falls in love & starts cheating!?!?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2005
falls in love & starts cheating!?!?
11
Thu, 12-29-2005 - 8:27pm
What's with this guy? I am 46, he is 53. We have been seeing each other for 5 months. I told him when we first met that I was getting over a bad breakup and was not looking for anything real serious right away. We met online, started going out, got along great... 3 weeks after we met he says he loves me! Within 6 weeks he is talking about moving in together. Now I just found out he is back online and has been looking for and talking to other women, (and possibly has been with some)! What's the deal? I know this scenario happens, but usually not within the first few months.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Fri, 12-30-2005 - 9:42am
Any man who says he loves you after 3 weeks most likely has issues.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Fri, 12-30-2005 - 5:00pm

Well, to be fair, you DID tell him YOU weren't looking for anything serious- so he accepted that obviously is still keeping his options open.


I do agree with Chamey though, that any guy who tells you he loves you after only a few weeks has issues.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2005
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 2:02am
I had a guy do that to me. He wasn't in love with me. He was just saying that to try to manipulate me. He also wanted me to move in with him. When I stood my ground and he realized he wasn't able to control me, he left. I met his ex-wife, they got a divorce b/c he was a control freak. Food for thought.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 10:23am
How is it cheating if you haven't made a commitment to be exclusive? It seems like you're assuming exclusivity where no promises have been made.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 1:39pm
Does this guy have financial problems? Maybe he wanted to live with someone to split the bills, so he told he loved you, so he could move in.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2005
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 2:25pm
I should have put more details in my first post, sorry. I suppose you could say I was "assuming", but when someone tells you that he loves you and wants to live with you and spend the rest of his life with you, I kind take that as a commitment - along with the fact that he told me he had removed his profile from all of the dating websites because he had found what he wanted. He did lie.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 2:40pm

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I would too. He flat out lied about everything. He lied about taking his profile off the website and he implied that he wanted to settle down. That's why I feel he might have been looking for someone to share the rent. Most guys would not put themselves in a relationship setting (living with someone), if they weren't ready for the long haul, unless there was something they were getting out of the deal.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2005
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 5:58pm
Yes, I think that might be part of it (or all of it.) I don't really know what his financial situation is. He seems to be doing Ok, but not well to do, you know? I'm sure I have more than he does, example: I own a nice house with property and I have nice things. He rents a very small place. If that's the case, he just wanted to use me. Unfortunately he is not the first to try this. I hate to be paranoid about it, but I can't afford to be nieve either. Never hurts to get other peoples oppinion. Thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 11:36pm

<< 3 weeks after we met he says he loves me! Within 6 weeks he is talking about moving in together.>>

Yes, I'd agree with the others that if someone says he loves you after 3 weeks, there are issues there.

Secondly, take everything that's said in the first few months, within the context of a "future with you," with a grain of salt. It's often stated in the height of infatuation. Call it a lie. Call it overzealous (ie, he may have been FEELING that way). But, whatever you call it, recognize that a person cannot make informed decisions, such as the idea of moving in together, with less than a firm grasp on the reality of who you are ... and at 6 weeks, he doesn't really know you nor him ... so, take it with a grain of salt based on infatuation, not on really know you or knowing what he really wants.

<< I just found out he is back online and has been looking for and talking to other women, (and possibly has been with some)! >>

You said that you didn't want anything serious. His words indicated that he did. When your words didn't indicate the same, he went back online. That's not cheating, that's keeping his options open. There was no exclusivity based on mutual agreement. If his words were saying that he wanted something exclusive, and your words weren't ... then, going back to other options just means that he's aware that you don't want what he wants. No harm, no foul.

So, was it an assumption that just because he said those things, that you had an exclusive relationship. Absolutely! I mean, what about what YOU said ... "I'm not looking for anything serious" ... it takes two to have an exclusive relationship and he wasn't hearing that that was what you wanted.

Therefore, I have to ask, just because he said those things, does that mean that he has the power to that easily change your mind? (ie, "He said 'I love you' ... so, now I want something serious, too). If so, then it's up to you let him know that you want something serious, too. But, if he can change your mind that easily, with a few words, then ... IMO, that means that you don't really know what you want, either ... know what I mean?

No assumptions. Stick to what you know you want without letting a few overzealous words easily sway you from what you know you want.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 11:34am
He may be a perpetual cheater, you don't know his history. Anyway, anyone who hardly knows me and is telling me that he loves me sets off alarms in my head. There were clues that he wasn't...perfect all along.

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