A Fine Line?
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A Fine Line?
| Thu, 06-17-2004 - 12:38pm |
I have been best friends with a man for the past 4.5 years. I'm 33. He's 49. I fell head over heels for him when we first met. Finally, after a year or so, I told him how I felt. His responed with 'not ready for a relationship at this point in his life', 'can't support himself, nevermind a girlfriend', and 'sex ruins friendship'. I respected his wishes and readjusted my outlook since I would rather have him in my life as my best friend than not at all. Well, a little over a year ago we became roommates. Although I still love him deeply, I remained a true friend. Our minds continuously go in and out of the gutter freely and induendos fly all over, but no action. He hears my thoughts. I met the family...almost the whole family. I've seen where he grew up and heard his childhood storys. Everything is in place except the physical connection. We hug, kiss on the check, general touch -arm, back, head. He on the other hand- grabs, gooses, tickles, and once he dropped something behind me in the kitchen - rubbed all the way down and all the way back up. I had to leave the room it felt so good. Also, I don't mean to get graphic, but the way he gooses leaves me wet for weeks. It's not your little butt pinch. He hasn't dated anyone since I've know him, that I know of. and neither of us have had a sexual encounter in a long time. I did, on the other hand, marry a perfect stranger almost 2 years ago who isn't even in my life. As of today, my friend is staying with a friend and I am at my folks until we get back on our feet. He's commented about us still living together and how I need to hang in for a little longer (hang in to/for/on what, I don't know). I also recently got into an argument with a mutual friend of ours who yelled 'and he doesn't even like you!' as he pointed to my friend. I know he envys the relationship connection that we do have since he's expressed it, but it still confusses me. Either he does, or he doesn't. At any rate, I need to know where the line between friend and love is, and is it that fine of a line. I'm more than slightly confused. Does he want me to answer his actions? I read a few books and found simular situations. The answer was to basically just grab "it"...which I have yet to do in fear of loosing him. Help.

Let's see, he can't support himself, he relies on others rather than being financially independent. So basically, whatever options and oppportunities and connections he has - it is because of "his friends and thier alliance with him and willingness to support him in every way to a huge degree."
AKA - a leech.
And so this guy told you "I can't support myself, much less a girlfriend" - yet he moved in with you and apparently ended up moving out because he couldn't support himself...even with your assistance to him and you supporting yourself. Are you WANTING to be the "man" in the providership role in relationship - because that is what you'd be if this developed into something.
He then said "sex ruins friendship". Okay, that tells me this guy has been around this block....he knows that once he has sex you're going to expect more of him in terms of responsilbity and obligation, you're going to want him to "be a man" - while right now you're content with him conducting himself like a little boy as long as he turns you on like a man. He knows that sex isn't going to change his value on you at all - but he's been around enough women and lived off enough of them that he knows women usually get "emotionally attached" as a result of sex. And so right now he's great, wonderful, good, sexy, desirable, and just "all that plus some"...but once you have sex you're going to want to "be with" someone who's self-sufficient, reliable, secure, mature, responsible and independent -a nd he's none of those things, doesn't wnat to be...and if he has sex with you and it changes things...then he's going to lose his free ride or potential benefits via you and ocntacts that you provide him with.
So....here's what is going on......what he likely will very readily accept is you ripping his clothes off, getting on top, and having your way with him....as often as you want....as long as after you do it you don't require kissing, cuddling, hugging, or him to conduct himself like a responsible, mature, secure, and successful man. If you're willing to be his provider, accept his excuses, and let the relationship remain just as it is - no communication, no obligation, and very beneficial to him - he'd let you hop on top and get yourself off as much as you want.
Butthe second you "grab him" - he's going to start looking in other locations for other options for other "friends" like you...that want him so bad, while he declines their advances, and to get him to accept sexual advances he's offered benefits, ease, convenience, and security. Because at some point...you ARE going to want to be coming home to an employed, responsible, reliable, dependable man, who doesn' tjust want you in bed, but is willing to help you with life resonsiblities and obligations. He's not the man...and so when you want that, you'll come homeand find a note that says "sorry, i've found the love of my life, I'll catch you on the flip side."
And he won't...but he'll have found someone else willing to give him the no obligation, no communication, no requirement, total benefit dynamic that you are right now - pre sex.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com