The filters in relationships!!!
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| Tue, 05-08-2007 - 10:28pm |
Im back in a relationship with an ex. We were together young (17-21 years old) and after 4 years decided to part ways to explore life and other relationships. We had something great and loved each other very much. Time has passed (4 years) and we found ourselves still caring for one another and decided to possibly work on seeing if we could be together forever. We have talked about it and if we continue to get along and things go well then we will be together.
We have had some speed bumps, be it small, and have gotten past them so far but I have noticed something that I believe needs to change in order for us to work. The girl I date is very timid and shy and a type of person that helps everyone and doesnt want to hurt anyone. Having that mindset I will tell you that Im very straight up and blunt and in the past I was controlling and possessive, and Ill admit that. Since then though I have changed and am not that way at all. I was young and have had many relationships since then and my insecurities have subsided. The problem came up earlier last week when I noticed that my ex has a filter on myself. Shes viewing me through my old tendencies and sometimes jumps into feeling a certain way for no apparent reason except by going off the past. She will be scared to tell me how she feels or scared to changes plans with fear of me getting upset with her or "hounding" her with what she did wrong. Heres a small example.
She lives about an hour twenty away and I come up once a week to see her. We setup plans for one night for me to come up and make a meal and spend a nice evening together. I drove about 40 mins and I get a call from her, semi frantic that her friend is in trouble and needs a place to stay. She felt it was awkward to have both of us stay there and having to entertain both of us. The phone convo started with her explaining that her friends husband was in a rage and kicked her friend out and that her friend needed a place to stay. Instead of saying sorry and explaining that she needs to help her friend and have me come another night, she was very general and touchy feely and I was totally confused as to what she wanted me to do. I asked if her friend could stay in a hotel room and offered other things and it only lead to her getting upset to the point of raising her voice at me and getting completely upset. She gets overwhelmed very easily and cant handle stress very well. She was crying saying how sorry she was, and how she doesnt know what to do. She doesnt want me mad at her and explained that shell "hear about how I made you drive an hour and turn around to go home" all week.... I don’t know how I would of reacted but I do feel it would have been much better if she came out and told me what was going on exactly and how she felt about it. Told me shes sorry and that we’d do something another night. Instead she was timid and jumped around how she felt and what she wanted from me causing all kinds of problems.
Do you get the point? She has this filter on me that I want to get rid of. I dont want her to be nervous or scared to come to me with things and I dont want her to view me as her parent figure.. I want to be regarded as a friend...boyfriend.. etc.
Thanks for any words that may help.

"Shes viewing me through my old tendencies and sometimes jumps into feeling a certain way for no apparent reason except by going off the past. She will be scared to tell me how she feels or scared to changes plans with fear of me getting upset with her or "hounding" her with what she did wrong." --- so the old script is still alive between the two of you?
Was she always this timid and scared?
Does she see what you see? Does she see how this behavior pattern in her life creates more stress than she could handle? If she can't handle stress...it is because of how she handles these types of situations...self fulfilling prophecy.
Her friend was in a jam and she could have offered to help get a hotel room, but she obviously wanted your girlfriend's company more than the room.
The only way she will break from this cycle is if she goes to counseling and addresses her need to "people please" all the time. I had a high school pal once call me and ask if she could stay with my exhusband and I because she and her mentally abusive husband were breaking up. I said if she needed a place to stay for a night or two thats fine, but I lived in Queens and she lived in Brooklyn and her mother lived in Brooklyn. I asked her "why don't do you just stay with your mom. It would be easier for you?" She wanted to stay with me. But she just really wanted to move in and took a while for it to come out. I said "absolutely not. You go move in with your mother." Nuts, isn't it?
Learning to be appropriately assertive takes time and practice and counseling may help in that area too or a class.
This is a tough one because this flaw in her could lead to some serious fights or problems down the road.