Emotionally Unavailable Man But..?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2004
Emotionally Unavailable Man But..?
4
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 12:02pm
HI Everyone, looking for some insight--A mans thoughts would be helpful?

I started dating a man who found me & pursued me. We had approx. 6 GREAT Dates, we were also intimate on the last two dates. Well, the last date, things didn't "work" great for him (in bed).He was jet lagged& tired as well as had a lot on his mind-we talked about it earlier. I noticed our discussion earlier in the night focused on his ex-they divorced about 4 yrs ago-from what I know-she wasn't good to him and he treated her like a queen. He left her & they keep a good relationship for the kids sake. However, she also discusses her personal life with him-I guess she is chasing some guy who is married & they both knew this guy when they were married.Well, he discussed with me how he doesn't understand how she could do that-chase a married former friend who is a loser & treats her bad-how she could prefer that type of thing/man instead of the life he gave her & treated him so bad when he treated her so well. He said it makes him feel like "What was So wrong with ME" He said, that she would do this to herself, act like a crazy person for this guy-like an addict...I tried being supportive of him & at the same time noticing the conversations kept going back to his feelings of what she's doing-I wanted to hear more of that he thought of me while & I did something about it before things got closer with us. After our last date & things not working so "well" for him that night..I told him that even though things didn't go "well" for him that night, it was ok, it wasn't my first priority & I understood.For Me, Cuddling would've been fine-we didn't have to do anything more? I asked him if because he had so much on his mind - Did he feel he couldn't/didn't want to continue seeing me -I said this because I've been hurt before & didn't need to get attached to someone whose head isn't all there with me & "us" right now & who I was starting to care for? He ended up saying that he thought he was just in a "funk" right now, feeling numb & those things eat him up alot it seems...He said he felt he was "Emotionally Unavailable" & he thoguth maybe it was better to stop seeing eachother. He didn't want to go through the motions of dating, getting more serious or closer & him potentially hurting me more later if he doesn't get it together. NOW, I took this like a "lady" & said maybe when you feel like you want to have someone in your life again-you will want to find me again later like you did before..He has told me how Sweet, Sexy, Funny etc I am- how Great he thinks I am..At first I doubted if he meant all those great things he said about me & if he told the truth about all this or not-maybe just finding a way out, but he doesn't seem to be that kind of man & seems genuine because he has kept in touch with me since even though we haven't dated in about 2 weeks, and he was appreciative of my way I handled this-he was very sorry and just recently told me "I've had so many thoughts about things BUT I will get Past this"...I wonder, what does this mean for me? If he feels all those GREAT things about me, what do I do, how do I proceed with this..I do want him to return. My idea is to keep in friendly contact & hope that at some point he will ask to see me again..I seem to make him smile often in my e-mails to him & he thinks I'm so sweet, he also really seems to want to GET OVER what he's feeling?He hasn't said YES to finding me again--but he has said "I WILL get over this.." and I told him when he did get through this, I'll be here if he choses to start over & try again. Any thoughts cuz I think he really is a great guy & I'd love to start dating him again. I hope the fact I have been so great about this & so supportive & sweet that he will recognize it & want to see me again. What are your thoughts? Thanks in advance!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2004
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 8:19am
Good Morning Sweet! I think we are kindred spirits.......at least having similar experiences right now anyway! I am in love with a guy that is 'getting over' some issues too. We started dating last spring, had a great summer, but in september he decided he needed to 'get over' the divorce, and some personal issues. Thankfully he really is serious about it all, to the point that he started counseling and is truly working on things......meanwhile we agreed that I am a huge distraction for him (he says he can't say no to me - personally speaking, thats NOT a bad thing! but I know he needs to be alone right now!) SO, I am sitting here quietly (HA!) trying to let him be on this path to healing.

My encouragement would be that IF ITS MEANT TO BE, IT WILL BE......and if he's worth the hassle, and you feel in your gut it's real, then hang in there! It's not an easy path tho, and as September became October and he still needs some more time, I am becoming increasingly unsure of myself and the relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 9:00am
One very important thing I learned about dating is do NOT be "supportive and sweet" hoping he'll fall in love with you for being so good to him. I've made that mistake MANY times and all it ever has done is make me fall in love deeper and the guy never reciprocates it, so I end up hurt even MORE.

Do NOT wait around for this guy - it sounds like that's what you're planning to do.

He is a good man to cut you loose while he is still healing from his ex. He has to be a whole person again before he can be something to someone new. And if you wait for that to happen, well, he might end up deciding when all is said and done that it's not you he wants to be with, then where does that leave you? Several months (or years) into it, and then it will be even harder for you to let go.

Don't be his friend unless you can be his friend without hoping it will evolve into more once he "realizes" what you've done for him. If you can be his friend and not hope he'll end up falling in love with you, then go for it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 11:28am
I have to agree. IMO it would be a mistake to put your own life on hold waiting for another person to become emotionally healthy. That usually takes years, and sometimes never happens at all. He is not at all capable of being in a healthy relationship right now and it's actually lucky for you that he is insightful enough to realize it and considerate enough to admit it and cut you loose. Some men would keep you hanging on for their own selfish benefit. Chalk this up to a life lesson learned, take something positive away from it, wish him well and then let go and move on. Don't hold on to hopes of "maybe someday" he will be ready. Live in the present and find someone who's available right now. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2004
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 1:04pm
HI Everyone,

Thanks for your responses....I guess because of my history with men maybe something in the back of my mind thinks this guy wasn't being honest with me. Its Sad to finally think & believe you found the one guy who has all the qualities you desire & is great for you & feels the same for you as you did him...but then...this happens & you want to believe there might be a few good guys left and he is being honest with me & then it makes you question "what really happened, what was wrong with me that he didn't like or want, cuz it all seemed GREAT?".I decided that I am a hell of a catch & I was divorced 3 years ago (shorter than he has been divorced) and I waited many years to have my own life & went through this with an unavailable man before & I don't want to do it again..I'm gonna go after my own wants now...if he comes back-HOPEFULLY I'll be available and if I'm not-then it was his loss not mine--Right~Someone agree with me..LOL Thanks again..SweetXO