Financial Issues!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Financial Issues!!!
6
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 9:52am
My boyfriend and I recently disucssed moving in together in about 4 months when my apartment lease is up. We agreed that being engaged before that will be best so it won't cause any friction with our families (we both come from religious backgrounds). We both want to build a life together, and living together would be a financial advantage for the both of us.

He surprised me last night by saying that he has been thinking more about us being engaged within the next few months. From a financial standpoint, he says that it isn't the ideal time for him. He has A LOT of debt, which I knew about, but didn't realize the extent of until last night. It's so frustrating to me that he feels he needs to have all of his debt payed off by the time we marry. He says that he wouldn't feel right about me paying towards his mountain of debt. I understand his reasoning, but considering the extent of his debt, it will be about 2 years before he can pay it all off. He doesn't want to put an engagement ring on credit because he already has such high balances to pay off.

I feel like our wonderful relationship has just hit a wall. I feel so selfish for being frustrated with his abundant amount of debt, but it seems so unfair. He is in his mid-thirties and has never been married. It seems like he would have been thinking about his debt issue BEFORE he met the person he wants to marry!

I feel like the excitement of engagement is ruined now. My hopes were up for getting engaged within the next few months, and now I know he doesn't want the same thing. It's a huge disappointment.

Any advice?





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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 11:35am
I'm sorry you are disappointed. However, how would it make you feel if he HAD put the ring on credit? Are you okay with that? You didn't say how long you have been dating, but I don't think any of us really think about our debt until there's something we want to do - like buy a house, get married, buy a car, or simply just start saving. I don't think that is was his intention to mislead you. It seems that he seriously thought about his financial situation and decided it would be better if you two didn't get engaged right now. I'm also worried that you believe your "wonderful relationship has hit a wall". No matter whether you are dating, engaged, or married, you will always have times when something will prevent you from taking a step ahead. Also, just because YOU would have thought about your debt earlier, doesn't mean that he's the same way. I think it says a lot about him that he doesn't want to put the ring on credit. Perhaps you should take yourself out of the situation and think about what if this was your friend telling you this? What would you say to her? Good luck.

Michelle

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 4:24pm
My reaction would be to tell him that I'm not comfortable with putting our lives on hold while he pays off his debt, that it's more important to me to be married to him and building your lives together than that he be debt-free on the day you get married, and engage him in a dialogue and see if there is room for compromise.

I do applaud his not wanting to put the ring on credit however. If he does agree to move up the engagement and wedding, perhaps he could get something small and affordable now and splurge more later.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 2:24am

In regard to putting engagement rings on credit... I think many people do that. It's not unusual, especially if what he wants to get you is a very nice, sizable ring.

 Start

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 9:06am
Honestly I would really think things through before pushing to get married before the two year mark. I was in this exact situation and my ex-husband had a lot of debt. Well we would up getting engaged and married and that was a huge mistake. All issues intensify when you get married and financial issues cause seem to grow even larger...

I would really hold off on the marriage and respect his wishes on this one. I think it really shows what a responsible guy you have that he wants to clear things up first. That is extremely commendable. Allow him to clear it up so this way these issues don't come up after marriage. Marriage is tough enough without having something such as someone's debt to contend with...

Good luck and keep us posted.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 10:05am
Thank you all for your advice. I do commend my boyfriend for wanting to rid himself of debt before getting married. He has taken steps to control his debt issues, for he doesn't even use credit cards anymore. It's simply just a matter of paying off his existing debt.

Someone mentioned that he could purchase a more affordable engagement ring to begin with, and splurge more later on down the road when finances aren't as tight. I understand that reasoning, but we are only talking about an extra few thousand dollars. Once we are living together and have two incomes instead of one, it will be so much easier to pay off debt (including debt caused by the engagement ring).

It may sound odd that I am willing to contribute towards paying off his debt. I just don't want to wait another year or two before we get married!

I would think that at least 50% of men purchase an engagement ring using credit. If they marry before the ring is payed off, doesn't the wife usually end up contributing some towards the ring considering the combined incomes of married life? My boyfriend says he would never let me help contribute towards the ring, that's IF he put it on credit.

I know that I have found a very special man, who is ready to build our lives together in ways that will best benefit our future together. Is it so absurd for me to want to help him out with his debt issues?



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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 11:33am
No, it's not absurd at all--it's wonderful that you want to help him. And I think that's a testament to your love... :)

But (and in this manner I think like a guy) sometimes people need to deal with things on their own... I'm more of his mindset where I would not want to drag someone else into a mess I created. Be that good or bad, I believe in it and understand where he's coming from. You've definitely found something special and when you've found that, I just don't see a rush for it... It will be just as great and stronger in two years from now if you wait.

But at the end of the day, you must do what's best for your relatinship since it's not just about your wants or his--it's about you finding middle ground right?

The only point I'm trying to make is to try to step back and see things his way rather than pushing for yours... Just some ideas to get the wheels turning...

Let me know what you decide and how it goes... :)