Emotional Baggage, How to put it down?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
Emotional Baggage, How to put it down?
30
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 3:22pm
Greetings folks,

I am going through a period in my life right now where I feel like I am destined to be alone for the rest of my life. I am 29 years old I have two sons that are scholl age that I am raising alone. Their father and I were together for 10 years but never married. I have never been married. Sadly it did not owrk out between us and I moved on with my life about a year ago. I was very excited and eager to get on with my life after it did not work out with my kids dad he was physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive to me. Not to mention he is a less than desireable providder for his sons. The problem is that when I found myself back in the dating game I no longer knew how to play.

It seems as if now a days anyone that I might possibly have an interest in already has someone, or is up to some other scheme or has some hidden agenda which for the most part involves going to bed and not having any other responsibility to me. Since this is not how I was reaised I have a real problem with the whole " no strings attached" sex thing so I choose not to get involved in situations like that. Well that was until a little while ago.

About six months ago I met this guy that I was really attracted to. He's about seven years older than me, he's very handsome, divorced, father of two, set in his career, and financially comfortable. He seemed more than compatible based on those qualities alone. Now first let me make it very clear that in the whole time I have been seeing him including now, I have never asked him for anything tangible, nor have I ever tried to push my kids off on him. I am independent I pay my own bills, I pay my own way, for me and my kids and I never wanted im to feel like I was looking for someone to step in and pick up where my ex left off in our lives. So our relationshop startd off pretty good at first.

He did tell me very early on that he did not want to jump into a relationship right away. His exact words were " Let's be the best of buddies and see where things go" Convinced that he would fall in live with me I agreed to that sort of relationship with him which was great at first. The way I saw it was " His mouth says we're friends his actions say he's mine" We were seeing a lot of each other for about 3 good weeks and then all of a sudden he became chronically busy, and hardly had any time to spend with me. After a few months of this he finally came to me with the idea that I move closer to him. He owns a few properties and had a really nice house that he was willing to rent me for a great price. I decided to move in. He said that " Once I am closer to him we will be able to see more of each other" I have been there a month now and I have not seen him. What the hell is going on? He says that he cares abou me, I kow that he is sexually satisfied with me, what could be going on? I feel so confused,I don't know if I am wasting my time or not, he is very hard to read. His mouth sayd one thing and his actions say another.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 8:52am
Did you move to this place he's rented you because it was a good move for you and your children, or just to be close to him? Hopefully it's the former. You have a family and they're your first priority, you don't want to uproot them for a guy.

,
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 10:16am
I definitely moved because it was a good move for my kids and me. I took them to see the house before deciding on it so we all could make the decision together because ultimately what is important to me is their comfort and happiness. They loved the house, and wanted to move in right away, I'll be honest I was attracted to the offer for both reasons of a better place to live, and also being closer to this man that I thought I had something semi special with. But I know it was a good move for me because I am happier there even thought I don't see him anymore. He obviously did not come with the house. Each day I am finding that I am re growing my back bone where he is concerned, while I miss having the physical relationship with him, I have allowed myself to see just how mistreated I was by him. I'm not angry at him, I'm angry at me for allowing him to have the power to make me come out of character the way that I did. I know that when someone is interedted they show it and you do not have to wonder. I mean I am almost thirty and I have two kids aged 9 and 7 I've been in love before so I know what it looks like. In fact I know what "like" looks like too, and the more I think about it me and my special friend never really had anything more than tremendous sex. While we may respect esch other's personal strengths and accomplishments ( Perhaps the very thing that makes us " friends" ) We will probably more than likely remain " just friends. I am okay with that. I love me way more than anyone else could, and I know that I deserve someone who's feelings, emotions, and actions mirror mine. I do believe that we can have a productive friendship without the sex. I am not a fatal attraction type and believe that despite what has happened he is stilla good person. He did warn me before hand. It is obvious that I read to much into him. He'll have to forgive me, but he made love to me like he cared. Imagine that a grown woman like me still getting the wrong impresson behind an oragasm, like a teenager. I'm embarrassed at the least. But I thank you from the bottom of my heart for responding back to me.

Peace
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 8:53pm
unhappilysingle29,

First let me say that my hat goes off to you for being strong and independent when it comes to leaving an abusive relationship. As for the rest... It sounds like this guy doesn't know if he wants you or not. Maybe he sincerely was "chronically busy" but that may have been another way for him to remove himself from the relationship so that he didn't loose touch but could take the time he needed to figure things out. This may sound harsh but what struck me when I read the last paragraph was that he wants you close so he can have you when HE wants. I just hope you don't feel obligated to him now that he rents you a house. That's a tough situation to be in and I wish you luck but if I were you I would move on and not let him move in!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2004
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 7:48pm
I Feel the same way you do
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 9:34pm
>He owns a few properties and had a really nice house that he was willing to rent me for a great price.

He is trying to make a profit off of you. To me, that's disturbing. Does he only have a financial incentive here? My feeling is, you were set up. You moved in, he has your rent money, now he's out of the picture. You were duped. The best advice I have is, stay there until your lease is up (if you have a lease) then find somewhere else to live and forget about him. He has nothing to offer you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 9:40am
>but if I were you I would move on and not let him move in!

If he hasn't seen her several weeks, I doubt he wants to move in any time soon. One would have to be deluded to believe that he wants to move in.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 10:34am
I am lost.. O have no clue what you are talkign about. Who said anything about him moving in? Who said I even wanted him to move in? Why would he rent me his house to move in with me? That makes no sense. I imagine that with all of the responses to this post, the real subject has been muddled and may not be as clear to follow as it once was. I thank you for your opinion and advice just the same though.

Peace
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 10:38am
Who said anything about him moving in? A previous poster did, that is who I was replying to. I even copied and pasted her words about him supposedly wanting to move in.

I do know the original poster (you?) did not say anything about him wanting to move in. My feeling is, someone was misinterpreting the post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 11:41am
Sorry... I guess when one engages in activities like this, one has to expect someone to mis interpret, misunderstand, and the like.. I had no idea that this post would have gotten the response that it has. For the most part the advice I have resecived has been sincere , I was also stunned to learn that so many of us are going through similar situations.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 11:44am
Since actions speak louder than words it does show that your friend is not ready for any type of commitment. Drop him!

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