Ever feel like settling?
Find a Conversation
| Sat, 12-02-2006 - 10:17am |
After 1 1/2 years of singledom, I met a guy who I would consider a good relationship candidate. I'm 29 and yes, I do want to get married and have kids within the next few years and my enthusiasm about dating men is at it's lowest. I've come to despise first dates and they feel more like a chore than an opportunity to meet someone new. I also have a lot of stress in my work situation and am going on interviews a lot so the last thing I want now is to go on first dates which can sometimes feel like interviews.
This new guy is dependable, good-looking, honest, a good listener, kind, etc. The only thing lacking in him I'm afraid are great conversational skills/charm and a sense of humor, and he rarely smiles. He just doesn't make me laugh but I know how to amuse myself and him as well so I'm thinking I could live with that. Reliability is number one for me and he's the most reliable guy I've met thus far in the last 1 1/2 years, and he seems to enjoy talking to me and spending time with me. He seems to also like children and seems like he's looking for something long-term from little things he says. Physically, he's in incredible shape and has a nice face but I just don't feel that spark that I did with the previous guys I dated who all turned out to be disappointments in the end. I've dated so many men in the last year and a half who I thought were wonderful whether it was their charisma, conversational skills, silliness, kissing, sexual technique or other random things, who I felt incredible chemistry with and they turned out to be users, commitmentphobes, flakes or just looking for fun with no strings attached. So I'm thinking that these types of guys fall into the short term fun category and if I want something long-term, I can't be having that much fun because no man can keep up something like that for too long. There's other dating candidates on the market who are wanting to go out with me but I don't feel like putting forth the effort to date them, mainly because they have some character flaws I see emerging that I'm afraid will grow bigger as time goes on. Of course, my lack of interest makes them want me even more but I know all about the chase and realize it's just a game men play that I don't feel like being a participant of.
I want to be done with the dating world and this new guy seems like he's dating only me since we see each other every weekend though we have not discussed exclusivity. I feel like it will come up soon and since he got really friendly with the twins and every other part of me last night after our date, I think we're heading into the bedroom soon. Does it sound like I'm settling and is there anything wrong with settling?
Edited 12/2/2006 10:22 am ET by ising101

One question: do you enjoy spending time with him? That to me is the bottom line.
If so, then even if he doesn't have all the qualities you thought you wanted in a partner, so what?
But if you don't enjoy spending time with him, then yes you'd be settling and yes, there's something wrong with it, IMO. For one thing, how would you feel if you were in his shoes and you knew that your partner thought being with you was "settling"?
Sheri
Well, since you seem pretty ambivalent, I think that it makes sense to spend more time with this guy before you make any decisions to date exclusively and have sex until you're more sure that he could be a good match for you. How long have you been dating and how many times have you seen each other? There's really no rush, is there?
Sheri
ising101...
Pianoguy had to think about your post before responding...so his thoughts were delayed for almost 24 hours! Anyway...here's PG's question:
Do you think that settling just because you have the desire to "be done with the dating world" is a better option than 'holding on for one more day?' Are you 'tossing in the towel' because your bored? Or just afraid to be ALONE?
I think most of us (single/divorced/widowed/separated) HOPE to find the "perfect partner or companion" to share our lives with? But if I were in your position, I'd be VERY UNCOMFORTABLE "settling for someone" if I had the slightest doubt about her? Simply because...if the relationship ended up 'going sour'--I'd be constantly asking myself:
"WHY DID I JUMP WHEN I HAD DOUBTS ABOUT HER TO BEGIN WITH?"
Loneliness can be terrible. But going into any partnership and co-habitating with someone you have 'a few doubts' about...CAN BE A WHOLE LOT WORSE?!
Proceed with caution! :0
Pianoguy
Marriage and relationships are hard enough without adding the extra pressure of you having to keep it all afloat! A person that you can't converse with or that can't make you laugh is not a person that you should consider. When all the sex and attraction is gone, that's all you'll have. That and the pressures of life. Imagine not being able to really converse about a difficult situation or have a laugh after it's over? You cannot be the one to make it happen either, it has to be there. Ultimately I believe you should marry a person who is at the core, a friend. And would you really want to have a friend that you can't talk to? So why would