"Ex-Boyfriend" needs help and so do I
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| Tue, 06-13-2006 - 12:36am |
I met an amazing guy only three months ago at a party and we clicked right away. Our chemistry was through the roof! He was funny, interesting, easy to talk to, everything I could ever ask for. He was wonderful! We were together everyday after that initial introduction and eventually started to date/lable ourselves "bf/gf." Shortly after that however, he changed. His drinking habits progressed excessivly and it got the the point of when he drank, he would get angry with me and all we would do was fight. Eventually it got so bad that we broke up (about a month ago) and we didn't speak for a while. Sad to say though, is that I really care for him and I started to fall in love with him.
I know what you are probably thinking, how can someone fall in love with another person after only 2 months, I thought the same, but the thing is, is that I don't know if it is just the fact that I care about him and I'm more concerned than anything or what.
Well, putting that aside, I spoke to him on the phone this past friday, we were supposed to hang out "as friends" but we ended up getting into a fight. (We were both drunk). So we both decided we bring out the worst in each other and we should just leave it at that. I told him I loved him and I'd leave him alone and to take care of himself. That was the end of it.
Still, last night, I got a phone call from a friend of his telling me that he was passed out drunk in his friend's driveway and he (my ex) was asking for me. He wanted me to come and pick him up. I couldn't because I was working so his friend drove him to my job (a bar). I took care of him at the bar (made him sleep in the back, ect.) He was crying to me telling me he still loved me and missed me and everything. I don't know what to do.
After I got off work and took him home, I told him he needs to slow down with his drinking. He agreed. When I dropped him off, he gave me a kiss and said that he was really trying to change he just needs a lot of time cause he has a lot of stuff to work out.
What do I do? Do I continue to help him or do I let him do it on his own? I feel like if I'm always there for him he's never going to change, yet I feel like I need to help him. I'm so irratated and tired and confused.

As someone who has been sober for 12 years, I know a little something about drinking problems and recovery.
I doubt he really "changed" after you met him...rather, he was on his best behavior when you first met, and gradually his usual/regular drinking habits came out.
This problem existed before he met you and it'll continue to exist after you're gone, unless HE does something to change it.
What you're doing is called "enabling" and you're right, so long as people enable your ex's drinking, he probably won't hit bottom and start the process of changing.
Al-anon would probably be a big help to you if you're going to stick around.
Sheri