Ex GF= Depression and jealousy 4 me
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| Sat, 12-11-2004 - 6:32pm |
I need your help....anyones help! My boyfriend and i have been seeing each other for about 4 1/2 months now. I won't give you the background and all the mushy details of how we met, but i will tell you that when we did meet, he was dating someone. Her name is BETH. I speak of her in the present, because she's still around. Before he began dating me, he was with beth for about 2 years, on and off throughout high school. When they graduated she went off to the air force academy, and he stayed here and he is going to school. When we met we started off as just being friends. He used to share how he felt about her and all that stuff.They never really saw each other because of her being in the academy, so they had talked about having an open relationship, and seeing other people. He told me that their relationship was mainly just them being friends. Anyway, we began dating after a few months of knowing each other, and we fell in love. I am absolutely positive that i am in love with him, and i know that he loves me, for various reasons i know this. The most important one being i lost my virginity to him. The only thing is, we have been having some problems lately. A few weeks before Thanksgiving, i was on the phone with him, and i overheard his cell phone ring, he answered and by the things he was saying ( not bad things ) i could tell it was beth on the phone. He told her that he was on the other line with me, so he would call her back later...then as he went to say goodbye, i heard him say I love you to her. I immediately thought the worst, but kept my cool, when he returned to the phone he told me that was beth on the phone. I asked him very calmly if he and beth still said i love you to each other. He admitted that they did without ANY HESITATION. I told him that it DID bother me and that i wished he wouldn't say that. To me those are very deep, meaningful words you say to someone your are IN love with. We argued about it, and he simply told me, that nothing i said or did would make him stop saying I LOVE YOU to her. He told me that even if he had stopped saying it, it wouldn't change the fact that he felt that way for her. He assured me that the love for her was based on Friendship. That she is his BEST FRIEND. He doesn't have very many really good friends because they are all in the army, and he told me that he never saw her and rarely talked with her, so it was important for him to tell her how he felt. I left things at that because of his reassuringness.
For thanksgiving weekend beth came down to visit and told me ahead of time that he really wasn't going to be able to spend much time with me that week because beth was going to be in town. This really didn't bother me because I understood how she is always away and i agreed that it was very important that they spent the time that she was in town together. I told him that it would mean alot to me if i could meet her, and maybe this would help put an end to my jealousy raves. He agreed and so did she. So conveniently the day i was supposed to meet her it snowed 8inches and everyone in my county was snowed in. So i couldn't leave my house. I know the weather doesn't lie in his hands but i was just a little bit upset that i couldn't meet her. He told me that i could meet her when she came for christmas. I agreed and that ended the conversation.
A few weeks ago I was going through a very depressed time, and all the jealosy of beth was getting the best of me. I told him that i didn't want to be with someone who didn't care about me as much as i care about him. I loved him, but he loved beth. I told him how i didn't feel cared for, and that how he always put me last. I was basically just being selfish. But his response shocked me. Im not going to lie to you. I get terribly jealous of everything, and i have terrible habits of throwing fits, and becoming very irrational when i feel insecure. His response was " he didn't want to hurt me anymore, so if this is what i wanted then...." this made me feel more depressed and more alone. I took it as he didn't want to be with me anymore. We worked things out. and we are ok for the moment. I've just been feeling really insecure about our relationship lately. I feel like he's falling out of love with me because of my JEALOUSNESS, and he won't make love to me anymore. This is because he wants me to get on the pill, which i totally understand, but he's gone so far as to not wanting to do anything with me because he doesn't want it to lead to sex. I understand this from him, because with a previous gf, she got pregnant, and had to have an abortion. Im not sure whats wrong with me, i just want my relationship with him to work so badly. I love him so much, and i don't want my jealousy to be the cause of a breakup. Is the fact that they say i love you to each other ok? am i being to crazy? I need some advice as to be less jealous or something!!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. im so sorry to ramble on everyone, i just don't know what else to do! I love him. HELP!
Edited 12/11/2004 6:36 pm ET ET by kristina61187

Do you love him, or the idea of being with someone? Just because you lost your virginity doesn't mean it's love. This guy isn't just with you, he's got a girlfriend, and, open relationship or not, his priority is her... get it?
Of course you are jealous of this Beth girl, she has what you want. But it's the GUY who's selfish here, not you. You have every right to expect a fully supportive relationship with someone, not to be the back up.
I'm sure he does care for you, but the fact that he hasn't broken up with this other girl, means that he wants to be with her, and have you around for when she's not there. You're the stand in and doesn't look like you're going to be anything more.
I think you need to end it, I know that's probably NOT what you want to hear. But realistically you're not allowing yourself the opportunity to meet a great guy who ONLY wants YOU if you're pining over someone who doesn't.
Ask yourself, "do I want to be feeling this way in another 4 months?" And what happens when he decides he's had enough of you and breaks up with you? It'll be harder on you than if you end things. Also, what happens if she moves back, where will you be?
Look long and hard at the situation from an outsiders point of view and see what you're doing to yourself. You're stressed out and throwing fits- I highly doubt that you're thinking "oh, it's just my jealousy..." You wouldn't BE jealous if there WAS NOTHING to be jealous about.
Alison
It's very normal to be infatuated when you meet someone new. It's been long enough that reality is starting to set in and it isn't pretty at all. As much as you can say that you and he are "in love", the truth is that Beth isn't an ex-girlfriend. He's having simultaneous relationships with both of you. Beth at least consented to the idea of seeing other people when she left, but you did not and that's what's driving you crazy. He won't give up Beth, and she was there first.
He's kind of still holding onto you as a backup, but he's already distanced himself from you. I'm sure it would be his dream if you'd stop being jealous. Beth has apparently already accepted sharing him, so if you accepted that not only do you have to share, but that she comes first, then and only then can your relationship continue. If that isn't acceptable to you, then you need to break things off.
If things do end, then this can still be a learning experience. Next relationship, make sure that the guy you're interested in is actually free and able to commit to you and you alone.