Ex shows signs of jealousy

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Ex shows signs of jealousy
5
Sun, 09-04-2005 - 9:47pm

For the last 6 months I've been feeling really good about my life, where I am at, and about being single. About a year and a half ago I had my heart crushed into pieces, it took me a year to get over it but I did. My ex is still dear to me and I see him as a friend. Or maybe more than a friend because I feel we have a special connection even though I now realise we were not right for each other.

Anyway, on Friday night I went to a club where my ex was too. Unexpectedly this guy that I've been fooling around with turned up (I didn't invite him to come on purpose but he did anyway). There's nothing serious going on with him. We haven't had s*x or anything. Kissed a few times but there is this mutual understanding between us that we will not take it any further. He was, as usual, quite flirtatious with me. I didn't invite any of that but I didn't push it away either.

The next day my ex calls me up upset, saying things like: what are you doing with that sleaze-ball? The only thing he wants is to get into your pants... I don't need this kind of energy at the moment and someone playing power-games with me. At least I was never that sleazy. I hope you know what you're doing and I hope it's working for you.

Now this is a guy that I loved more than anyone, saw myself growing old with... who didn't love me to the same extent, who broke up with me because he wanted to be single. Who had a number of one-night stands since. Who flirted with every woman possible right in front of my eyes. Whom I begged and pleaded to reconsider. Who played power-games with me for a very long time. Who made it clear he was happy to be single and didn't want me back.

So what's going on?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sun, 09-04-2005 - 11:49pm

You know the old saying that you always want what you can't have? I think that is what's going on here... he realizes he no longer has you and his territorial instinct is kicking in. But I bet if he did have you, the same old would happen where he would want to be single.


You know this is your life to live and you know you owe him nothing. Live your life and enjoy it. He lost his chance with a great woman... don't forget that.


Hope this helps.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Mon, 09-05-2005 - 4:36pm

I agree that he's just being that way because he sees that you're not pawning over him anymore and that upsets him.

I think that you should stop trying to be nice to him and just keep him out of your life. If he calls you again talking like that, tell him your personal life is not his business and hang up the phone. He's just going to push until you're apologizing to him for your behaviour and fawning over him again.

So quit worrying so much about your ex, he didn't want you in the past, he's not going to want you in the future. Find someone who appreciates you.

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Mon, 09-05-2005 - 6:04pm

Thanks for your feedback. Very much appreciated.

I'm not worried about my ex though. I find the whole situation interesting and amusing. It's great when you reach the stage where you can just laugh about it. As I said I see him as a friend now, he IS dear to me, I want him to be happy, I feel I know him (still), I feel I can be honest with him... so I have no intentions of cutting all ties and forgeting about him. We did have a period of no contact and that helped me get over the relationship. There is definitely no going back on that one and I feel safe.

It does make me wonder though whether he is having second thoughts... because I am not pawning over him anymore... or because of something else... or many factors combined... While we were going out together he used to drink a lot and flirt with women a lot. He hasn't been drinking for the last year (at all) and one thing he said to me recently was 'not drinking makes you more attractive to women, but less attracted to women'. I wonder if he's realised that he lost something meaningful. Of course, as anyone else that would make me feel good, even though it's too late for going back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Mon, 09-05-2005 - 10:43pm

Of course it's good to know your ex is jealous that you're over him, who doesn't want that? I think it's good though that you're not taking it as a sign that he might want to get back together, cause you know that's less likely the case. It's good that you consider him a friend, but maybe back off a little on the more *intimate* details so that you have more of a boundary in place when you talk. I talk to my ex a lot (we have a son together) and we can actually have a good conversation most of the time, but I keep some things more guarded about my life than others- like my current bf. Sure, he asks questions, and I just tell him that things are well and that's about it, and then I change the subject.

Good to hear he's stopped drinking, that's always a good thing.

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Tue, 09-06-2005 - 10:36pm

Sounds like he's jealous, hurt, stung and very immature. Try to ignore him - he feels it's alright for him not to want to be with you and to move on but not alright for you to do the same.


This is one relationship you're better off not in! Remember his cruelty if he tries to reconcile, which might be his next move. You're not wanting him is just the thing to whet his appetite for the chase.

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