Fear of loving

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2004
Fear of loving
5
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 3:30pm
I need some advice on how to overcome this fear I have of falling in love. I've been seeing this great guy for about 3 months and we've become very attached to each other. I think I'm falling in love with him and the best thing is I can feel we are both in the same page. I feel so happy right now and things seem so frightening perfect that for some reason this is giving me a lot of anxiety. The other day I overreacted over a stupid thing and told him I didn't want to continue our relationship anymore. We had a serious talk and then I realized I did overreact and there was really no reason to end it. I don't know why he puts up with me cuz this was the second time I tried to break it up with him over some stupid unreasonable thing.

I know why I'm so afraid of falling in love. I fell in love once before, the only one time I've ever loved someone, and I was so hurt in that relationship that I promised myself I would never love anyone like I loved that guy. I told myself that if I was ever again to be in a relationship it would always be with someone who loved me much much more than I loved him, that way I wouldn't be hurt if things didn't work out. But then I always ended up breaking up with those guys cuz I didn't feel complete and fullfilled. So basically I'm doomed to being alone if I don't overcome this issue I have.

I don't know, I just feel that being with this guy makes me so happy that it scares me, because before I met him my life was perfect, a nice job, nice friends, nice family... I'm afraid I'm gonna create a need where there was none before.

Am I crazy or does this happen to a lot of people?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 7:49pm
icrazygirl...

Pianoguy (who has been "burned" in the past) knows the apprehensions you're probably feeling. HOWEVER...

Where is it written that a man and a woman can't let a relationship grow S-L-O-W-L-Y? Who came up with the crappy idea that it has to turn serious in 3 weeks?

Do you mind if I'm a little blunt with you?

It's a common trait (among women) to compare one relationship to another (usually the one they're in with one a g/f or family member is in). And forgive me ladies...IT'S A DUMB TRAIT! Most men WON'T respond when you expect them to. While one man may only take 3 weeks to really get serious...a similar man might take 3 months or 3 years! Does this mean the 2nd man is a loser? Or he isn't worth the wait? Au contraire!

The pace "we take" often corresponds to your (over)eagerness!

Granted, the longer time frame might frustrate you like crazy...but...that's too bad! If you honestly want fulfillment and instant love...get yourself a puppy! With a little bit of nurturing (food, water, kind words and belly scratching)...you've got a soulmate for life!

This doesn't mean a man doesn't appreciate 'nurturing' too....but you shouldn't expect an immediate reaction or response the moment you feed us, say nice words or...err...'scratch our tummies!' We're not always certain if these gestures are voluntary (on your part), or if there's an ulterior motive?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 7:58pm
Hi-

I'm new to all this so please don't be too scared of my response-good/bad..



Getting burned from a previous relationship hurts alot. And so when you start making conditions on any new relationships based on old SO's like you've said you are doing right now.. I think you're setting yourself up for frustration and a headache. You'll never know how much anyone really loves you until you reciprocate that love back openly and fairly (to him and for your ownself too).

From my own few endeavors into love- all I can say is give it a try (again). Talk with him about your reservations about love and all that jazz. I've found when you lay it all on the table they're(the real good ones) will usually be good about sticking with you..Being supportive and even better as a SO than before. You're not "crazy" for feeling petrified of falling so hard. it just takes alot of patience, time, and a great person to help you through your rule making to feel all right about having a relationship with a great SO.

I don't think you're doomed to a single life ever. Just posting your message reads to me like you're on the right track getting advice from crazy strangers like me!

hope this helps you today. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 9:19pm
No, you are not crazy. Yes, it happens to alot of people.

A~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 9:30pm
Absolutely everyone's got baggage...what makes yours so special? In fact, I would say that someone who doesn't have baggage is in denial or 8 years old. If you feel that your baggage is in the way of your having a relationship and you've been dealing with it 'the regular way', but can't...try some individual therapy. Just realize that people have cheated, been cheated on, dumped, been the dumper, used, been the user, etc., etc.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2004
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 10:39pm
Dear icrazy_girl,

You have no idea how familiar this sounds... I thought I was the only one crazy around :)

First, take a deep breath, this is perfectly normal.

Second, as much as you possibly can, try to think of the relationship LOGICALLY. I know crazy girls like us have a hard time doing that but, that is important so that you can asses the situation better, and not end up ruining otherwise a great thing.

Having loved someone is great, wonderful, learn from it and think of the positives. I know it is difficult to let go and believe it again but you need to slowly let yourself to.

"I promised myself I would never love anyone like I loved that guy"

That statement right there, as long as you believe this, you will have a really hard time having a happy relationship that develops into something even better. Just keep that in mind :) Seriously, don't you want to love somone even more, someone who will love you even more, be optimistic, it can happen, you can make it happen!!!

"I told myself that if I was ever again to be in a relationship it would always be with someone who loved me much much more than I loved him"

Actually a lot of older women in my family have advised me that, and i think i took that advice and did that and I ended up being miserable and hurt the guy really badly after a 3 year relationship. It is good to feel pursued, but doesn't need to be extreme. You have to love the guy, to be fulfilled and feel happy.

So, relax, you are doing good, you have valid concerns. Remember that relationships are alwasy a leap of faith and we need to risk a bit to gain a bit.

Keep sane and have patience,

d_willis