Exclusivity Conversation Disaster

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Exclusivity Conversation Disaster
11
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 10:22am

Exclusivity is a hot topic on this board. So it seemed appropriate to present my current situation to you and get some feedback.

I've been dating a great guy for a month now. He is someone from my past (we "dated" for a brief period in high school). I reconnected with him via myspace after meeting a mutual friend of ours for drinks one night. Our conversations are always lively and stimulating. He's intelligent and sexy. He makes me laugh. The last few weeks with him have been amazing. This is the guy who I was surprised to miss a couple weeks back for those who might remember.

Last night things reached an expected awkwardness when in passing I said that to me there is a vast difference between dating and being in a relationship with someone. I went on to say that for me to be in an exclusive relationship, I would never assume anything and wait until I'd had a conversation with someone before referring to him as a boyfriend or officially taking myself off the market, so to speak. I said that I wanted to be sure about someone before I jumped into focusing all of my attention on him. Some of these are points that I brought up the very first time we met for coffee a month ago. His reaction when I first expressed my feelings about it was very positive. He said that my approach sounded very mature and healthy. Last night when we had the more in-depth conversation, he became very upset.

When I realized how upset he was getting, I went on to reveal that I really liked him and that I felt that we were very close to becoming official but since we hadn't talked about it yet I wasn't assuming and just enjoying his company. He was apparently offended that I felt a conversation was needed, and that I must have misread his intentions because I should have automatically known that he already considered us to be in a relationship, and not just dating anymore.

The night ended with him leaving abruptly and telling me that he wanted to think. I fell into a very uneasy sleep.

What happened here?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 10:58am

hollypicklefox...

One sentence from PG:

"No couple should have to become OFFICIAL after only a month's worth of dating!"

I admit there are exceptions to everything. But when you re-establish a friendship, it's sometimes better to take things S-L-O-W-L-Y "the second time around?"

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 11:07am

PG,

First, I always enjoy reading your responses and am delighted to have written a post that warrants one.

One month is the earliest I would want to cross the line from dating into an exclusive relationship and then it would have to be exceptional. I would call this particular connection exceptional. That said, I felt the conversation coming soon, but I was going to give it a couple more weeks before bringing it up myself.

That said, the issue of confusion for me is not whether or not we should be official, but how strongly he reacted to my position. I was honestly surprised. I know this sounds like a horrible stereotype, but I've never heard of a guy getting upset about the status of a relationship. I thought that was something more women did.

Being a guy, pianoguy, any insight on my gender assumption?

HPF

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 12:21pm

Wow, he's kind of sensitive, isn't he? Does he get insulted easily?

I don't see what you did "wrong". If he cares so much, he should have been flattered that you wanted to talk about it.

If I bring this subject up, I don't usually state what I want and where I see things. I usually ask the guy where he sees us right now. This way, if he says, "well, I'm with you and only you and you are with me and only me." Then I get to say, "good because that is how I see things too." If it doesn't work out that he sees us as an "us" then I get to say, "oh, I didn't realize you were seeing other people. I prefer to keep things monogamous, even if the relationship is not serious or anything like that. You know, for health reasons." And then it would be a smoother parting of the ways.

But even if you would have handled it the way I normally do, it seems like this guy would have been upset just by you even asking him where he was at. So it seems, in this particular situation, you weren't going to win.

Did you hear from him since that conversation?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 12:49pm

I was actually very surprised by his reaction. I've never known him to be openly sensitive. The key word there, "openly." He may very well be the type who's pretty delicate on the inside but hides it beneath a sharp, witty, sarcastic exterior. I am one of these people.

Considering that my "offense" was requiring a discussion before defining a relationship, and not how I was defining it per se, then it doesn't seem like I could win.

I've never encountered a guy who reacted this way. though. I'm genuinely confused.

It appears that he's going to talk to me though, and I wasn't very sure about that after the way he left my place last night. He sent me a note asking if I was pissed at him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 12:58pm
then I'd reply saying no,not mad but that you were rather surprised by his strong reaction to the conversation. Ask him to tell you how he feels and sees things. Open and honest discussion goes a long ways.

Toni

Avatar for k3of3
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 1:31pm

Instead of emailing a reply, why don't you call him instead? I am going to approach this from a slightly different perspective than the others.

Based on your original post, it seemed to me that you were discussing the concept of exclusivity in the third person or as though you did not really "own" it... in other words, it was a concept that was "out there" but not something that was in your stream of consciousness or really applicable to your current dating situation. As I read the post and your description of the conversation, my first thought was that the guy was feeling really defensive. Not because he was "ultra-sensitive," but more likely because he really liked you, thought things were going very well, and perceived your discussion to be so distant. I'm totally guessing here, but I'll bet he interpreted your comments as not including him and as meaning that things were not progressing like he thought they were. I think the guy was just hurt, and reacted defensively rather than talking it through. Honestly, I can totally understand it.

I'd bet a dollar that if you had discussed the exclusivity v. dating concept in terms of the two of you, rather than the abstract, his reaction would have been markedly different.

Skip the email. Pick up the phone and talk it out. Email leaves SO much room for misinterpretation.

:) K3

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 2:42pm
The trouble is that I've tried to ask him how he feels and he'll tell me that it doesn't matter. I don't know. My ability to talk to him right now is limited. I may ask him out tonight so we can talk it out in person.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 2:47pm
Calling him or talking to him in person seems to be the best bet to clear this up. I am not real sure what he wants though because last night I tried to communicate to him that I really cared about him. So if his concern is that I don't care about him, then it's a simple misunderstanding that should have been cleared up last night. Since that does not appear to be helping, I am wondering if maybe there is more that I am not guessing. He hasn't been very clear about what he's feeling yet.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 4:17pm

hollypicklefox...

PG is inclined to agree with tonitoons....but he's also big on "TALKING THINGS OUT!"

If the 2 of you can 'clear the air between you' and be honest with your expectations toward each other...the FWB issue will be "a piece of cake" to solve!

Best wishes, warm thoughts and GOOD LUCK tonight!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 4:32pm
The good news is that he sent you a note asking if you were pissed. this means that he has admitted, at least to himself, that his behavior was inappropriate. He misread you...it seems to be going around quite a bit these days. But, it seems that if you just call him and state that you want to see him to make sure everything is squared away he'll come around just fine.

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