establishing contact

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2004
establishing contact
7
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 4:24pm
Hi. I have been dating my guy for four months before he told me he only wanted friendship from me. We were moving realy slow. We are both shy and reserved people. We saw each other once or twice a week. We never really discussed any problems in our relationship. When I met him, I was healing from the hurt feelings of an earlier dating realtionship and I had not been in a real relationship in more than ten years. So, I was truly not ready to move fast. He, however, does not know about this. He was moving slow along with me because he was reacting to my nervous responses to his physical advances. So, looking back, I appeared very uptight and not very physically affectionate towards him. (we've never been physcially intimate)

This was one of the reasons why he didn't want to pursue me romantically anymore. He told me he had hoped his feelings for me would grow romantically but it didn't. So, he decided a month before he told me this he only wanted sole friendship from me. He enjoys my company and would like to continue seeing me on a friendship basis. He is really quiet and not good at expressing his feelings. I had no idea this was bothering him. Things seemed to be progressing but slowly and I assumed he was comfortable with the pace. I thought he really liked me and was patient in getting to know me as a person. So, I felt special and was falling for him. He has been asking me out 90% of the time. I call him to show I am interested. I was ready to move a little faster but hesitated. So, with this new information, I was shocked. Because we don't communicate well, there were alot of assumptions. On our dates, we end awkwardly, as if we are still on our first date. I thought it was just his shyness. I never asked and he never said anything was wrong.

He told me all this three weeks ago. I was really hurt and angry at him and the situation and he knows it because when all this was revealed to me, it was the first time we really talked about our feelings towards one another. (we are also not emotionally intimate ) I told him I couln't turn off my romantic feelings for him just because he doesn't have any for me. He really wants to hang out with me still. I sent him an email a week later and told him I needed time to sort out my feelings and will give him a call when I am ready to be friends with him.

I am more clam now but I am still hurting and I do care about him too. I would like to re-establish contact with him but am afraid that he is angry at me for cutting him off for two weeks and not want to be friends with me anymore. I want to know if he is alright and I want to be friends. And in someways, I am hoping that he would change his mind and want a romantic relationship with me again. Can this happen? Or is this wishful thinking? Any insights would be really helpful. Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 4:42pm
loving86...

Nothing is IMPOSSIBLE...but when one-half of a couple wants to 'get serious' while the other half is only interested in a friendship...there's a problem. .

If you plan to renew your friendship with this man...then you have to accept the fact that IT'S JUST A FRIENDSHIP BETWEEN YOU! If you're trying things a 2nd time assuming that "sparks" will eventually ignite...you'll probably be just as disappointed as you are now!

Even though the 2 of you are basically shy...you impress me as being a bit more aggressive, am I right? Perhaps you need to seek out a man who wants to embrace your 'aggressiveness' and help you accelerate a relationship together?

Best wishes, lots of luck, and warm thoughts...

Pianoguy

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 4:52pm
There are few things more painful that hanging out with someone "as friends" when you really want a romantic r'ship with the person. BTDT...and it's awful. I would not contact him to re-establish a friendship unless and until you're completely over him.

And if he truly cares about you as a person, the fact that you needed time to do so won't bother him one bit.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2004
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 2:37pm
Thank you for responding to my post. He is actually the more aggressive one. I am more passive-aggressive. I have to accept that he does not want more than just sole frienship from me. I am not sure I am capable of that. How does one shift from a romantic relationship to just sole friendship, especially since I am the one that is rejected? Easier for him but hard for me. Is it easier for guys to turn off their feelings just like that?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2004
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 2:44pm
Thank you for responding to my post. How can I know when I am completely over him and just be friends? How can this friendship work? It is really hard just thinking about just being friends with him when I had hoped for more. I know I am not ready to move on and just start dating again. That would not be fair to the other person, while I am still hurting and trying to get over my guy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 5:32pm
loving86...

Pianoguy knows you can't switch from loving and romantic...to just being a buddy...by the snap of a finger! The segue process takes time...and probably...a little distance or short separation?

It's a shame your b/f doesn't want to love you the way you'd like to be loved...but perhaps his ideas and desires about "a perfect match for him" are out of sync with your definitions? Try not to let this set-back bother you...okay?

I'll bet there's probably a 'perfect loving soulmate' out there trying to locate YOU!

Pianoguy

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 6:05pm
The test: imagine you're talking to him on the phone and he's gushing on and on to you about this great new woman he's met, with whom he is head-over-heels in love. If your response is to be nothing but happy for him, then you're ready to be friends. If not, you're not.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2004
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 6:22pm
That hurts like hell to imagine. I am not ready. Thanks. A good test.