Falling for a friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2004
Falling for a friend
2
Sat, 03-20-2004 - 11:29am
I have a guy friend that I've known since I was very young. We've bumped into each other over the years and then began a close friendship after my divorce a few years ago. He's in a long term relationship with a woman that I am friends with, also. I've always been attracted to him, but never thought much of it until about a year ago, but because he was in a relationship I never pursued it in any way. I've dated quite a bit since my divorce and was involved with someone last year that turned out to be an emotional rollercoaster for me. Through it all, my friend was always there for support.

Recently, I have been thinking about him more and more in a romantic way and less and less on the friendship level. His relationship isn't good and hasn't been for sometime (she drinks quite heavily and has had one-night stands.) It used to be that the three of us would hang out together quite a bit and if I was dating anyone, we would go out as couples. The past six weeks or so I have noticed a change in him, though. He seems much more attentive to me and we have spending more time together, just he & I. He recently joined the gym where I belong and we now work out together everyday. We IM each other constantly throughout the work day and end up discussing subjects that would be considered pretty intimate. We have lunch together frequently and he invites me over often. A few days ago he approached me with the idea of starting a business together. (We both own businesses already, but this is something that he knew I've always dreamed of doing.) He's doing the leg work now to find a location and to secure the financing. We don't discuss his current relationship as I would never want to be seen as someone who had a hand in its demise.

I am getting the feeling that he cares for me more than just a friend. Am I reading more into this than is really there? I adore him and the more time we spend together, the more I think that he might be the one for me. I haven't let on to him that I have feelings for him, yet it must be obvious by the amount of time we spend together. I'm torn as to whether I should tell him that I've developed feelings for him. I realize that if the feelings aren't mutual than I could be ruining our friendship, on the other hand, I wouldn't feel right staying in this friendship anyway. I don't think it would be fair of me to pretend to be just his friend when I obviously want so much more. Also, I would find it very hard to be supportive of his current relationship when I think that it's not right for him. Help!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Sat, 03-20-2004 - 12:03pm
Personally, I would not feel comfortable getting into intimate discussions with someone who is in a relationship and for whom I had feelings. You are one step away from becoming the other woman, and I wouldn't want to be there. He is with someone else, and no matter how horrible she is, he has chosen to stay with her for whaterver reason. No, you do not need to support the relationship if you think it is unhealthy. But I also wouldn't get into the middle of it. And I definitely would not start a business with this guy. Too many things could go wrong. You already have your own business, why not keep it or start a new one on your own?


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Sat, 03-20-2004 - 12:20pm
At some point you will have to have a conversation with him about what each of you is feeling for the other.

Then I would not get involved with him in a romantic way until he has dropped the other person for good. There is a good deal of risk in that. He might not do it. He might wait until someone else comes along who is willing to extricate him from his current situation. I've seen it work all ways: one goes back to the rotten relationship and leaves omeone like you with nothing; one gradually gets out and you end up together; one gets extricated by someone else and you end up with nothing; or one makes a clean break and ends up with you.