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| Sun, 10-31-2004 - 12:35am |
The other day we were having a pretty deep conversation about our relationship, and he brought up an issue that has been on my mind. He told me that he isn't sure if he wants any more kids because he worries about being too old. He is 39. His dad died when my bf was 19, so I think this is a worry for him. He said that he assumes I do since I'm 28 and have no kids. Which is correct--I'd like to have 1 or 2. He said that he wonders if I think I should be dating other people who may be more on the same page as me. He quickly said he wasn't pushing me away, that he really wants me to be with him, but that he wanted to put that question in the air. But then he also posed some questions that seemed to ask if I would be ready to have a family somewhat sooner rather than later.
I told him that yes, that is a non-negotiable thing with me. I do want at least 1 child. But I'm not about to leave the relationship now because of that because I am enjoying myself so much now.
For the time being, I can't imagine not being with him. We have such a great relationship. But I am quickly becoming quite attached and am falling deeply in love with him. I do have time to enjoy this relationship, but I'm afraid of becoming even more attached as time goes on and having a really difficult time if we would have to end it.
Advice on how to deal with this? What should I expect?

Sheri
Pianoguy likes your name.
If true fulfillment for you involves children...then give yourself permission to let the 39-year old "I don't wanna be a Father Again" male in your life...leave!
Suppose you succumbed to 'his choice' and didn't have the child YOU wanted. Would you be able to cancel out your dream and be happy with your partner? Or would you feel bitterness toward him after awhile?
Think about the choice.....please????
Pianoguy
He said that he wanted to try for a little boy with his ex until she decided that she didn't like being married. Also, he asked if I was having maternal desires at this point in my life. So he was sort of saying, well the possibility is there if we get going fairly soon, but if you want to wait a few more years, then it won't happen. And if you want more than 1, it won't happen. But not in so many words.
So I'm just a little confused on what I want to do. Do I wait it out a few more months? He's already arranged a trip to Cancun at the beginning of February. I don't want to stay with him just because of the vacation, but then again, I have time to date other guys after. But the whole attachment thing scares me because of the feelings I've already developed...
The only "attachment" you have is the upcoming trip. There's no exclusivity or an engagement ring. So if you want to hit the streets of Cancun in February...that's up to you.
Don't base your relationship on when and/or if you conceive a child together. This is a terrible 'excuse' to become a couple. You seem a little defensive about him...maybe this has something to do with "the feelings" you've developed for the man?
So I guess I'll keep any other opinions to myself?
Pianoguy
I'm attached in an emotional sense. I just think it would be hard to leave somebody for no other reason other than not being on the same page for having kids. And I'm trying to figure out how to prepare myself for that day if it does come. Everybody else here seems to be saying "leave now or you'll just get hurt", but our relationship isn't about conceiving a child.
Pianoguy got the impression (from your original post) that your relationship was based on whether the 2 of you came to a mutual decision to have (or not to have) a child. Perhaps he misinterpreted the words you used????
If you have no particular desire to date anybody else at the moment...what's wrong with spending a little time together in Cancun? By getting to know this man's habits, hygiene and mood swings...it'll be pretty easy to decide if you wish to keep things going after February is over.
Pianoguy (who will be 'exploring a few new places' himself beginning Wednesday).
At what point do you break off a perfectly good, happy, fun, healthy relationship when you find out that you have 2 incompatible life goals?
Enjoying myself right now is the attitude I'm TRYING to take. I just get really weepy-eyed when I think about the possibility of having to break it off with him in the future in order to start dating other guys. This is the first time that I've dated somebody where I haven't had the undercurrent of wanting to date other men, despite this discussion.
Being on the same page about having kids is HUGE, especially if you KNOW that you want them. It would be different if you hadn't said that was a non-negotiable for you.
Sheri