Falsely advertising my bad self???

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2006
Falsely advertising my bad self???
50
Sun, 01-01-2006 - 12:44pm

Hi,

I seem to attract guys who have basic differences that preclude a serious relationship. Firstly let me state the crimes I am guilty of: I am politically conservative (registered Independent), Christian, 40 years old and I'm a PhD-level scientist who uses small animals for research.

So I seem to attract (50% of the time) younger (by 5-10 yrs) Jewish guys who want to start a family (I look younger than I am and I guess I have a Jewish look/way about me). So these guys are usually disappointed to find out my religion and/or age on the first or second date.

If neither of those two things are an issue, there are political differences (I voted for Bush and support his foreign policy and I live in NYC--you can fill in the blanks). I avoid talking politics LIKE THE PLAGUE but they always ask pointed questions and eventually they find out. And there is no way I'm going to lie. I leave out information all the time but they ask pointed questions, like, who did you vote for.

If none of those three things are an issue I get cross-examined on the small animal issue (again, an area I've learned to avoid talking about but they don't give up asking me). I tell them how much I like animals and how animal rights activists have actually helped researchers to do better experiments because now we have all these rules that force everyone to treat animals better and nonstressed animals yield better data...yadda yadda yadda...but it doesn't seem to matter.

All this is so heartbreaking to me because they never really get to know ME...I just get asked this battery of questions and that's it. Never get past a few dates. Meanwhile as you might imagine I'm quite tolerant of other people's views...most of my friends are extremely liberal for instance...

I date A LOT (I'm a fairly attractive, thin, blonde female, my mom was a model and I've been told countless times we look alike) and as a consequence I've become quite skilled at circumventing certain topics in the beginning but I tend to go out with highly intelligent analytical types (a lot of attorneys, writers and doctors) who basically perform an interview on me to decide whether or not they want to continue dating me. And I always end up feeling badly about who I am.

Mostly I meet guys through common interest groups (foreign language and singles clubs). I prefer meeting guys in person b/c these have been my most successful dates (ie I get past the first date).

Online dating has been a really bad experience for me as most men are looking for women under 35 and I'm not old enough for the senior dating websites which are usually for 50+. If you then narrow things down to compatible religion, politics, educational level, and geographical location (I can't move due to my job) there aren't so many guys to choose from. And then we still have the small animals issue to contend with...

When I do email these guys they stop responding after a few emails back and forth; not sure why. I keep the emails light and humorous and allude to getting together or calling within a week...maybe that's a bad thing? From all the coaching I've received that's SUPPOSED to be a good strategy...maybe I've gotten bad advice? I've even resorted to emailing guys who don't post their pictures online (and I always post mine--totally unfair). It seems like I'm really going out of my way to be accommodating and understanding and giving everyone a second chance and nothing works.

Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 9:55am
Another thought: I think you need to change your attitude that you don't choose the guys you date. You *do* choose. Even if you don't chase. I don't ask men out, yet I choose whether I date those men who do ask me out. If I'm not interested in a guy, I say no. I only date when I choose to say yes to a guy. Don't give away your power and independence.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 1:10pm

Of course intellectualism is a learned behavior. My point was that some people are more inclined towards one hemisphere or the other. When you're dealing with men who major in the intellectual, they're probably looking for a breath of fresh air, so to speak.

I didn't come on this board to debate with you. If you shoot men down the way you did me and others, I can see why they might be intimidated. There's such a thing as being wise in one's own conceit. When we do that, we don't let other's viewpoints matter. We're all in this world together and we depend on each other, like it or not sometimes. Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 1:59pm

I'm a little concerned about you juju, why the big rush to find Mr. Right? Are you on a timetable to have a baby? Are your parents leaning on you to "find someone nice" (verbiage from my own mother).

If you like your job and your friends, is it necessary to couple up right now?

If not, give it a rest for a bit. Enjoy your time alone, enjoy your life and if someone comes along great. There is no requirement that you need a boyfriend to move on in life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 2:51pm
I wish I had joined this conversation earlier. I hadn't been on this board all weekend. Anyway, I agree with you that a lot of men are intimidated by successful women. Several men I've dated found me to be a "breath of fresh air" and they found they could "have an intelligent conversation with me", but two in particular went back to their "underachieving gfs" (according to them, these girls are underachieving). I happen to love sports, especially hockey. Not too many girls love hockey. I've had many dates with eligable bachellors to see the NY Rangers at Madison Square Garden (I'm from NY also). But these guys became my buddy instead of my bf. A couple of them chose to date girls who hate sports. I know this because I'm still their "buddy" :( Some men like to compartmentalize their lives. They've got their intellectual buddies, their sportsfan buddies, their workout buddies, thier chess playing buddies, thier political debating buddies, musician buddies, etc...and there is thier girlfriend, off to the side with no connection other than romantic. Some guys like this sort of thing. But these aren't the right guys for me or you. And it's a good thing to find out early, before you invest too much time with them. Don't count it as a loss if you can't get past the first date with a converstion about Pres. Bush. If you meet one of his deal-breaker characteristics, better to know now instead of six months down the road. Usually great guys come along when you least expect it. The mixers and social events you attend are great places to meet the right guy. You just haven't found him yet.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 6:02pm

Dating is often a numbers game. if you're dating online often the info- age, religion, etc is in your profile. why not talk to person on the phone before getting together, or lightly in an email sharing your political orientaion, whatever you think will bother them, get it out in the open right away


why are you subjecting to being grilled, dont;' put up with things that make you uncomfy, btw: you have the right to ask questions as well. i dont see how you're falsely advertising your best self, you're being upfront and truthful


it's a two way street - you can be as choosy as you like as well.


good luck - just keep on keeping on but be more discriminating you who waste your time on. Life is too short to even have an endless process of cofee dates with guys who specialize in making you feel bad about yourself


wihle it's good to be light you don't need to add the let's get together in one week line.


best of luck


sherry


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 6:05pm

you don't have a bad self, you're being truthful


you sound like a great person! rock on!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2004
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 9:10pm

Wow Juju, I can absolutely relate! I think one thing might be your PhD. I have one in the basic sciences, and I have found ever since starting to work on it, and then post- earning it, that I've had trouble with men. I never did before that.

I've dated the regular guys who were no where near my education, but oh so intelligent, and they were threatened, even though I NEVER acted, nor even thought, I was superior. Earning a higher degree takes a few things more than intelligence, like interest, perserverance, money and the willingness to live dirt poor for years and get screamed at by people with no social skills. I really think intelligence is a very small part of it and I'm not being humble. I believe that.

When I date MDs and/or PhDs they think lots of things like "she's making more money than me (the PhDs in academic research)" or "I can't impress her with my exciting talk about shredding DNA all day long or holding a beating heart in my hand because she's been there" or even, "she's seen autopsies and hasn't fainted, so I guess I can't impress her with my experiences with gore".

Oh well, just my 2 pennies. I'm 46, never married, funny, earning lots of dough, independent and emotionally healthy and I've had nothing but dating issues since the higher degrees...I try not to blame it on that, and I let them all hang out when I meet someone, no need to hide them, but boy has education changed my dating life.

Take care!

Chick

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2006
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 9:37pm

Believe me, I love banter...totally love it. But I think most people are more forgiving if they know about other aspects of me first, things that are less controversial. This is not a hard and fast rule however. I kind of feel people out. For instance, this current guy I'm dating was SO taken aback that I did animal research...I really thought I had lost him. But he seems OK with it, after all. However such an emotional reaction he had...I don't want to risk talking politics yet.

On the other hand, the guy I went out with last month is a liberal-minded activist with his whole family being left-leaning...I went with him to his sister's "Global Warming" party...you get the idea...and I love bantering with him. He finds my viewpoint very...haha...entertaining, I guess. But he's got one of the highest IQs on Long Island, he likes to tell me, so, maybe he's used to thinking a little more intellectually rather than emotionally. This is indeed as rare as genius!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2006
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 9:45pm
Yeah, kinda. I'm batting 1 out of 10 with that approach though. I think I would find more guys my type if I could initiate every so often. Somehow I more often than not attract guys that I have absolutely nothing in common with. I mean nothing. They are simply interested in something I have that they want, but they aren't thinking beyond that, for instance, what they could offer me as well. I really want more of a sharing relationship. Too idealistic?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2006
Tue, 01-03-2006 - 10:12pm

Some guys are really turned on by the intellectual conversation, but even so I tend to play it down. After all, I get enough of that stuff at work. On dates I just want to relax and I want my date to relax. So I totally agree with you there. You can see from the topics I discuss on dates (a previous post) I stray away from the heavy stuff.

What's nice is if there's the potential there for intellectual conversation, because later on I would imagine we are going to get tired of talking about his cat and his cell phone and my Christmas sweater!! :)

About the hemispheres...I was mentored by a very cool bunch of neuroendocrinologists in Seattle who would argue for hours about some scientific minutae and then slap each other on the back and go out and have a beer. I am of that school.

So if you're going to delve into the scientific realm, you'd do best to put your ego aside. I was just stating facts, not trying to shoot you down.

If you can send me an article on that connections stuff I'd be really interested in reading it. I just have to tell you that although my right brain understands why you brought it up, my left brain says it's probably BS.

jem813@verizon.net