Falsely advertising my bad self???

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2006
Falsely advertising my bad self???
50
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 12:44pm

Hi,

I seem to attract guys who have basic differences that preclude a serious relationship. Firstly let me state the crimes I am guilty of: I am politically conservative (registered Independent), Christian, 40 years old and I'm a PhD-level scientist who uses small animals for research.

So I seem to attract (50% of the time) younger (by 5-10 yrs) Jewish guys who want to start a family (I look younger than I am and I guess I have a Jewish look/way about me). So these guys are usually disappointed to find out my religion and/or age on the first or second date.

If neither of those two things are an issue, there are political differences (I voted for Bush and support his foreign policy and I live in NYC--you can fill in the blanks). I avoid talking politics LIKE THE PLAGUE but they always ask pointed questions and eventually they find out. And there is no way I'm going to lie. I leave out information all the time but they ask pointed questions, like, who did you vote for.

If none of those three things are an issue I get cross-examined on the small animal issue (again, an area I've learned to avoid talking about but they don't give up asking me). I tell them how much I like animals and how animal rights activists have actually helped researchers to do better experiments because now we have all these rules that force everyone to treat animals better and nonstressed animals yield better data...yadda yadda yadda...but it doesn't seem to matter.

All this is so heartbreaking to me because they never really get to know ME...I just get asked this battery of questions and that's it. Never get past a few dates. Meanwhile as you might imagine I'm quite tolerant of other people's views...most of my friends are extremely liberal for instance...

I date A LOT (I'm a fairly attractive, thin, blonde female, my mom was a model and I've been told countless times we look alike) and as a consequence I've become quite skilled at circumventing certain topics in the beginning but I tend to go out with highly intelligent analytical types (a lot of attorneys, writers and doctors) who basically perform an interview on me to decide whether or not they want to continue dating me. And I always end up feeling badly about who I am.

Mostly I meet guys through common interest groups (foreign language and singles clubs). I prefer meeting guys in person b/c these have been my most successful dates (ie I get past the first date).

Online dating has been a really bad experience for me as most men are looking for women under 35 and I'm not old enough for the senior dating websites which are usually for 50+. If you then narrow things down to compatible religion, politics, educational level, and geographical location (I can't move due to my job) there aren't so many guys to choose from. And then we still have the small animals issue to contend with...

When I do email these guys they stop responding after a few emails back and forth; not sure why. I keep the emails light and humorous and allude to getting together or calling within a week...maybe that's a bad thing? From all the coaching I've received that's SUPPOSED to be a good strategy...maybe I've gotten bad advice? I've even resorted to emailing guys who don't post their pictures online (and I always post mine--totally unfair). It seems like I'm really going out of my way to be accommodating and understanding and giving everyone a second chance and nothing works.

Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 7:13pm
Maybe its your personality that is the problem...Iri
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2006
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 7:25pm

*Seven* years? Musta been some redeeming qualities... :)

I agree w/ Iri, conservatives are much more tolerant of liberals than vice versa. Being a registered Independent, though, I'm kind of out of the fray. I vote for the person that suits the times and let history be the judge of whether I was right or not.

I voted for Clinton because he was pro-military, and I might vote for Hillary if she runs, who pretty much mirrors my stance on Iraq!! Just Bush was so much better than Gore in the 2000 debates, and I was unimpressed by Kerry. The Dems have to turn out some true leadership material to get me voting blue again. C'mon, some of you HAVE to agree with me!!

I'm also pro-abortion, pro-stem cell research, pro-gay rights, totally baffled that there's even a debate to teach intelligent design as anything more than mythology 101, and I find intolerance for these issues problematic. None of my friends disagree with me on these issues. So nothing against red staters whatsoever but I don't think I would move in order to seek out political acceptance...exactly...

And I know you were kidding around (at least I hope you were) in equating animal research with hunting...if you or anyone you know survived heart surgery you have animal research to thank...

This is fun! I didn't expect this conversation to take on such a political tone. Thanks for letting me finally say my piece!! (You know none of my dates ever hear past the Bush ballot.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2006
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 7:28pm
I totally agree with you...but what? I seem to have plenty of friends...very quality people too, and smart...
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2006
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 7:35pm
It's something to do with what my friend said about being more vulnerable, maybe? She said more crying is good...really. Showing more emotion? Fragility? Kind of goes hand in hand with underachieving?


Edited 1/1/2006 7:38 pm ET by goddess_juju
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 10:54pm

Do you realy want to attract the type of man who's attracted to drama?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2006
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 11:43pm

I would say no, I wouldn't want a guy who's attracted to drama, but if they're anything like my platonic friend, I don't know, I wouldn't say he's attracted to drama...(I've detailed this story in another recent post here entitled 'Underachieving emotional women are hot?')

I'm not a dramatic person normally yet we've remained friends for 6 months now. I think he is the type of person who likes to help people out, from what I've seen. I have barely mentioned my ex to him since. Instead we joke about our sometimes awful, superficial dating experiences like I'm complaining about here!!

He does improvisational comedy, so I guess in a way he's attracted to drama!! :)

His issue is, women don't date short guys (he's 5'4"). Not even short women!! He's dated over 100 women in the past 5 yrs. Height is a dealbreaker, apparently. I am thinking: no wonder there's a 50% divorce rate. How does something like HEIGHT figure into qualities one looks for in a life partner?

I could understand age being a dealbreaker for men (b/c of a woman's fertility)...but HEIGHT? Are you kidding me, women under 5'4"? Is this really true????

If so, I give up on humankind. *shrugs*




Edited 1/1/2006 11:57 pm ET by goddess_juju
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 7:42am

I'm a tad confused here and I'll blame it on the lack of caffeine, but...


If height is a dealbreaker, then how did your friend date 100 women in 5 years? I don't think divorce is easily suscribed to height. The reasons for divorce are much more complex and if you take a look, many reasons usually revolve around money and sex.


As for the reason you originally came here, I think these ladies have given you great advice. There seems in my opinion to be an answer you want to hear. I would re-read the advice you've gotten and let it seep in. You sound like a highly intelligent woman so that's not the issue. If you keep doing what you're doing, you're going to keep getting what you're getting. Since you know your life best, you're going to need to find the common denominator in what happens. Is it the way you come off? Is it the men you pick?


Take some time for yourself and try to find that missing puzzle piece. I think you'll have your answer then.


Hope this helps!


Kerry

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 8:59am

I totally agree with you...but what? I seem to have plenty of friends...very quality people too, and smart...>>>

I don't know you so I can't really say. You should ask your friends. Iri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2006
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 11:14am

He dated over 100 women in 5 years but nothing worked out beyond a few dates. I guess it was a lot of online dating where his height wasn't given in the profile. It's easy to get a first date, but no relationships ever resulted. I wouldn't ascribe it all to his height...not sure what other reasons there might have been. But from what he tells me even women that are shorter than him don't go for short guys (i.e. when he looks in the online profile of women under 5'4", they have height requirements for men that are taller than himself). This seems like a pretty arbitrary dealbreaker.

The truth is, I never get a chance to pick the men! I try but they run away. The guys, all the guys I end up dating, are guys that have picked me, but nevertheless, I date a lot...like 2 new guys per month. But I never get to choose!! :( I think this is why 50% of the time I end up with guys that are younger than me, and age is often a dealbreaker for them, understandably. Makes for a lot of false starts!!

So I end up with guys that are not well suited to me and often I have to end it. The top 3 reasons are: 1) he's looking for a mother figure (e.g., won't help make even easy decisions like which restaurant, which movie, or even which subway, and in general is very passive), or 2) we have great difficulty carrying on conversations either because he totally dominates them or we just don't share a lot of common ground, or 3) he appears to be suffering from depression/recent breakup issues. I think in all 3 of these instances, I'm better off on my own.

That would be a good start...getting to date the guys I choose. Not sure how to solve that one though. I've tried matchmaking but even in that situation I never make it past the pre-date phone interview with the guys I'm really interested in and I ended up dating guys that are real losers (i.e. lied to the matchmaker about their professions, etc).

As for the other point, something in the way I come off, what facet of my personality that specifically turns off guys and not friends, I can only guess. The guys that lose interest always say it was something about them, not something about me, which I know is BS, but I can't seem to get a straight answer out of them. I'll get to ask the current guy soon, I guess...since he's not emailing me back after the second date :( What a way to start the New Year...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2006
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 11:28am

I guess you missed the next posts...let me update you. The advice I got from my longtime friend of 15 years is that I should act more vulnerable, since guys like feeling needed. But others on this forum say that this attracts codependency. So in fact needy women (underachieving, vulnerable women with accents) may get married but...not necessarily a healthy relationship.

After thinking about this I would say that although my friend gets herself involved in long term relationships, they are definitely codependent ones. So I'm not sure if the advice of friends is the best thing, you know?

So I'm looking for man-on-the-street type information here...what do *normal* guys like?




Edited 1/2/2006 11:32 am ET by goddess_juju