Feel bad

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2004
Feel bad
5
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 3:06pm
Hi all. I am new here and I need outside perspective on my situation. here goes...met a great man 3 yrs ago, we had a really great connection. He relocated for a job and I also changed careers. We lost touch. Cut to this summer, he is back in town at a firm and I ran into him. He claims when he got back in town a year and a half ago he would walk center city on his breaks in hopes of seeing me. He had lost his phone book(skeptical). So, he calls me and invites me to lunch. He commences to tell me that he never forgot me, he still adores me. Next date he tells me that he wants me in his life, but also tells me he's happily engaged now. He says he wishes he had found me a year and a half ago, it would be me. I appreciated his honesty and let him know that I would try to keep in touch, but I can't see me in his life knowing that we want each other as more than friends. Over the course of the summer, we talked, still had lunch dates, and he would always come to see me. I finally told him that its going to be too hard for me to be a "friend" when it comes time for him to actually get married and start his family. We're too attracted. But there is a strong connection. He tells me he can't "deal" with not being able to see me. He says he gets this "overwhelming feeling of joy", whenever he's with me. I've avoided seeing him for a month, only once a week calls. He finally got me to meet him for drinks last Friday. I go down to meet him at his office, he had to finish up some work first. But we talked outside and he tells me he has some news. I guess that he got married, but he says no its coming up. I knew one day I'd have to hear this. At that point I don't want to go for drinks or have him drive me home. I tell him to be happy and congratulations. He gets upset and says "I'm discarding him and we were friends from the moment we met". I'm trying to make him understand that we are not just typical friends even if there was no sex involved. If we were just friends he could tell his girl about our lunch dates, I wouldn't mind meeting her, etc. I do feel a strong connection with this man, I would like to be his friend, but I don't think I can, not the way he wants. He feels since we never had sex, there was no romantic involvement, so I should be able to be deal with this. Could there really be friendship? Should I call him and let him know I'm not discarding him or just let it go and get on with my life? Sorry so long-winded. Any help is appreciated.

jomei

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
In reply to: jomei97
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 3:33pm
I think you are doing exactly the right thing. Good for you! Too bad if he "can't handle" not seeing you/talking to you. His heart has been promised to another woman, and if he really loved her, he wouldn't be trying to keep this thing going with you.

Since he has chosen to go through with marrying this woman anyway, I think you are wise and mature to put a stop to the friendship. If you continue to be his friend, your feelings for eachother will continue to grow and then, 1. you might end up in bed with him, and/or 2. you won't be able to detach yourself and go on to find someone you can connect with who's "free."

I know it sucks when you feel a connection but you're not together, and I'm convinced that sometimes those instant/intense connections aren't "true." I've been burned plenty of times by those fiery "connections."

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2004
In reply to: jomei97
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 5:30pm
Thank you. I think I am doing the right thing. It just hurts like hell. I think I really just needed to get an objective viewpoint. Speaking on "instant" connections, I told him that I'm not going to try to force a typical friendship knowing that's not how I feel. That's when he brought up how we were connected at first sight and were never really romantically involved. Isn't kissing me, holding me and saying that you "just want me" all giving the idea that you WANT to be romantically involved, regardless of actual sex? Maybe that's just my thinking...I don't know. Thanks again.

jomei

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
In reply to: jomei97
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 5:36pm
Hi jomei97. I think you did the right thing and hope you stick to your guns about not seeing him anymore, even though it will be hard. You both know deep down that there are more feelings involved here than friendship. He is saying everything he can think of to keep you in the picture, but in doing so he is not being very respectable or honest with the woman he is about to marry. I wonder if he has considered her feelings -- the woman he loves so much he's going to make his partner for life. How would she feel knowing he has this "have to have her" feeling about you? Feelings can and must be controlled in life. That's what makes humans different from animals -- the power to make choices. Please, for your own sake, don't keep this man in your life. In doing so, you would actually be preventing yourself from meeting a man who *could be* the right one for you. Timing is part of being right for someone. And usually the right one doesn't come along so long as we are bogged down struggling with the wrong one. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
In reply to: jomei97
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 5:38pm
He's kissing and holding you? Um, would this be the type of man you'd really want for your partner? Someone who would do that with one woman while being engaged to another? He's a liar and a manipulator. You can do better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2004
In reply to: jomei97
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 9:06pm
Thanks for the votes of confidence that this was the right thing to do. As much as it will hurt, and it really hurts, I am determined to stick to my guns. If we were supposed to be together, we wouldn't be in this situation in the first place. I know MY man is out there somewhere...now if I could just find him.

peace,

jomei