Falsely advertising my bad self???
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| Sun, 01-01-2006 - 12:44pm |
Hi,
I seem to attract guys who have basic differences that preclude a serious relationship. Firstly let me state the crimes I am guilty of: I am politically conservative (registered Independent), Christian, 40 years old and I'm a PhD-level scientist who uses small animals for research.
So I seem to attract (50% of the time) younger (by 5-10 yrs) Jewish guys who want to start a family (I look younger than I am and I guess I have a Jewish look/way about me). So these guys are usually disappointed to find out my religion and/or age on the first or second date.
If neither of those two things are an issue, there are political differences (I voted for Bush and support his foreign policy and I live in NYC--you can fill in the blanks). I avoid talking politics LIKE THE PLAGUE but they always ask pointed questions and eventually they find out. And there is no way I'm going to lie. I leave out information all the time but they ask pointed questions, like, who did you vote for.
If none of those three things are an issue I get cross-examined on the small animal issue (again, an area I've learned to avoid talking about but they don't give up asking me). I tell them how much I like animals and how animal rights activists have actually helped researchers to do better experiments because now we have all these rules that force everyone to treat animals better and nonstressed animals yield better data...yadda yadda yadda...but it doesn't seem to matter.
All this is so heartbreaking to me because they never really get to know ME...I just get asked this battery of questions and that's it. Never get past a few dates. Meanwhile as you might imagine I'm quite tolerant of other people's views...most of my friends are extremely liberal for instance...
I date A LOT (I'm a fairly attractive, thin, blonde female, my mom was a model and I've been told countless times we look alike) and as a consequence I've become quite skilled at circumventing certain topics in the beginning but I tend to go out with highly intelligent analytical types (a lot of attorneys, writers and doctors) who basically perform an interview on me to decide whether or not they want to continue dating me. And I always end up feeling badly about who I am.
Mostly I meet guys through common interest groups (foreign language and singles clubs). I prefer meeting guys in person b/c these have been my most successful dates (ie I get past the first date).
Online dating has been a really bad experience for me as most men are looking for women under 35 and I'm not old enough for the senior dating websites which are usually for 50+. If you then narrow things down to compatible religion, politics, educational level, and geographical location (I can't move due to my job) there aren't so many guys to choose from. And then we still have the small animals issue to contend with...
When I do email these guys they stop responding after a few emails back and forth; not sure why. I keep the emails light and humorous and allude to getting together or calling within a week...maybe that's a bad thing? From all the coaching I've received that's SUPPOSED to be a good strategy...maybe I've gotten bad advice? I've even resorted to emailing guys who don't post their pictures online (and I always post mine--totally unfair). It seems like I'm really going out of my way to be accommodating and understanding and giving everyone a second chance and nothing works.
Help!

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Then why post on a women's forum? There really are not many men who post here..maybe 1-2 occasionally. You might try posting on the Answer Man, UOS or Guy Talk boards, although even on those boards, it's mostly women, since Ivillage is geared towards women. You could also try Askmen.com but while you'll get lots of responses from men, that site appears to attract mostly unhealthy, macho, misogynistic guys so I would take any advice you got there with a HUGE grain of salt.
Besides, few men are going to admit to their emotional unhealthiness ;-). Many will tell you they like independent women but then go for the basket cases. I'd rather be alone than with a guy like that...but there are a lot of them out there.
Sheri
Oh...is that why it's all pink here? :) I had no idea. I'm a newbie. I guess I'll move to a guys forum. Thanks for your advice on which ones to post on...I can easily get led astray since I'm trying to be openminded about stuff. I will really try anything at this point.
>>Many will tell you they like independent women but then go for the basket cases.
Do you know my ex? Just kidding. This is so true. And women are guilty of some of this kind of duplicitous behavior too.
I don't expect you to read every single post I've written here, so let me just insert this passage from one of my previous posts:
"He mentions hating Bush on a first date. Instead of saying anything, I change the subject. I don't really want to talk politics on a first date, esp if we disagree."
Trust me, golightly2004. I am very skilled at keeping the conversation light light light. The very last thing I want to talk about is politics. The second last thing I want to talk about is his work or my work.
Here's a list of highly intellectual topics we discussed at the restaurant on the second date with my latest (at this point I'd known him for 1 week):
1) The truly bizarre foreign film we had just seen.
2) Eccentricities of the waitstaff at the restaurant.
3) What to eat at the restaurant.
4) What he dreams to be in life (he's thinking of a job switch).
5) How I figured out what I wanted to do in life (he asked).
6) What I majored in at college (he asked).
7) His cat.
8) His new cell phone and dealing with Cingular/ATT wireless (service provider).
9) How I had spent Christmas (he asked).
10)How he had spent Hanukkah.
11)The four movies he saw on Christmas Day (being Jewish).
12)What I got for Christmas (he asked).
13)The last movie I saw (he asked).
14)What else I did since the last time I saw him (he asked).
15)Apartments (somehow New Yorkers always end up talking about real estate -- don't know why this is).
The conversation lasted 3.5 hours, and at the end he remarked that he was surprised we had talked till midnight. How bad could it have been for him?
So this guy got a Masters from Harvard...a smart guy...but we don't sit around discussing string theory (not that I could). So I'm not exactly sure what you're driving at...
Edited 1/2/2006 11:50 pm ET by goddess_juju
Also, I just have to say this, because my university appointment is in neurosciences...
The left-right brain theory is now thought of more as pop-psychology...so fewer 'connections' between the hemispheres is not likely to correspond with a lesser likelihood of reaching a man's emotional side. There may be other reasons that it is difficult to reach a normal person on an emotional level but it probably doesn't have an neuroanatomical basis.
I would guess that certain people are more difficult to connect with on an emotional level because this is a learned behavior, unless they are autistic or have some other pathology going on. But even autistic people can be taught empathy...I have a good friend who is a high-functioning autistic and it's known to get better with counselling and age.
So I know men often blame their anatomy for their actions but...you can't get away with this one, hehe.
Anybody else have any thoughts on this?
Something just came to me... since you can't seem to pinpoint what it is that is holding you back. And the only reason I say you is because you are the only common denominator, did you think about seeking professional advice? Sometimes have a third party to sound off on helps, especially when they are trained with these sort of things.
Though an advice board is great and may give you some things to think of, we can only do so from a very anonymous point of view. I know that experienced point fo view can be very revealing and helpful.
The only other thing that I can think of is that there is too much thought going on with the dating process for you. What I mean is that you have a lot of the answers, but are not letting the outside in. For example, you say online dating has not been succesfull for you because the men there are looking for women under 35. If you check my signature you'll see I'm also a co-cl for the Online Dating board and I could point you to many women over 35 who are having success with it and at least finding dates. There's a very experienced woman who is over 35 and she posts to this board who could give you great advice on that, advice I admire. So I don't necessarily think that's the case.
I said earlier that if you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting what you're getting. Attempting to tone down or make a man feel wanted does not mean that you need to become a bumbling idiot who cannot do for herself. But I know from experience that if I feel I have no place in someone's life, I will not bother being in their life. So is it possible that you are not making room for them because you give off that self-sufficient attitude? Again, nothing wrong with it... just something to look at.
Like I also said earlier, I think a lot of great advice has been given to you here and I do believe if you take the time to re-read it without thinking of your responses to it, it may help. The women who have answered you here and in the other posts are very wise and their advice should definitely be allowed to seep in.
Have a great evening... :o)
Kerry
"I'll get to ask the current guy soon, I guess...since he's not emailing me back after the second date..."
Well, there's one problem right there- you're so concerned with what you're doing WRONG, you're not looking for what you did RIGHT.
>>I could point you to many women over 35 who are having success with it and at least finding dates.
I think the key phrase is "at least finding dates".
I've found 4 of the 10 dates I've had over the past 6 months online...one on Craigslist and 3 from a paid dating site. Compared to the 6 guys I've dated that I met at parties/activities around town, the online guys are less sincere and less interesting. It may be a hazard of the medium...it takes a lot less effort/personality to post an ad online than go out and meet people at singles activities. Also, I spend a lot of time at work at my computer already!! I have an "internet headache"!!
The one good thing I like about internet dating is the efficiency...age, religion, etc, it's all right up front. If it's not fabricated, that is. Some people are very creative about the information they leave out.
Another good thing about meeting at parties and activities is I make a lot of friends who then invite me to their mixers which provides even more opportunity to meet people, whereas online I meet only one guy at a time. I'm in two different singles clubs and a meetup group, and I get invited to 'side parties' often. At least two a month.
>>I know from experience that if I feel I have no place in someone's life, I will not bother being in their life.
OK I will try this next time, if I ever get beyond the second date!! Or-- is there some way to achieve this on the first few dates without seeming like I'm moving too fast?
I really felt in my last relationship like the guy wasn't making any place for me in HIS life. He had this certain schedule and he would only see me on Fri or Sat, I couldn't call past 10:30pm, he wouldn't leave me by myself in his apartment, and I never met his friends. I put up with 4 months of that crap. I sure as heck hope I'm not that bad!!
>>Did you think about seeking professional advice?
Yes. I think that might be a good idea. At least, it should be interesting. Everybody keeps asking me why I don't have any furniture though, so I better go out and buy a proper bed and living room first, then start saving for therapy!!
Well I must say I feel pretty stupid now. He sent me a long email tonight from an internet cafe, explaining that his cell phone got stolen and it had my number in it, and he's just moved back into his old apartment that he was subleasing and hasn't gotten the internet connection rehooked up yet due to the holiday...could I please resend him my number?
So I guess you're right...I shouldn't jump to conclusions so quickly. Sounds like he wants to see me again after all...lol...
So now what do I tell him? Sorry, I need to take some time out to work on myself? I really like him...maybe I could do it simultaneously...get dating advice WHILE dating.
I haven't read the other posts yet, but I don't think you should hide any aspect of yourself. After all, you're looking for a partner for *you* -- not some artificial you. And, I know plenty of guys who will only marry someone with conservative beliefs, and I have attended several weddings last year between a Jewish guy and a Christian woman. So don't be discouraged. It's better to find out early on that you are not compatible with someone, because it gives you more time to focus on those with whom you are.
Also, I wouldn't hide your beliefs from those you date. If someone tells you on a first date that they hate Bush, don't just change the subject. Engage. You don't have to fight, but there is nothing wrong with good-natured banter, where you are on opposite ends.
Edited 1/3/2006 9:50 am ET by ioveranalyze
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