exclusive relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2004
exclusive relationship
6
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 2:25pm
I have been dating this guy for almost four months. We are both reserved and quiet people. He's more quiet than me. Also we are both a little shy in expressing our feelings towards one another. We have told each other that we "like" each other. I initiated this. I think he is new to relationships so he has a harder time expressing his feelings. I haven't been in a relationship in more than seven years so this is sort of new to me also.

We see each other once or twice a week. So far we have a very pleasant dating relationship. We end our dates with pleasant words and a nice kiss. We however don't talk on the phone alot except when he asks me out on dates. We both do the same amount of calling. I don't know if he is seeing anyone else. I have never brought up this subject. However, I am wondering if I should bring it up. I don't want to assume that we are exclusive and it is starting to bug me not knowing because my feelings for him are growing stronger. How can I casually bring up exclusive dating and not scare him? Is it usually the girl who brings up this question? I want to know what he thinks and how he feels but at the same time I don't want pressure him if he is not ready. Thanks in advance for your thoughts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 2:50pm
faithhopelove86...

The only way to know how a man feels about anything is to ASK! This doesn't mean you'll get an honest answer...or even an answer! And frankly, Pianoguy thinks you're trying to rush things!

With only 4 months 'under your belt'---and the fact that the 2 of you are having a great time together (without establishing formal exclusivity), are you willing to risk a rejection? Why do you need to have EXCLUSIVITY this early in the game?

Maybe after a year together? Then you can ask the question. Do you have family or friends "advising you" to get him to commit? If you do...tell them all to BACK OFF!

Timing is everything in any relationship. AND...it takes a man a lot longer to realize that YOU'RE THE PERFECT GIRL! Sooooo......S-L-O-W-D-O-W-N!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2004
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 3:26pm
Thank you for your response. I am not asking him to commit to me in marriage. We are moving really slow already. I am comfortable with this slow pace. I am still getting to know him and I do enjoy the times we both spend together. At this point, I just want to see where our relationship is heading and make sure that we are both on the same page. I don't want any misunderstandings between the both of us. I am not dating anyone else right now except him but if he doesn't want an exclusive relationship with me and want to date other women then I should date other men too. My feelings for this guy is growing as we spend more time together and as I get to know him better. I don't want to invest too much and get hurt later down the road because of misunderstandings and assumptions.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 4:05pm
faithhopelove86...

Pianoguy still thinks you're trying to rush the process. Granted...you're afraid of being hurt, but THAT'S THE RISK YOU FACE IN ANY RELATIONSHIP!

If you want to spend your free time with this man and only this man...GREAT!

But remember that NOBODY is pointing cupid's arrow at your body and insisting that you do so. You are trying to get your b/f to think about the relationship the same way you do and (I'm sorry) but MEN DON'T DO THIS! In spite of the fact that the 2 of you are 'communicating and coupling' at a similar pace...it'll take much for your b/f to make up his mind.

So I guess your choice boils down to whether you have the patience enough to wait...or if you want to RISK everything you have now by pushing for "exclusivity!"

To quote singer/actress Reba McIntyre: "IT'S YOUR CALL!"

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2004
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 4:49pm
Thank you for your response.

"But remember that NOBODY is pointing cupid's arrow at your body and insisting that you do so. You are trying to get your b/f to think about the relationship the same way you do and (I'm sorry) but MEN DON'T DO THIS! In spite of the fact that the 2 of you are 'communicating and coupling' at a similar pace...it'll take much for your b/f to make up his mind."

I may have the definition of exclusive relationship wrong. How do you define "exclusive"? Please explain how men think about relationships. I can't consider him my 'boyfriend' if he is not in an exclusive relationship. I may be looking at this all wrong.

"So I guess your choice boils down to whether you have the patience enough to wait...or if you want to RISK everything you have now by pushing for "exclusivity!"

Does this statement mean that it should be the guy who brings up 'exclusivity'? I should wait for him to bring this subject up?

Thanks again.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 5:10pm
I wouldn't focus so much on the exclusivity issue as whether the two of you are on the same page with what you are looking for in a relationship or not. Do you both want the same thing, or is he looking for companionship with no commitment (for example), while you want a serious LTR with the potential for marriage?

IF you are able to establish that you are on the same page with what you want, then you could broach the topic of exclusivity. You could say something like, "I'd prefer that we just focus on dating each other and seeing where that leads" and see what he says.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2004
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 5:37pm
Thanks for your response and thoughts. Your comments help clarify what I should be focusing on; making sure we are on the same page and not on exclusivity. It makes a lot of sense and at least we will be communicating instead of guessing where he is in this relationship.

Thanks again.

Edited 9/24/2004 5:41 pm ET ET by faithhopelove86


Edited 9/24/2004 5:43 pm ET ET by faithhopelove86