finding out he was a snake

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2001
finding out he was a snake
6
Sat, 06-19-2004 - 9:25am
just found out my bf of 3+ years was dating his previous girlfriend the first 6 months of our relationship even though he said they had broken up and repeatedly denied seeing her when I asked. I'm truly devstated - can't stop thinking about it. It was soooooo long ago and quite frankly our realtionship wasn't all that serious (although I told him I would note date/sleep with him if he was dating/sleeping with others - he said he was not).

We were headed for marriage - heck, I was thinking of proposing to him!! Now, I'm not sure if I should stay. I sooo want to stop thinking about this and get on with my life - it's tearing my insides apart.

mhp

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2004
Sat, 06-19-2004 - 9:40am
mhp,

Sorry about your pain, 3+ years is a long time to be together. Are you dating? Living together? How did you find out now?

Have you told him you know? How did he react?

How long had he been with his former girlfriend?

lightship
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Sat, 06-19-2004 - 12:36pm
Point blank-he lied to you. Question is: can you truly trust that he will never lie to you again? Or has the trust been broken..........as we all know-without trust there is nothing. I fully understand the 3 year thing-been there---but can you live your life not fully trusting him? Would he do this again? Even if you two weren't serious--he was still with 2 women at one time and probably neither of you knew about the other. If you can forgive and forget then that's great--but it would always be in the back of my mind eating me alive ......wondering...the choice is yours, good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sat, 06-19-2004 - 2:26pm
Hello

,
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Tue, 06-22-2004 - 12:48pm
Your beginning foundation was filled with lies.
Lilypie Baby Days

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2001
Sun, 07-04-2004 - 3:02pm
Well, to answer everyone's questions...

Something brought up a question in my mind and I asked it. He answered sheepishly and eventually the truth came out. He said he knew this would have to be discussed but that he was afraid I would leave. I just wish it could have come out much sooner and we could be over it by now.

How has our reltionship been since then? It was a rough start 3 years ago, I will admit. He was a jerk much of the time. I think we both had some self esteem issues going on. I let alot go that should have clued me in and I should have called him on. I think I was ignoring the signs. I just liked having someone to date and he felt better by having two women interested.

Now, 3 years later, he's pretty darn wonderful. He treats me extremely well, is very caring, loving and respectful. I get flowers all the time, have coffee made for me each morning and he even feeds my cat when I'm at work past her dinner. We have similar interests and goals in life, we have a great time together no matter what we're doing and laugh all the time. He does seem to be a completely different person from the person I started dating. He has agreed to go to counseling and also has answered any and all questions I have had in the last weeks about our relationship and theirs. He realizes I am trying to come to grips with all of this. He has never been a big talker but has made great progress lately in digging down to the why and how of this whole thing. He realizes he treated us both very badly at the time. The one thing he said that made me somewhat hopeful was that when I asked him if he cheated on her, why should I expect him to not cheat on me (their relationship was a long one as well and seemed similar)....he looked like I slapped him in tha face, stating that our relationship is in no way like theirs was and is much more meaningful. Towards the end of their relationship she had moved over an hour away for work - he had no plans to follow. He saw no future in their relationship - said it was more of a comfortable thing that had developed.

We had been long distance too but after a year of dating me he took a new job and moved one town over from me. He is now moving (with me) again to make my commute shorter to my new job.

Still I wonder if I can get past this. I was actually planning on asking HIM to marry me sometime. LOL! I know he's wanted to ask but I think he's afraid (I'm divorced and not real big on taking that step again). I had been happy enough with our life together that I thought I was ready - now this. I feel like this is quite a setback. I am trying to put it out of my head but thoughts and visions keep creeeping in. I can't seem to let it go. It's not so much the girl but the lying and the fact that he could do that at all. i'm worried that he's a bit less moral than I and I wonder if he'll take marriage seriously. I am afraid to open a huge can of worms with therapy but that's pretty much the only way out of this. We'll be going together AND seperately.

ugh!

mhp

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Sun, 07-04-2004 - 3:44pm
Hello mhp!