Endless relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Endless relationship
4
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 5:23pm
It’s a long, long, story. But I am going to try and make it shorter. I don’t know if this is important, but I am a Black woman and he is a White man. We met overseas in 1980 while he was on assignment in my country, and I was a freshman in college. He was the first man in my life, and I did not choose to start this relationship: he unceremoniously grabbed me on the beach, kissed me the way that I imagine a soldier must kiss a girl working the sidewalk (now that I have more experience with kisses), and proceeded to making love without even saying a word (no, I won’t call it rape, we had "gone out" twice before that). Now that I have become aware of race dynamics in the American society, I believe that he had never been able to approach a Black woman before heading for my country, and just could not wait one minute longer to ... find out. He was a very handsome man with a brash, arrogant personality. Icy light eyes. And so we dated for a while before he announced that his fiancee was coming over to visit. I did not know he had a fiancee back home. I was humiliated in front of our circle of friends, and those who did not approve of the interracial relationship to begin with, said that I had gotten what I deserved for dating a White guy. He stayed away from me for a while until she left. I never saw this relationship for what it is until years later: I had been unknowingly, naively dating a married man. Amazingly, he came to my house after she went back to America, accompanied by his best friend (for moral support, I suppose). They invited me for drinks and he left my house furious when I turned down that invitation. Disgusting, arrogant guy! But did this turn me off? NO! I was curious to hear what he had to say about what had happened, and I ended up visiting him (keep in mind that telephones were not readily accessible in my country in 1980). That visit ended in bed. The morning after, I told him that I don’t want to see him anymore because I don’t want to suffer, and he just responded: “I accept” in a voice as icy as his eyes. After several weeks of internal turmoil, I could not take it any more and the relationship resumed once more. He would take me to the nicest restaurants and hotels but he verbally put me down in public several times, even making fun of my English (if he could hear me now!). He also took me to official functions where company officials and all others knew he was engaged to be married. Eventually, he left my country for his next assignment. The separation was emotional, and he said that he wanted me to come and see him in that other country. From there, however, he soon wrote me an unnecessarily abrupt letter asking me to never contact him again.

That was 23 years ago. I never married (I don’t know if that has anything to do with this persistantly open wound or not) and I finally moved to the US when I got a very nice job offer; I am now pursuing a rewarding career. But for sure, I was never able to get him out of my mind.

It recently turned out that he lives with his wife (the then fiancee) and kids about 15 miles from where I am. And the other day, my phone rang. I picked up, but the person at the other end of the line did not talk for a long time, then suddenly asked a generic question..... and I recognized his voice, 23 years notwithstanding. I just said: “wrong number” and hung up. It looks to me like faith has it that this undeserving, uncaring man will always cast a shadow on my life. He has discovered/heard or whatever, that I am here, and I know that, should he find a way to make actual contact with me, I will be unable to avoid going back to being his mistress: he’s got my number. For now, I think he is wondering how to even talk to me after treating me like you-know-what back then. I am praying for strength, but I am also preparing mentally to try and be a “happy mistress,” because it seems impossible to shake this addiction. In this scenario, I would have a relationship with him, but continue to live my life normally. Sometimes, he would be able to see me, sometimes he would not. I would put my own priorities first, go out on my own or with friends, etc...instead of waiting for him. I would not expect him to leave his wife, would never attempt to let her know about me. Meanwhile, I would have a nice relationship with him and try to be happy.

I can almost hear you gasping. But I do believe that this could be just what the doctor prescribed to break this cycle of addiction. He is no longer that remote, mysterious American man eventually going back to that far-away land, America, he is no longer this young rising star living high under the tropics (if I am not mistaken, he has had some bad luck at work some time ago); and I am certainly no longer that wide-eyed native girl who marveled: “I have an American boyfriend,” so my experience and my age push me to suspect that if we should meet again this time around on this turf, I would simply stop being obsessed with him, fantasizing about him the way that I have been doing it for the past 23 years, and that it would prepare me for a real relationship with my real soulmate. Or perhaps it would not even take going to bed to achieve that: maybe seeing him 23 years later, I would not even be attracted to him!! That’s what I am hoping for. But chances are I will feel attracted. As for me, liquor store attendants still ask to see my ID when I am purchasing a bottle of wine. Maybe being single helps in staying younger longer?

Please do not condemn me: I really, really, want to break the spell thrown on me by those icy green eyes years ago. I always thought that addiction of this magnitude only happened in songs and movies. To you all younger people out there: it happens in real life, and I am living proof. I have been trying for the past 23 years to get rid of this feeling, and this is the only way I think I might finally find peace and freedom: by confronting it in this new encounter, if it happens.

But I need to know what you think.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 5:37pm
I think the thought of something is what you are fantasizing about- it's the *what if* syndrome. Try to see this guy for who he really is: A jerk who took advantage of a little girl and treated her like dirt. He knew he was getting married. He knew that he was hurting you. He didn't CARE. He is and will always be selfish. He heard you were in town and he tracked you down, I doubt to apologize for his behaviour. It was right of you to say wrong number. Do not allow this guy to dominate your life. You are not his slave. There is no life in being the mistress, so why even think about it? Don't you deserve to have someone who treats you with respect, who wants only you?

Change your number if you have to so he can't call you again.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 5:50pm
Alison, you are absolutely right. It's my gut feeling.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 5:58pm
Follow that gut, it's usually right on.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 10:47pm
23 years is a long time to clamp on a "fantasy man" who wasn't man enough to tell you the truth. In other words he took advantage of a naiive woman and used her for his own pleasure. You should learn from this experience. As you say, he is a cold and a calculator kind of person beside being a controler. He knows what he wants and has the power to control. You allowed this to happen and deeply inside you wish it happens again. This situation has prevented you from living your life and meeting a man with character to share your life with. Why keep on thinking and, in a way, wasting more time in this man? Isn't 23 years enough? He's always had a life, a fiancee and now children while you only have had a fantasy. It's time to move on and live your life.