Fair enough or Red flag?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2005
Fair enough or Red flag?
9
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 4:24pm

I had posted below about this guy...
Thank you for your inputs on that.
I am very confused about something he said. I needed some feedback on whether he is logical in his thinking or are his thoughts absurd. I am unable to think straight.
He had always mentioned how he cannot "handle expectations" in a relationship, and the responsibilities that come with it. (He has never been in a relationship).
He said....that he is what he is....and if I am expecting something, which he can't fulfill then I just have to understand that he is what he is. He said that if we are together, he will do something only when he feels like it, and not because I am expecting it. (I guess, that justifies why he can't handle expectations, because he doesn't like that "pressure"). Long time ago....he had given me an example that had stayed with me. He said.....(a very specific example)..that for eg. he wants to call (we live long distance) when he feels like it, and if he is under PRESSURE that he HAS to call, becoz someone is waiting for his call, then he does not like that pressure. He also does not like the pressure when I ASK him for a kiss. He said he will give me a kiss when he feels like it. Then he asked me "would you rather it comes from my heart or would you rather it comes from me, just to make you happy because you wanna hear it?"

So.....are his thoughts "normal"?
I am playing devil's advocate here to understand him.
Don't we all do things WE LIKE in a relationship?
We ALL wanna be what we are. We dont wanna do things out of pressure. BUT, on the other hand, a relationship is not JUST ABOUT US, it's also about the OTHER person and what makes then happy. So compromise is essential...and we sometimes have to DO things we dont like, in a relationship, to make the other person happy. That pressure is normal right?

So......are his thoughts normal?
That he is what he is, and he doesn't wanna do things under pressure....and wants to do things ONLY when he feels like it...and when it comes genuinely from within him. Is that fair enough? Or is that a red flag?

Please Help....

Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 5:00pm

I'm not sure about this one. It almost sounds like he's not willing to "give" any more than he absolutely has to.

For example, in my relationship I'll give my bf a kiss simply if he asks for it. I mean, it's a kiss...why WOULDN'T I want to kiss him? Is he saying he might actually be ok with giving you a kiss, but simply because you ASK for one, he feels "pressured"?

Everyone has expectations in a relationship. As long as their reasonable, discussed and agreed upon, I don't see what the problem is. If he can't handle them simply because they exist, that's a red flag, IMO.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 5:11pm

How does he know he doesn't like expectations in a relationship if he's never been in a relationship??


He sounds a bit selfish and "me, me, me".

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 5:28pm

Sure..."normal" for someone who doesn't like to take responsibility! A relationship has benefits and responsibilities/obligations. If he doesn't want the latter, then IMO he shouldn't be in a relationship.

It sounds to me like a very immature approach to relationships, but then, I know men in their 40s and 50s who are the same way ;-).

But I would disagree that anyone "has" to do things they don't want to do, just to please the other person. You want to do them (even if you don't really like doing whatever the things are) BECAUSE they please the other person, IMO.

Sheri




Edited 5/31/2006 5:29 pm ET by northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 7:34pm

Honey, that is called being selfish and self-centered.

Run from this guy. He isn't going to share life with you, he is only going to give you what he wants and won't give a damn about you. He'll take and expect you to give when he wants. He is not worthy of your friendship.

He has been truthful and you have to give him credit for that. Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 4:14am
My ex-husband would say the exact same words to me. After awhile, it just seemed that he had no interest in anything I wanted. I almost felt he was afraid to hear what I liked, like that would mean he'd have to do it or something. He was jealous and envious of everyone. He was also one of the most selfish, abusive, and evil men I've ever had the misfortune of being closely associated with. Maybe I'm a bit prejudiced, but this guy sounds like bad news to me. My advice is that you read the book "Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples" by Harville Hendrix. In my opinion that book not only shows you why you want to avoid certain people but also provides the strength to do so happily and cheerfully. Best Wishes!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 11:58am

I agree with the others who say that this guy sounds selfish and that this is definitely a red flag. I want to add a few general thoughts about responsibility and "pressure" and power.

While it is normal not to want to feel pressured, and it is understandable that some of us in some relationships may come to resent anything that resembles pressure, a person who feels pressured by the normal expectations of a relationship is obviously not ready for a relationship.

Does this guy have a record of getting in trouble at school and/or switching jobs often because of personality conflicts? People who have difficulty doing what other people tell/ask them often suffer from an "oppositional behavior" disorder. Dealing with such people in the work environment is a huge problem. Being in a relationship with one must be real hell.

"Being honest" about ones limitations is all very well, but a lot of times when people are "honest" at the outset of a relationship about what they "can't" do, it is a passive aggressive way of putting the burden on the other person.

What he is saying is that he is not willing to give you anything, that he does not take pleasure in giving you what you want, that if you are in a relationship with him, only his wants, needs and desires will matter. That's not a relationship.

Get out of it. There are many better catches out there.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2005
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 3:06pm

I Agree with most of the posts: this is a huger, and I need to stress this, HUGE red flag.

It's interesting that (in my experience, I am only talking about certain men I have dated) men tend to articulate these feeling in the same fashion (I hate the pressure, expectations, etc). A man I dated for 6 mo went on vacation (not aborad) for 10 days and never contacted me, not even once!!!! (he did call regulraly before that, we would meet 2-3 times a week, were sexually intimate, etc...) When I brought it up with him, I got the " this can be suffocating, I didn't call because I didn't feel like it... I can not stand the coersion of this... bla-bla-bla...." Now, I don't want to play the victim here, but my borther had passed away -- at the age of 26 -- just weeks earlier (suddenly and unexpectedly): I was reeling with pain -- couldn't focus, couldn't sleep well, etc... And he didn't "feel like calling me"? To see how I was doing? (and no, I wasn't playing games -- he didn't have a cell phone, and I didn't have the number of the friend he was staying with) Needless to say, we broke up the night he got back and we saw each other.

My point is, that with relationships, this attitude can be really more harmful than you just not getting the kiss you were asking for... it can be about feeling lonely and neglected when you need support and understanding (same guy banned me from talking about how I felt about my brother's death "because it was bringing him down"!!! WTF! (And mind you, I was not really a nervous reck -- if my friends said I was very resilient, and strong in times of crisis, I tend to go with it... My point is, I don't nececssarily need you to survive this, but if you refuse to be there for me at all, why am I in a relationship with you at all?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 3:15pm

Uh, he's never been in a relationship? How old is he? That's a huge red flag right there. And it sounds like he might run like heck the second you really need anything -

,
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2006
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 3:19pm

I also have to say that this is a very bad sign. I dated and eventually married a man who gave me this same exact message from early on! I worked very hard at trying not to "pressure" him or to make him feel he was being suffocated or whatever. But it seemed that any amount of intimacy or leaning on him for anything would send him running. The end result was that I didn't get what I needed from the relationship, we ended up getting a divorce and I have had to work through a lot of resulting confusion about how much space is normal in my subsequent relationships.

I don't know about your case, but with myself this was a pattern that developed for me from my parents divorce. It's something to think about if it might be that you have found yourself in a similar place before. My father moved away when I was about 8 and I was devestated. When I expressed to him how much I missed him or cried because I missed him, he would give me a very similar message of "don't pressure me". I learned to squash my own feelings/needs and become very *accomodating* as to not send him away! Well, just for the record, I've decided this is NOT my role with any man EVER AGAIN!!




Edited 6/3/2006 3:21 pm ET by luky4elle