Exclusivity Conversation Disaster
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| Thu, 06-07-2007 - 10:22am |
Exclusivity is a hot topic on this board. So it seemed appropriate to present my current situation to you and get some feedback.
I've been dating a great guy for a month now. He is someone from my past (we "dated" for a brief period in high school). I reconnected with him via myspace after meeting a mutual friend of ours for drinks one night. Our conversations are always lively and stimulating. He's intelligent and sexy. He makes me laugh. The last few weeks with him have been amazing. This is the guy who I was surprised to miss a couple weeks back for those who might remember.
Last night things reached an expected awkwardness when in passing I said that to me there is a vast difference between dating and being in a relationship with someone. I went on to say that for me to be in an exclusive relationship, I would never assume anything and wait until I'd had a conversation with someone before referring to him as a boyfriend or officially taking myself off the market, so to speak. I said that I wanted to be sure about someone before I jumped into focusing all of my attention on him. Some of these are points that I brought up the very first time we met for coffee a month ago. His reaction when I first expressed my feelings about it was very positive. He said that my approach sounded very mature and healthy. Last night when we had the more in-depth conversation, he became very upset.
When I realized how upset he was getting, I went on to reveal that I really liked him and that I felt that we were very close to becoming official but since we hadn't talked about it yet I wasn't assuming and just enjoying his company. He was apparently offended that I felt a conversation was needed, and that I must have misread his intentions because I should have automatically known that he already considered us to be in a relationship, and not just dating anymore.
The night ended with him leaving abruptly and telling me that he wanted to think. I fell into a very uneasy sleep.
What happened here?

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Playing devil's advocate, I'd say the statement above might be interpreted as "I'm not focusing all my attention on just YOU because I'm not sure yet of your character or integrity. Therefore, I'm keeping my options open for something better.
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It could be that he took this to mean that you aren't really seriously focusing your attentions on him but just 'hanging out' enjoying the company 'for now'.
Open, honest communication should clear this up.
As for how he feels and he says "it doesn't matter" - I don't even know what that means. Of COURSE it matters! Does he really not care? Or is he playing the martyr? If it's the latter, I'd run like the wind.
If he refuses to discuss this, then you have an idea of how he communicates (or doesn't!).
If it were me, I'd also stress the importance of communication. If he needs time to think or cool off, he could TELL me that before 'storming out' and leaving me in the dust and the dark. That a time out is perfectly acceptable, so long as I know about when to expect a time in.
Best of luck to you. Let us know how it goes!
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