Entreprenuers

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Entreprenuers
11
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 12:50pm
In December 2002, I met the most wonderful, wonderful man. At that time, I had just turned 38 and he was approaching his 41st birthday in April. Neither one of us has ever been married. (I was a late bloomer and am also practicing “chaste” courtships since becoming a practicing Catholic in my early 30’s). Neither one of us could get over how much we had in common. We began to fall in love.

A month into our relationship, this gentleman explained to me that he was an entrepreneur. He spent most of his life working for the federal government in Washington, D.C. Born in Western Mass., he choose to move back to Massachusetts 8 years ago to be close to his family. He has a wonderful family. I liked them very much and they likewise enjoyed me.

He worked in the corporate sector as an engineer for 2 years here before a friend of his asked him if he would like to start a company. They were quite successful in founding a major company in mid-1999, receiving millions of dollars of funding from venture capitalists. Unfortunately, the company filed for bankruptcy in December 2000. During this short but exhilarating ride, he accumulated more money than he ever had from previous jobs ($100,000). He bought himself a BMW ($600 month car loan + $300 insurance) to celebrate.

Realizing the wealth that could have been theirs had the company continued, he and his friend decided to start another company (disaster recovery) in January 2001. At this time, the economy was ailing and funding was scarce. Thus, over the course of the next 2.5 years, he began to invest his savings into the company to pay for salary expense and operating costs (cumulative total of $80,000). Eventually, he ran out of money and began living on credit cards.

In January 2003, he referenced $30,000 debt. I wasn’t sure what he meant by that, but as time progressed, I realized it was credit card debt. I wasn’t overly alarmed because he always reassured me that his company was on the verge of “taking off” and/or receiving funding via a bank loan or private investors. Also, he owned a townhouse in Washington, DC that he was hoping to sell. Thus, I assumed he would become solvent eventually. Conscious that he was tight on cash, I told him he didn’t need to take me out to expensive places or spend money that he didn’t have. A bottle of wine with take out or a home cooked meal was more than enough.

By June 2003, we were talking about getting married. I began to think “tactically” about how we could plan a wedding. I should also mention that I had lost my job in October 2002 but was doing fairly well by consulting back at my old company. I asked him, “How much credit card debt do you have?” He answered, “$40,000.” I asked him, “What? I thought you said it was $30,000.” He replied, “I thought you were okay with my financial situation.” I responded, “But how did the balance move from $30,000 to $40,000 in 5 months?” He responded, “I haven’t been getting paid and have had to charge my living expenses.” I then asked him, “How would you ever pay for anything if we did get married?” He said, “I would charge a ring or any other expenses on a zero interest credit card.” This response alarmed me.

I explained that I would rather that he paid off his credit card debt than buy me a ring on a credit card. He was disappointed, but also said, “It shouldn’t matter. You are putting money before love. My financial situation shouldn’t matter.” From this point forward, the relationship began to deteriorate. I began to withdraw from him emotionally and question his sense of priorities and responsibility. I urged him to sell the townhouse in Washington, DC. It took him 9 weeks to track down the tenant who had been living in the property for 4 years without a raise in the rent and without a lease (tenant at will). During this 9 week stretch, I felt more and more alienated from him. “Why is he dragging his feet?” Likewise, I began to question what was going on at his company.

My boyfriend felt like I was “peppering him with questions, doubting him and withdrawing from him.” He was right. I was nagging him, especially about calling the tenant. I was anxious to resolve the issue so we could plan a life together. He felt insulted that I should make an issue of his finances. “98% of the relationship was good but this one topic seemed to outweigh everything else in your mind. You had to choose what was more important: me or my finances. I felt like I had an ax over my head: ‘Fix this or I won’t love you.’” I was looking for reassuring signs that he was responsible, serious about paving the way toward marriage, willing to compromise and concerned about how his situation affected me.

By the end of the summer, I realized his company was insolvent, a common state-of-being for a start-up company. They owed the landlord over $100,000 in back rent and were on the verge of being evicted. They had only $25k of monthly revenue vs. $50k of expense. If there was enough money, he and his colleagues would get paid $1,000 a week. If not, they were not paid. The president of this 6-man operation had 5 kids, a lien on his house, his car repossessed, his cell phone shut off and threats of foreclosure against his home. He and he alone managed the company’s finances. This practice seemed unwise to me, especially since my boyfriend had his life savings invested in the company.

Things started to look brighter at the company, but my boyfriend’s financial situation continued to worsen. When his tenant declined his offer to purchase the townhouse, he tried to refinance, rolling the BMW car loan and his credit card debt into the mortgage. This took 8 weeks but failed because his credit was so bad. By now, we are into September. We had a horrible summer – me not understanding why he couldn’t/wouldn’t ask the tenant to leave so he could sell the condo, why it took so long to contact the tenant, etc… He couldn’t sell his BMW because he didn’t have enough money to buy a new car or procure a loan.

As we were breaking up, I knew the tenant had indicated that he was going to move out in December, but I didn’t want to wait any longer in the event that something else came up to queer the deal. The stress of the situation (Is this going to work or not?) was taking a toll on my physical well-being – I had dark circles under my eyes, general fatigue, headaches and bouts of vertigo in the morning.

We broke up in late October. When we last spoke (a few weeks ago), he indicated that he had in fact sold the condo, paid off all of his credit card debt ($53,000), the company was doing better ($50k revenue vs. $90k expense), but that he and his partner were fighting constantly. Many of the business deals he had hoped for in the fall had not panned out, but he said they had yet another idea that was going to “really make the business take off.” He dreams of being a millionaire.

When we spoke about our relationship, he blamed everything on me. “You weren’t supportive at all. You did not believe in me. Your emotional withdrawal was counterproductive. You associate love with money. You made me miserable.” He insisted that he was powerless to improve the situation and had to wait on external events – even the tenant’s decision to leave. Had the tenant decided to stay, he said he would have tried to refinance in the new year.

I felt horrible and apologized for all of this. I agree that I made him feel “judged” about the way he was managing his finances, especially in light of the fact that he wanted to get married. I always explained to him that I was just trying to create as much stability as possible by encouraging him to sell the condo and that his situation as it was – especially since I had not found a full-time job – was out of my comfort zone. He simply did not agree. I also pointed out that I interpreted his “procrastination and disagreement” as a lack of respect for my feelings. He never apologized to me about anything. “You need to take a big picture view of life. Nothing is perfect. I want someone who is going to be there through thick and thin.”

I would love some perspective on this. I have learned that I need to be loving, kind and supportive, regardless of the situation. I am a CPA and business analyst – someone who is adept at managing money. By digging into/focusing on his situation, I made him feel inadequate. Nonetheless, I felt that I had a right to know what was going on.

Now that we are broken up, I look back on all the good times. I feel like I blew maybe my last chance to get married and that I will never find a nicer guy – although he certainly had his foibles. He doesn’t want to get back together and give it another go. I felt like I was being totally reasonable, but he disagrees. Thoughts? Was I putting money before love? I explained to him that I was putting financial stability before marriage, but we just had very different view points. My mother thinks he was never serious about putting something together.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2003
In reply to: sincerekind
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 2:03am
I was in a similar circumstance once, but I ended up marrying him. Before I met him I had 20 years of exellent credit - not even a single 30 day late. He had really bad credit and owed back child support, back taxes, and a bunch of other things. I helped him clean up his credit, figure out how to pay off everything he owed, make a payment plan with the IRS and his creditors, and parlayed a small settlement he had received in to a downpayment on a house (using my expertise in the RE industry to avoid using a realtor and save $$), etc. At the time I already owned my own home.

He had every good reason you could think of to explain his bad financial condition, and I believed that he had simply been the victim of a series of bad luck, bad ex, and the cost of raising a child as a single parent, etc. (He actually had his son living with him, but she had the legal paperwork so she took it to welfare and they started billing him even though the child was in his care - that one I could see with my own eyes so it made the other excuses more believable).

We ended up getting married and over the years he racked up every credit card I had to the max and got a bunch more without me knowing. After several years, he finally pressured me into selling my house which we had been renting out. A couple of months later he decided to declare BK. I refused and we argued all the time about money. He eventually walked out (which was fine with me -- he just beat me to the punch!). I then had to declare BK because there was no way I could pay all those bills on my own and support my kids (no child support -- another long story). He walked away from the house he had bought, too, leaving me and my kids with no where to live and me a BK on my record, too.

Bottom line is - his bad credit was the result of his overall lifestyle and values and that never changed, so his credit problems just resurfaced -- and took me down with him. My fault for not beliving the red flags I saw in the beginning.

It's all ok now -- it's years later and I own my home again and am doing just great on my own. He's living in a dump apartment somewhere blaming me for making him lose his home and saying my spending habits were what caused everything. Whatever! The proof is in the pudding and I guess anyone who has a lick of sense could just look at the situations we are in independently of each other to see what's what.

So, the moral of the story is - different financial lifestyles will cause nothing but problems. A couple will sink to the level of the lowest no matter how hard you fight to stop the long slide down. You did the right thing and should be glad to get out before he dragged you down with him! Stay strong -- and don't give up hope that there is someone else out there for you with whom you are truely compatible!

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