Ex girlfriend that won't leave me alone

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2005
Ex girlfriend that won't leave me alone
13
Thu, 09-29-2005 - 8:15am

I've been seperated from a women for over one year that will not leave me alone. I hear from her at least twice a week, and despite my requests that she leave me alone, I still hear from her. I can assure everyone that when I break up with someone, I make a clean break an never contact that person again. I ignore their emails, phone calls, and any other contact. I don't communicate anything back to her other than "Leave me alone."

In two hours yesterday she called me eight times to tell me she had wrecked her car and ask who could fix it.

What's interesting is that the more I ignore her or tell her to go away, the harder she tries to contact me.

I've even told her that I am in a new relationship with a women that I love and she won't leave me alone.

What she wants me to tell her is what she did to cause the break up of our relationship which I am not compelled to do. I know where any conversation will lead and do not want to go there. Plus I am committed to the women I am with and do not want to violate that.

I have shared all of this with the women I am with now and she has two ideas. The first is that she calls my ex and drives home the point. I am averse to this as she shouldn't clean up my dirty work. The second suggestion that she has is that I should contact her employer as she regularly sends me emails or calls me from work.

How do I finally get the message across to this women that I do not want to talk to her and that it is her responsibilty to get over her own issue?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Thu, 09-29-2005 - 9:41am

Why are you expecting her to change?

You don't explain anything to stalkers, any form of communication, even negative, justs gives them motivation.

What you do is change your phone number, block her email addresses and get a restraining order if necessary. I don't understand why you haven't at least blocked her email addresses.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 09-29-2005 - 1:45pm

ho wlong were you dating this woman before the break up and did you give her any reason at the time why you were ending things or just said - i'm outta here. lose my number.


if it was a serious relationship and the breakup came out of the blue to her - you owe her a reason so she can move on.


however this woman obviously has serious problems - i.e.: calling you 8 times in two hours.

,
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2005
Thu, 09-29-2005 - 7:24pm

i agree with having a talk with this girl, giving her a reason why the break up occurred exactly. if this was a serious relationship or she was heavily involved emotionally, it is clear that she has not moved on really, and still needs some answers. you do owe it to her, since u both were in the relationship "together" right? i am not supporting her behavior, but i do feel she needs some solid answers. go thru the grunt, and have a patient talk with her. if she still does not get it, then it would make sense to block her number, and email, or change ur number and email. a guy overseas who left me "out of the blue" did exactly that to me. changed his number, and email. there was no way i could have gotten in touch with him to even ask him "what happened???". i suffered for a very long time, but he did get rid of me that way. he owed a huge explanation to me, and there is still a huge void of not knowing the answers, but what can i do now. nothing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Fri, 09-30-2005 - 8:09am
I agree completely with gal_adri25. We only have half of the picture here and I notice this person has also posted the same post on another set of message boards. I am not saying he is lying or anything but if he felt completely justified here, why the need to ask opinions from people on message boards? It should be just a case of stalking and he could have dealt with it himself. Instead I feel there is some measure of guilt here on his part. Men are fundamentally cowards, and like gal_adri25, I was dumped out of the blue by someone who went back to his own country, changed his cellphone number (which he never replied when he saw my number anyway) and in other words, behaved like a rat. Of course it is unbalanced to pursue someone for a year in this way, and no-one is exonerating her behaviour but it looks as if she is a fragile personality whose self-esteem was crushed by the break-up. It took me a very long time to get over what happened to me as it was so out of the blue with no explanation but as I understand most men are incapable of behaving with any integrity, it is no longer any surprise to me and the smart thing is never to get involved with such types in the first place. I think, although others might disagree, that meeting this woman in a quiet place and explaining to her over a coffee the reasons for the break up, whatever they may be, that he just made a mistake and didn't love her etc etc would be closure for her and then of course if that didn't work, more draconian measures might have to be applied.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Fri, 09-30-2005 - 1:02pm
A similar thing happened to me. A boyfriend of three years just broke up with me out of the blue. He wouldn't return my phone calls and then he moved (so all new numbers). For a week or so, I was just calling him as his girlfriend (as he hadn't told me otherwise). Then week two, I was wondering what was wrong and (still thinking I'm his girlfriend) I called him about three times and left messages that I am wondering what was wrong. Now call me dense if you will, but after spending three years with this bloke, I didn't think in worst case scenario terms). I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. Then, at my friends' advice, I stopped calling him. Two weeks after that, I e-mailed him asking him for my stuff back. After he moved, he told everybody we knew that I "stalked him". He said he "broke up with me" and I didn't get the message and continued to call and e-mail him weeks after our "break-up". Now this is a pattern with him, because when I first met him, he told me his ex was stalking him. Hmmmm... perhaps she was under the impression they were still dating and merely in the midst of a fight? Perhaps. Now if OP was clear on breaking up with her then she has no reason to keep contacting him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Fri, 09-30-2005 - 5:21pm
Men are such revolting cowards:(
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Fri, 09-30-2005 - 9:37pm

Just because one man acts a certain way, it does not mean we should condemn all men... Just something to think about...




Edited 10/1/2005 1:14 am ET ET by cl-bklynchik
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Sun, 10-02-2005 - 12:24am

I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt, unlike some on this thread, that you did, in fact say to her, "this isn't working out for me, I'm not interested in further pursuing a relationship with you" or something to that degree, right? You didn't just up and stop calling her and never talk to her again, right? So assuming that you did break it off, then really you don't *owe* her anything further, you don't need to spell it out to her as to why it wasn't working for you, because, especially so long after the fact, I can just see her arguing the points and reasons you did end it. I think it's our right to say, "this isn't working for me" and end it. Why go into long drawn out things if it's not going to work, and you know it's not *fixable*, ie. dealbreakers. I'd rather have someone break up with me than to lead me on further.

I think you should write her an email, CC it to your lawyer and say, "Look, we broke up a year ago, and I would appreciate that you stop contacting me. I have nothing further to say to you, but if you continue, then I will be forced to file for a restraining order".

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Sun, 10-02-2005 - 9:29am

I would go one step further and have the *lawyer* be the one who writes the letter. I don't think that he should any more contact with her directly of any kind. Regardless of whether he broke up with her in an appropriate manner or not.

Even if he was a jerk about the way he ended it, it's been a year, and clearly they are no longer together.

But, in response to the OP about his thousands of numbers -- I take it you are talking about how many numbers you have in your address book? I still think it is worth it to get a new number. What you can do is get a new number, but keep the old for awhile as you transfer the numbers over to your new phone. If you commit to transferring 35 numbers a day, you'd be done in less than a month.

You can email people that you want to notify about your new number and call those people for whom you don't have an email address. If you'd feel weird about calling some of those people to let them know your number has changed (e.g. people you've met at the park once), then you're not really losing anything, even if they lose the ability to call you. And what you gain is so much more important, imo.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Sun, 10-02-2005 - 12:59pm

<< What she wants me to tell her is what she did to cause the break up of our relationship which I am not compelled to do. I know where any conversation will lead and do not want to go there. >>

Forget all this lawyer and restraining order talk. Ridiculous. Why not not give the woman the answers she's looking for and be done with it. If she's STILL looking for answers after a year (sad yes), why not just "go there" ... give her the answers and ask her "are you satisfied enough with this to not contact me anymore?" ... then, wish her well and hopefully she'll be satisfied enough with it to move on. The mature approach to ending a relationship is clean and direct. Perhaps it wasn't handled that way a year ago? Was she left hanging? Though it's sad that she's still hanging on, why not just offer it to her straight?

<< Plus I am committed to the women I am with and do not want to violate that.>>

If you've been sharing all of this with your GF (which is good, btw), then what's the violation?

As for your GF's two ideas ... neither one is good. You don't want to involve your GF or have her do your "dirty work" nor is it a good idea to involve her employer as this has nothing to do with her work. People make personal calls/emails from work all the time, so that idea is just plain silly.

<< How do I finally get the message across to this women that I do not want to talk to her and that it is her responsibilty to get over her own issue?>>

By talking to her, giving it to her straight. Most people just want honest answers. I mean, if you can put all this to an end with a 10 minute, clean, clear, direct conversation ... why not do that?

And yes, remind her that it is HER responsiblity to move on ... but, hopefully, with the answers she'd be armed with the information she feels she needs to "get over it."

Good luck.

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