest of his life. I did the same thing 3 months ago I moved to town so I was closer to him. It was great till he decided bars and party were better than coming over here. I hope for the best for you but dont waste your life waiting. Try finding another guy and maybe that next one will be the one for you. I know it is not easy i am 32 mother of two and I dont get alot of time to go out. Good luck