Explain this behavior please!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Explain this behavior please!
10
Sun, 03-07-2004 - 5:10pm
Been casually dating this guy for a few weeks now and thus far he's been reliable, being on time, etc. (No, he's not the no question guy... :)) So last weekend we saw each other on Saturday evening and wound up making plans for Sunday for brunch/lunch. Well he never called. At first I was annoyed but then got worried since it was deviant from his usual behavior so I called him to make sure all was ok. He tells me he woke up late and didn't think of calling me... And apologized though it sounded like an off-handed apology though that could just be my interpretation.

So he asked me out again for this weekend and I told him I was busy but I might go out on Sunday and he said he was interested in going as well. He then told me to give him a call mid-week to fill him in on how my week was going.

I didn't call. Part of it is because I'm still annoyed by his behavior last weekend. Am I being too tough on him? Insight would be helpful... thanks!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sun, 03-07-2004 - 5:56pm
Too *hard* on him??? I don't think that's the right term. You were annoyed that he stood you up, and I don't blame you for that. It's not very nice (or believable) for this guy to just "forget" he made a date with you. The only way to explain his behavior is to say that he just didn't think it was important enough to keep his commitment to you, which sounds a bit like he is losing interest (sorry)

So no, I don't think you should have called him. But I also do not think you should have told him you would call. It would have been better just to say: "I might give you a ring, if I have time." Or something like that. That way, you wouldn't be stooping to his level of playing the "I forgot to call you" game.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-07-2004 - 6:26pm
Too tough - no. A little rude - yes.

Not that it matters much as it seems that both of you lack genuine interest in each other to put forward a solid effort. I wouldn't expect another call from him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2004
Sun, 03-07-2004 - 6:47pm
After the first time you were supposed to go out, you should have waited for him to call you after he stood u up. Then when he calls you, act like you didn't think twice about it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-07-2004 - 7:38pm
No. You were under no obligation to call him when he stood you up. Yes, he was rude when he did do that.

If & when he calls you back you were within every right to let him know that your time is valuable to you and that you do not appreciate being stood up. Then you could have talked more to see if there was enough mutual interest to have another date.

Please remember that two wrongs do not make a right.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-07-2004 - 7:38pm
Part of me is tempted to tell you to give him one more chance but most of me is with you - how rude - even if you misinterpreted the definiteness of the brunch invitation, at least once he realized the miscommunication he should have apologized for the miscommunication.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 7:18am
Thanks for your advice. I honestly don't remember if I was non-commital about the phone call like "I'll try..." or if I said I would call. I believe it was more towards the non-commital side of things I believe.

The odd thing was that even though he stood me up, he was hot and heavy to find time to hang out again this past weekend. What confuses me is that if he were losing interest, why bother trying to get another date set?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 7:20am
The *only* reason I called him when I didn't hear from him was out of concern. Since he had never displayed anything but consistent behavior, always being on time, etc. I was worried that something might have happened. Had it been a different guy, I probably wouldn't have called since he had said he would call.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 7:26am
Part of me was also tempted to give him a chance but as the week went on, it seemed he dropped on my priority list--maybe a subconscious way of dealing with it.

He did apologize but it was so off-handed. When I asked if he was ok, what happened? He answered "oh most of those who know me know that sometimes on the weekend I just sleep until my body was ready to wake up... And I don't wake up without an alarm." See to me that's all fine and dandy but if that's the case, then don't make a date with me during the day on a weekend. And don't tell me you're going to call me at 11am so we can get together a little while later for brunch.

I worry about being too harsh but at the same time, I can't seem to get over the thought that I wouldn't treat an aquantaince this way, let alone someone I wanted to date. But my question is--am I being too rigid with that? One of my girlfriends said that we don't really owe each other anything at this point...

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 11:39am
And he SHOULD be acting hot and heavy to try and see you, after standing you up! He should realize that that is a major no-no. It would have been different if he had at least called to say "I won't be able to make it." But he "forgot" your date because he didn't wake up in time? That is so lame.

Personally, I wouldn't bother spending any more time or energy thinking about this guy. You've both been a little rude to each other now.

But if you still want to date him, let him show you that he is interested. If he is, he will call you and make a special effort to make another date. And he will not only KEEP the date, he will be ON TIME. You don't need to do anything else.. no phone calls, no emails. Just sit back and accept his offer... but only if you want to and think it's worth it. Otherwise, there are so many other guys out there who WON'T stand you up.

And your girlfriend is only partially right... you two aren't obligated to each other, in the sense that it's too soon for longterm commitments. But anyone who makes any kind of commitment is responsible for fulfilling the commitment... whether it's meeting your girlfriend for lunch or returning a phone call. It's just good manners and decent behavior.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 1:10pm
Hi,

Hello, has he heard of an alarm clock. His behaviour shows lack of respect for you. Don't accept that. You are important and so is your time. The first month of dating is supposed to be a honeymoon phase. Men are supposed to be on their hand and knees serving you, so to speak. If he is lousy now, he will only get worse as time goes on. You did the right thing. You gave him the taste of his own medicine. Delete his number and move on!!

Good Luck!!