Emotionally unavailable again & again
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 09-25-2006 - 3:27pm |
I am a thirty something, divorced (no children) professional, who keeps finding myself with good guys- but they are emotionally distant. My cycle is always the same; I take things slow physically & mentally, I am too generous in some ways too early on (offer to pay, buy small gifts), I am nice, very independant, polite, thoughtful, much too available once things get serious. Every guys' parents always love me, and hope their son will marry me- but the guy always gets bored with me in the end.
It's the same thing every time: the sex all but stops, they pick fights with me, become more distant than when I found them. I refuse to marry again until I know I am not settling- but how the heck do I break this cycle? I am not a doormat- I call a guy out if he does something disrespectful, believe me. But I get taken for granted every time.........my life story.........I even memorized "Why men love B*****S, it was a huge help- but not the answer just yet............
How do I stop myself from being taken for granted?

duffdom72...
Pianoguy doesn't know you "up close and personal"...so the thoughts that follow are strictly based on the vibes he received from your post.
1. Perhaps your male choices sense that there's a little desperation in you? So they get enough sex (or whatever else that's connected with your personality) to keep them satisfied. Then when THEY'VE HAD ENOUGH...THEY DROP YOU!
2. Perhaps you're expecting something in the way of a lifelong commitment after a certain number of dates...or specific period of time? Most men usually can sense this about a woman! If the guys you've dated in the past aren't "the marrying kind"---they can easily pick a fight with you in order to BAIL OUT of the relationship!
3. I don't think any woman (or any man) should become "the doormat" for ANYBODY! But if your behavior towards the men you've dated comes on as condensing, too demanding, or takes on the form of a 'mother-like lecture figure' from time-to-time...most of us will get sick of it! . Most men date a woman because WE LIKE HER! But if her 'bad personality habits' outweigh the good stuff---we know it's a lot smarter to drop you for someone else with a 'gentler' disposition?
Pianoguy
I can't tell you where you are going wrong because I can't see you and your dating situations. Here are some thoughts though:
1) You might be handling your dating life much like your professional and financial life. You are very careful and probably don't make mistakes. But with dating you have to quit trying to make things perfect and be able to be a little vulnerable and open.
2) Some might not agree with me but never pay on the first few dates. You can judge a man's generosity by his ability to pull out his wallet on a date. If you offer to leave the tip, or go dutch, and the man accepts, you are probably looking at a guy that is going to expect a lot out of you and may not reciprocate. You have the rest of your life to pay half, no need to start right from the beginning.
Do the guys get *bored* with you (as you say in your post), or are they emotionally unavailable? Those are two different issues, IMO.
I have a problem with the EU guys that I am consciously trying to change. I'm getting better at cutting them out of my life as soon as they start to show the signs of being EU, although I haven't been completely successful at it (some guys are harder for me to walk away from than others for some reason). Counseling has been very helpful with learning how to do this, and every time I give an EU guy his walking papers, it helps me feel as though I'm really making progress. But it is a process, not something that changes overnight.
So if you are connecting with EU guys, that's what I would recommend...learning the signs and disconnecting as soon as you start to see them. A good source for a list of red flags to watch out for is "He's Scared, She's Scared" by Steven Carter.
Sheri
Can I be the only person on all of the ivillage message boards who truly believes that 'emotionally unavailable'/'has fear of commitment'/'has intimacy issues' blah blah blah is just an invented fancy way of describing the situation where one person is not IT for the other? If a man is truly and seriously into you physically and mentally and feels a 'click' with you, he will NOT fear commitment (whether that is marriage or live-in LTR or just LTR will vary from man to man and couple to couple), he will be VERY emotionally available and have no problem whatsoever with intimacy - at least in my (considerable) experience.
Actually, it's even funny to be honest... WHAT in God's name is emotional unavailability? Who invented the term and why not just call it what it is - a symptom of lack of real interest? Is it when he does not reveal who he really is? does not want to spend time talking about his feelings and emotions and YOUR feeling and emotions? is happy to 'compartmentalise' and spend very little time with you or turn up every couple of weeks out of the blue and then disappear again till he feels like contact with you? Don't all of those things simply mean that he is not all that into you, he is not 'clicking' with you, is not interested in anything developing out of you and him and is therefore keeping his options open?
I remember a poster on the Online Dating board (I think) who was in her mid-late 40s and who was 'sort of kind of' seeing this man of the same age who lived on a boat and who made it very clear to her from the start that the boat was more or less more important to him than she was, that he did not want any consistency in their relationship; he kept their contact to seeing each other once every few weeks; he wouldn't let her meet his mother; he would not call or make any concrete plans - you get the picture. There'd be a post after post from this lady repeatedly expressing her frustration with his 'emotional unavailability, fear of commitment and intimacy issues' along with her deep dissatisfaction with a way this whole thing was going; she disappeared for a while then reappeared to say that they broke up, and a mere few months after they did he met a much younger woman with a child who after a short time of dating him was already living with him and her child on his precious boat, was part of his family and I believe they were even already engaged. I don't remember all the details but my point is that all of the 'issues' in the relationship this 40 something woman had with the boat man stemmed from the fact that she wasn't IT for him, he was looking for that click, he found it, none of the problems he had with the previous partner were there anymore simply because the previous partner wasn't the right one..and that by far not the only story I could give as an example.
Well, all I have to do is call up my c'phobe ex (we broke up almost 10 years ago but are now friends) who is still single because of how messed up he is in that department, and I'm reminded that yes, there definitely are people out there who truly are damaged in this way. I don't disagree that it's over-diagnosed...but that doesn't mean it doesn't exist. I'm glad that we are friends, he's a great person in a lot of ways, but he's got *issues*, and he won't do anything to address them, even though he's unhappy being alone or he ends up getting himself involved in inappropriate relationships that have no chance of going anywhere...and I'm really glad his issues are not my problem any more.
If someone has issues that get in the way of being in a committed relationship and does nothing to address those issues, despite wanting be in a committed relationship...that's the type of situation I'm talking about.
I don't doubt that there are some people out there for whom it truly is just a matter of not having met someone who is right for them yet, but there are also people who choose to close themselves off from having healthy intimate relationships by not addressing the issues that prevent them from connecting. If that happens a couple times, yeah, it's probably just a question of HJNTIY. But if it happens over and over and over again, in every relationship the person has, and they are in their 40s or 50s? Probably not just a matter of not being into the person.
Sheri
<>
Rather than "call them out", set some deal-breaker boundaries. If a guy does something disrespectful, you need to do more than "call them out". You need to move on. Otherwise, if you put up with it once (by staying), then they are sure to think it's ok to do it again. After all, if you just tell him he's been a bad boy, so what? So you get a little angry and you reprimand him. It's really no skin off of his teeth.
So setting stricter boundaries won't necessarily keep you from *meeting* EU men, but it *can* help you weed them out more quickly.
It *could* be that you're just meeting the wrong guys - but the very first step is to change your behavior and see if that ellicits a change in the men you meet.
Also, take a look at how you're meeting these men and what their life circumstances are. Is he too recently divorced/out of a long term relationship or had a bitter breakup or divorce? Not yet divorced? Never been married (and at his age, why not?).
Do the men you date have anything in common that might be contributing to their behavior? (like I said, maybe they've all been divorced within a year or something).
Edited 9/26/2006 1:15 pm ET by blondie0506
I see what each & every one of you is saying. I should have entitled my post "Taken for granted again". I know that I don't come off as needy or desperate; I revel in independance and have already been married; my biological clock is on snooze until further notice. But I guess I definitely come off as the serious type- no FWB or one nighters with me.
However, I know my "bad behavior" as Pianoguy puts it. I am not perfect. I go from happy to upset quick sometimes- but I don't yell, curse, hurl personal insults- I do jump the gun at times though- I guess I get emotional if I think I am going to get hurt. As The Answer Man says- I need to manage my upsets.
I am too much of a "good girl". Honest, loyal, dependable, always there when needed- but I give tons of space as well. I just keep losing them around one year or so. I DO think E/O and Committmentphobia is over diagnosed- but appropriate for some as Sheri mentioned.
Thank you.
I think you hit the nail on the head in your first post. You said you do too much and give too much early on, and later in the relationship too. Unfortunately, a lot of men translate a woman's availability and generousity as being "desperate," or just not enough of a challenge. I'm not saying you should play hard-to-get, but I do believe it's self-protective to hold back a bit and resist the temptation to let it all hang out when you're just getting to know a man. And I'm not speaking sexually... I'm talking about the gifts, the home-cooked meals, the offers to do nurturing things for him. These actions definitely have their time and place. But it's generally NOT in the first few weeks of dating someone. Reserve your willingness for the time when the man who shows you he is equally willing.
And once you're in a committed relationship, it's still a good rule of thumb to keep some time for yourself and your own activities away from the relationship. In other words, love a man with your whole heart...not with your whole LIFE. I hope that makes sense and helps some.
Good advice as always Jilly. I give too much within the first few months (around 2) thanks goodness- at least not weeks. I do not give away, sexually- but in ways of time & generosity. I need to learn to hold back. Lessons to keep learning and learning.........
THANKS!