Falsely advertising my bad self???

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2006
Falsely advertising my bad self???
50
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 12:44pm

Hi,

I seem to attract guys who have basic differences that preclude a serious relationship. Firstly let me state the crimes I am guilty of: I am politically conservative (registered Independent), Christian, 40 years old and I'm a PhD-level scientist who uses small animals for research.

So I seem to attract (50% of the time) younger (by 5-10 yrs) Jewish guys who want to start a family (I look younger than I am and I guess I have a Jewish look/way about me). So these guys are usually disappointed to find out my religion and/or age on the first or second date.

If neither of those two things are an issue, there are political differences (I voted for Bush and support his foreign policy and I live in NYC--you can fill in the blanks). I avoid talking politics LIKE THE PLAGUE but they always ask pointed questions and eventually they find out. And there is no way I'm going to lie. I leave out information all the time but they ask pointed questions, like, who did you vote for.

If none of those three things are an issue I get cross-examined on the small animal issue (again, an area I've learned to avoid talking about but they don't give up asking me). I tell them how much I like animals and how animal rights activists have actually helped researchers to do better experiments because now we have all these rules that force everyone to treat animals better and nonstressed animals yield better data...yadda yadda yadda...but it doesn't seem to matter.

All this is so heartbreaking to me because they never really get to know ME...I just get asked this battery of questions and that's it. Never get past a few dates. Meanwhile as you might imagine I'm quite tolerant of other people's views...most of my friends are extremely liberal for instance...

I date A LOT (I'm a fairly attractive, thin, blonde female, my mom was a model and I've been told countless times we look alike) and as a consequence I've become quite skilled at circumventing certain topics in the beginning but I tend to go out with highly intelligent analytical types (a lot of attorneys, writers and doctors) who basically perform an interview on me to decide whether or not they want to continue dating me. And I always end up feeling badly about who I am.

Mostly I meet guys through common interest groups (foreign language and singles clubs). I prefer meeting guys in person b/c these have been my most successful dates (ie I get past the first date).

Online dating has been a really bad experience for me as most men are looking for women under 35 and I'm not old enough for the senior dating websites which are usually for 50+. If you then narrow things down to compatible religion, politics, educational level, and geographical location (I can't move due to my job) there aren't so many guys to choose from. And then we still have the small animals issue to contend with...

When I do email these guys they stop responding after a few emails back and forth; not sure why. I keep the emails light and humorous and allude to getting together or calling within a week...maybe that's a bad thing? From all the coaching I've received that's SUPPOSED to be a good strategy...maybe I've gotten bad advice? I've even resorted to emailing guys who don't post their pictures online (and I always post mine--totally unfair). It seems like I'm really going out of my way to be accommodating and understanding and giving everyone a second chance and nothing works.

Help!

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 1:42pm

Why would you want to hide who you really are? That makes no sense to me. It's a good idea to find out dealbreakers from the beginning. I personally would not feel comfortable dating someone who is politically conservative, no matter how nice they are...it's just something that I feel very strongly about. You may not agree with someone else's dealbreakers, but that's not your call...everyone gets to pick their own, ya know ;-)?

There's no point in feeling bad about who you are if you don't want to change yourself (and why should you?). Focus instead on finding someone who's right for you...and someone who is right for you will be just fine with the things you mention. Yes, your pool is smaller (so is mine, but for other reasons)...but all it takes is *one*.

Your online strategy is just *fine*...those guys just aren't right for you. I wouldn't spend much time on the guys who don't post pics, though...I think the popular wisdom that men who don't post photos are usually married or involved is pretty accurate.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2006
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 2:00pm

OK, so I'm doing everything fine...thanks so much for that info...I don't plan on changing myself, except I would willingly convert to Judaism for the right guy...but you don't think it a bit strange I'm 40 and never been married? I mean, it's a bit unusual, you have to admit, considering I date so much...

That's interesting what you said about 'no photo'...I hadn't thought of the possibility that they might be cheating...(I guess I'm a little naïve in that area).

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2006
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 3:15pm

Also, I just thought of something else.

Have you ever made an exception for your own 'dealbreakers'? Like you thought you wouldn't date someone, for instance, in a certain age bracket, but then you changed your mind b/c you met someone who had really great qualities, then you found out their age later, but realized they were an exception?

I don't want to ruffle any feathers but there are also plenty of people who get more conservative as they get older...meaning that in general, politics is a pretty flimsy dealbreaker for long-term relationships. I voted for Clinton...both times. :)

I'm a great person. My friends and co-workers know this. I feel like the men I date would probably like me if they set the checklist aside and just relaxed, as I have learned to do.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 4:00pm

Well, I'm 47 and if anything I've probably gotten *more* liberal as I've gotten older (although I would describe myself as moderate), as has my mom, interestingly enough ;-).

My list of dealbreakers is quite short, well thought-out and non-negotiable (and age isn't one of them). They are dealbreakers for a reason. I think it's a little disrespectful to assume that the men you're dating don't have good reasons to have the dealbreakers they do. But even if they don't have what you would call "good" reasons, it doesn't matter...their dealbreakers are their own, not yours. All it means is that those guys are not right for you.

Preferences are something else altogether and I am very open to dating people who don't fit one or more of my preferences, if they have other qualities I am looking for.

In response to your previous post, I think so long as you are the best person you can be and you're happy with yourself as you are, that's what's important...not the fact that you haven't been married.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2006
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 4:37pm

Well, I wish you were a guy.

Every guy I go with is like, how did *you* get to 40 without getting married? A compliment in a way, but, makes me feel like an oddball, like they are just looking for something wrong. There have been no exceptions to this (I date 2 men/month average.) So while I *was* quite happy with myself when I was focusing more on school and not dating, dating in and of itself has made me feel like one strange character. What do you say...I guess I just forgot to get married? The truth is, nobody's asked my hand in marriage...or even to get engaged...ever.

Ironically friends explain me away by saying most men would be intimidated by someone as educated, confident and attractive as I am...as if being truly happy and independent is a deterrent...whatever...maybe they're just trying to make me feel better. One of my closest longtime friends has suggested that I act more "vulnerable"...guys apparently like that...huh.

An aside...your political drift over time, and that of your mother's, are against the norm...but you still illustrate how changeable certain 'dealbreakers' might be. My hunch is, a lot of this dealbreaker stuff is superficial in this particular city (Manhattan) since the ratio of single men to women is about 1:4, and at the singles events I attend on a regular basis, make that more like 1:5. Yes, even stuff like bowling and kayaking.

My only consolation: I am not alone!! But most of these women are either considerably younger or they've been married before. Hence my desire to figure out what the heck I've been doing wrong.




Edited 1/1/2006 4:49 pm ET by goddess_juju
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 4:41pm

I think you might just be too focused

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2006
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 5:13pm

I don't think you understand...I'm pretty honest about everything. I've been told by my friends and family to leave out certain information in the beginning though...so that they might at least get to know me before drawing hasty conclusions. You are saying even this is bad?

Here's a common example: he mentions hating Bush on a first date. Instead of saying anything, I change the subject. I don't really want to talk politics on a first date, esp if we disagree. But I'm used to this attitude, and very tolerant of it. I don't judge him for hating Bush. I myself think the president has made a lot of stupid mistakes, and I disagree with Bush on virtually everything besides Iraq. There are very few things for me that are this black and white. But I'd really like to talk about something that is less emotionally charged on a first date, esp when they use the word 'hate'.

Same sort of things goes for the animal research. But if he asked my age or religion, he would get a totally honest answer, of course. I might not offer this information if he didn't ask though. Bad?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 6:00pm
Educated, successful women are the least likely to get married, so your situation does not sound the least bit strange to me. Men seem to prefer under-achieving women. And I have found that liberals are a lot more narrowminded about conservatives than conservatives are about liberals. For example, I consider myself conservative in a lot of ways and I would have no problem dating or marrying a liberal, but I know a lot of liberals would just look at me and think I was a bad person, hard-hearted, stingy, uptight or whatever for being conservative. I look at liberals and I see persons who have a different world-view but I certainly don't look down on them. As for the religion thing - I don't know - wear a big cross around your neck everyday and maybe Jews will stop asking you out. As far as the animal research thing - that would be too much for me to take! I'm very sensitive about animals and I couldn't be married to someone who was involved in animal research. Maybe you could go into some other area of your field where you don't have to use animals? Good luck! Iri
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 6:01pm

Politics is a dealbreaker for many people. I dated a Republican for 7 years, I will never do that again.

Perhaps you ought to look into a nice red state. Between their love of George Bush and fascination with hunting, you should have no trouble attracting a man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2006
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 6:38pm

OK, thanks for helping me prove my point!

I'm going to try the cross idea...mabye with matching earrings...but I've already done my share of secretarial work, waitressing and bartending and still no suitors. Maybe these professions are too ambitious...exactly what type of underachieving careers that don't involve animal research do you suggest?

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