The (ex) situation..he is moving away:(

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
The (ex) situation..he is moving away:(
5
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 11:03am

Hey Everyone, I hope you all are enjoying the Holiday season.

I am here for some consolation and advice. Some of you know what happened with my (ex) boyfriend of just this past summer. We were together for over a year, we broke up in June, got back together for a month, only to break up again, and we have been broken up since the beginning of August, so almost 5 months.

Well, in the beginning when we started talking to each other again (after a month of not speaking), he was very hesitant towards me, he did not want to see me and we had a lot of arguments about our relationship. He did not want to kiss me on the lips because of what happened on my birthday night. Him and I were broken up, I kissed another man, and he witnessed it (not my intention, I had no idea my ex was standing only some 10 feet away).

Well since then, my (ex) bf and I have been talking things through, on the phone for hours, long emails, late night texts etc and basically told each other flat out what went so wrong in our relationship. We have been more open than ever before and have put everything out there. We both admitted fault to everything that happened and we both realize how things escalated ended up coming to blows.

Lately, we have been spending a lot of time together, this past weekend I went over to his to watch movies and hang out and I spent the night at his. Yes, we are intimate, but before you all say it, we are not “FWB”, we are far closer than that. The weekend before that he sent me a text at lunch time saying “come over, come have lunch with me” and I ended up spending the whole day with him (which was rare even when we were together because he was so busy with his studies) and leaving his place around 11 at night. We also visited his sister to take some meds to her as she was having a bad cold and I hadn't seen her since May. I believe she does not even know we ever broke up. This past Saturday when I went over, my phone rang and although I did not want to pick up, I had to because it was a friend of mine (a male) who was seeing if I was heading out to the city that night. My (ex) bf said “Pick up….who is it anyway?” and this is behavior I never saw from him when we were together, he used to trust me 101%.

He tells me that we cannot be “officially” (I suppose we are unofficially together at the moment) together because he does not trust me 100% after he saw what he saw, he thinks “I have it in me to cheat”, which isn’t true. I don’t regret what happened that night, so there are no guilt trips for me. However, I do understand that he lacks trust for me, not that I would ever cheat on him, but I think I would be very hurt too if I saw him kissing another woman so shortly after a break up and would have a hard time trusting him.

I am feeling a little sad now because he is moving to the city next week. He has been looking for his own apartment for 6 months now and finally found one that he likes. He currently lives with his uncle about 30 minutes from my house, so it has been an easy access to jump in my car and go see him and hang out. Now that he is moving to the city, however, I feel like things will change as it is an hour’s train ride away, plus 15 minutes on the subway. I know it is not THAT far away, but I feel sad, maybe because he is opening a new chapter in his life and will be leading a different life once he lives in the city. I am happy for him because I know it’s what he wants, and he explained this to me last weekend that he needs to move away from his uncle’s house, he has been there for too long and needs his own space, for no other reason. He keeps on saying that I am being silly because I should be happy for him because it will be easier for him since he works in the city and not sad because he will be, according to my own words “far away”. Him and I are very close now, almost best friends and maybe I am scared of “losing him”.He does not think it will make any difference whether he lives there or here, but why do I feel this way? Thanks everyone.

Avatar for mdee68
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 11:29am

Yes, I remember you and your story. I remember I told you not to waste anymore time with this ex because he'll never want to get back with you but will only see you as a FWB type of thing. You on the other hand did not nor do you see this because he's treating you nicely in your opinion but that's how it is, like it or not.

As I see, nothing has changed between you and this guy since August so you have two options:

a) go on with your life and realize that your relationship will never be what you want it to be. Realize that we as people are meant to evolve and no one on this earth is meant to be with us forever.

or choice

b)Keep accepting the friendship on his terms. Grow old hanging on his every word, waiting for him to make up his mind and keep having sex with him. Give him exactly what he wants while you get nothing in return.

If I were you, I'd choose choice (a). I'm a stranger who does not know you or him but I've seen the situation countless of times. My friend's mother was exactly like the way you describe yourself from what she told me. My friend's father led her on for many, many, years. Impregnatated her then left her old and bitter. She never married, waiting on my friend's father whom of course married someone else. This is indeed a true story. You asked for advice, I'm giving it to you straight. I'm not sugarcoating anything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 11:39am
You may be right...but please know, it is always me who wants to be intimate, not him. Also, he knows I am going to travel Europe with a frien of mine for 5 weeks this summer and I am going to go away for training in Chicago for 4 months starting in July, so I think he isn't feeling comfortable being in a relationship with me due to me going away for basically the whole summer. I am not expecting anything, him and I are good friends, and I am keeping my options open at all times. When I go out, I have given my number to guys I am interested in, so it isn't like my life doesn't go on.
Avatar for mdee68
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 12:00pm

<>

I'm not trying to sound like an arse when I say this and it's not that I don't believe you but you're honestly not being honest with yourself. You've been on the boards talking about nothing but this ex of yours and everyone everytime has give you the same advice that I have, move on. You obviously DO want more from your ex, otherwise you would not be writing about him all the time. Sometimes I've replied to you and sometimes I've just ignored it but please be honest with people here when you're writing for advice. You do still love him and he knows it.

I don't doubt that it's you who initiates the intimacy either. He's a man, of course he's going to take whatever you put out for him. Men are men, exes are exes. It's not a good thing for you to be intimate with him but you're going to do whatever you want. I don't know how old you are but you sound very young and somewhat very naive also. I'm not trying to down you because I see some of you in myself but I wisened up. You need to also. Okay, you're giving guys your number. What you ought to be doing is focusing on YOU and forgetting about hooking up with guys for a while.
JMHO
*done*

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 12:11pm

It may not be FWB, but it's not a committed relationship, either. You are settling for less than what you want, in the hopes that he will want to be "officially" together.

I'm sorry you're unhappy but until you decide to cut it off once and for all, or be content with what he's offering, you're going to continue to be unhappy.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 1:06pm
It sounds to me like this guy is stringing you along. He wants an "unofficial relationship" on his terms, while you're looking for the real deal. He's using the "cheating" card as an excuse to keep you at bay, while he "finds himself" in the city. You didn't cheat on him. You were broken up with him when you kissed the other guy, so you didn't owe him anything. Secondly, you are not "officially together" now. So you have every right to recieve an phone call and invite from another guy. So "it" is not still in you, because "it" never was in you. Don't fall for this bloke's excuses and accept second best on his terms. You can do better than him.

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