Fight or Flight!!!
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| Mon, 04-24-2006 - 8:32am |
Hi Everybody,
I am new here but I am desperate for a little input into a situation that has me totally crazy! I posted on other message boards with this same post, trying to get some perspective. Hope someone has some sage advice! I will try to keep this short but it is kinda complicated ....here goes....
Almost two years ago I met a man via an internet dating sight and much to my surpize we found that chemistry and huge attraction that has kept the relationship going this long.I have always been a little skeptical of internet dating...but here we are! It has evolved and we are in love. I have two sons 15 and 21 and he has two grown kids 28 and 30. So our timing in life is a little off. This has been a huge issue since day one. He said after a couple of dates when we could see it was getting serious that he was not comfortable "inheriting" (at that time my 13 year old) (My son has special needs he is just slightly developmentally delayed, so that is a factor here) My 21 year old is away in College. At that time I explained to him that my children are non-negotioable entities, they are my first priority and that we should go our separate ways if he feels this way. He said that he really liked me and to give him a chance to try to get used to the situation. I was really falling for him ...so I did. From time to time we have discussed this problem and how it stands in the way of our progress. I have ended the relationship over it in the past but he always comes back and asks for more time to "get used" to it. I must say that he does try i.e. he has taken my son to a baseball game, he is interested in his school progress and and is trying to spend more time with him. My son thinks he is wonderful! I also have to say it is not an easy chore because of my sons developmental problems. There are times when he can be very hard on the nerves. So we are pretty much walking on thin ice when we are all together...not always but most of the time. Last December I sold my house and bought a home in my BF's neighborhood so we could all be closer and make this work one step at a time. We don't see him (BF) much during the week as he is very dedicated to his job (CEO of a large corporation) My son goes to his father's home every other weekend. So it is not like we are always around each other.
My dream until now has been to be married one day soon and living under the same roof and sleeping in the same bed with him at night. Like other couples who love each other. I have been getting kind of frustrated lately wondering just if this whole thing is ever going to work out and I have suggested that my BF spend more time with us perhaps one or two nights during the week. He sometimes does but it always feels a little strained. Anyway....just recently he invited me to join him on a bussiness trip in NYC and I went up on my own to meet him there on a Friday. Well, it just so happened that I sat in first class next to a very attractive man who turned the two and half hour flight into a rather surprising romantic encounter. I will call him RB. RB happens to be a very engaging, highly intelligent man...an attorney... handsome.... great conversationalist and very attracted to me. I told him about my BF and his response was ..."your not married yet and this does not happen to me very often....I feel like I'm 16 again!"
I am 50 years old, I am a pretty good judge of character and I believe him to be sincere. I was flattered, but my committment to my relationship is very strong. When I felt our conversation shifting to a more personal nature I tried to back up but we were on a plane sitting beside each other with no place to escape to!
I spent a wonderful weekend with my BF, however kept thinking about RB and what actually happened during that flight...suddenly feeling kinda scared about the real
strength/weakness of my committment!!! So.... I returned home on the Monday thinking it had all blown over when I recieve a phonecall from RB (I guess I gave him plenty of clues to find me...and he did) He wants to see me again and now I am totally confused! It gave me the impetus to have a crucial conversation with my BF as to what I can expect from our current relationship. In fact I told him I wanted to break up because I just wanted to let go of the struggle to have a relationship with a man who did not seem to have the same level of desire to spend time together as I do. He was very surprised and said that he was not willing to let me go and that he was going to try harder to make the whole thing work...which by the way he did this last weekend by spending extra time with my son and I. I He always says that he will try harder but it does not last in the long run.
My dillemma is that I have been struggling with this relationship because I truly believe I am in love with BF. The fact that a total stranger on a plane could turn my head has me confused. Is it because I am frustrated with present relationship or is it because I met someone whom I was truly attracted to? I have not looked at another man since I met BF.... no one could come close to him for me. There have been a couple of serious opportunities in the last two years, but I wasn't interested at all. I just don't know where to go now.... It is Sunday night I know I won't see BF for most of this next week till Friday. I feel lonely ... not willing to end the relationship but not quite willing to let RB out of my sphere of influence either! I feel guilty about that too. I know that even if I did end my relationship I am not exactly emotionally available for another person right now but perhaps this is a big sign that I should lose some baggage and fly lighter in the world....i just don't know.
Sorry this was so long but that is the story and I need some input. Can anyone shed some light on this for me. Perhaps give me another perspective??? Thanks.

Just my thoughts, but I suspect RB is a commitment phobe. Tell your current bf you are going to start dating others. Be honest with him about this. Date RB but don't expect anything and DON'T sleep with him. Keep it light, realize that he is a bad prospect in a lot of ways (men who come on too strong in the beginning are not in it for the long haul).
Meanwhile keep your distance from you bf. See if he realizes that you are not always going to be there. I'm not saying play games, per se, but see what he's made of. Be free of this stuff for awhile. I'll bet he'll make the effort.
Just my 2 pennies, maybe not good advice, but worth a try.
Chick