Fear with Sex and LDR

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2004
Fear with Sex and LDR
1
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 2:53pm

Hi everyone,

I have posted this message also on the LDR board but I am interested on everyone's opinion. Hoping to get some kind of guidance on my issue.

6 years ago I met A at a wedding but we did not get together at that time because we were both out of a relationship and I was not looking for anything. Anyway, we met again early July again and both were single so decided to give it a go. We live 3hrs from eachother. He visited me the following weekend and got on really well. I went on holidays then and we visited me again the weekend of my return and on the second day we had sex. It was nice, he is very gentle. He did ask me if I regretted it and I assured him that no, but the truth is that no I did not regret but the feeling I was left with was horrible, felt low and my self esteem went down fall for about 3 days following that episode. I am in fear Yes I admit it to have maybe have sex then. Fear he would judge me etc....he is in touch with me everyday either by text message and calls me once twice a week and it's really nice but here is where I am a bit frightened..he is very opened about sex as to what he would like and what I would like...at the beginning I thought it was funny and went along with it..he says he loves a woman who can talk freely and that it gets us closer..maybe it is..as I say I am new to this kind of communication and my question is..is it??? Is this not going to affect our relationship? Will he come visit me just for sex? and he thinks about sex all the time...Now I know he's a man but when on LDR is it normal? And also, would he judge me when I tell him what I like etc...?

Many questions but I have very little answers...so please if you could enlight me anyone...that would be great.

Thank you all in advance
Shakira

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 4:34pm

Question for you...were you also in fear with sex in your last relationship? Or is it just this guy?

Whenever we enter into a relationship there is some anxiety that is normal. Some of it is good anxiety and some of it is not so good. No one likes to be judged and no one wants to be used for sex, especially if someone wants more than that. If this man is asking you to be open about sex then he doesn't sound like someone who will judge your preferences.

Being open about sex and sexual preferences is something that can bring a couple closer and can lead to a better sexual experience. It will also create an environment where each partner is motivated to please the other, and that usually spills over into the non-sexual aspect of a relationship as well. Just my opinion. If you are not comfortable telling him what you want in regular conversation then try it during sex. Try being open about little things, like "more to left", "kiss me here", "flip me over"...or whatever it is that you want to communicate. Eventually you may feel more comfortable discussing sex outside the bedroom. It is more fun when both parties get what they want.

I think about sex and I'm a woman. I think I'm "normal"...for me. Granted, it has been a long time since I have had sex but...why not? This is actually a funny kind of post for me to respond to because 98% of the female friends I have had cannot discuss sex..not with a woman or any man openly. Maybe they make a comment here or there, but try having an indepth conversation about sex with these women and they freeze up. So you are not alone in this world. I dont know why women are not comfortable discussing sex, but they are. Maybe it is because we were raised to not discuss sex otherwise men would not find us desirable for marriage.