First Arguement over nothing?
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| Fri, 08-24-2007 - 11:30pm |
So my bf and I have been serious for four months now and we had our first argument over the mobile phones (which I think made it worse)….He has been saying for the past few weeks to me that he misses hanging out with his friends, he doesn’t want to fall off the social scene, etc. So tonight we had plans to go to a concert together and he invited his other friends/couples, but nobody wanted to go so he no longer wanted to go to the concert and do something with others. I then said to him (although he did not take it this way), well I don’t want you to get board with me, so go out with your friends.
He then completely blew up at me and said, “Carrie, how could you say that, we have been spending so much time together and I really enjoy spending time with you; I just don’t want to fall off the social scene with people as all my free time is spent with you; It completely bums me out that you would think I am bored with you” I said, “Aaron, well what am I suppose to think as you have been saying for the past couple weeks that you miss hanging out with all these people (work friends that he sees during the day) and you don’t have any time for anything else. I really enjoy spending time with you too, but I heard you say to me a couple weeks ago that you miss the spontaneousness of being single and planning at the spur of the moment coupled with you never get to hang out with your friends anymore.”
Aaron said, “Carrie, I like spending time with you a lot, but don’t want to fall off the social scene…but now, I just don’t know, I mean I can’t believe you lack that much confidence in our relationship, I mean I am so bummed by all this conversation. Now you are going to make me feel guilty for wanting to hang out with my friends.”
I then said, "Ok, I think we are making a mountain out of a molehill here as that we are both misunderstanding each other as I want you to go and have fun with your friends; I am sorr that I used the wrong word terminology here."
He said, "Yah, fine, but I can't believe you don't have that much confidence in our relationship and I am bummed out by this conversation....well I see ya and I guess we will talk tomorrow (he always has said kisses and hugs at the end of the convo for the past three months until tonight)"
Ok, so what am I doing so wrong? I guess I didn’t think the bored comment was that big of a deal for him to blow up at me for? Or is it? Thanks for your help!

The one thing I have learned about men is that they dont think before they speak most of the time. They honestly dont care if they hurt your feelings. And if they do, they squeeze a lame "i'm sorry" out of their mouthes and that is supposed to make it okay. Until the next time. He didn't need to keep making those statements...he just needed to act on them; meaning he would start to see his friends more often. But by repeatedly making those statements he got to needle you and that is not right and that is not love. Sorry. "spontaneousness of being single" and missing his friends...those are not statements you say to your SO. That was rude. There is such a thing as too much openness to the point of hurt. Contrary to popular male thought...saying hurtful things doens't make a person thicker skinned...it makes him or her numb and cold. At least that is what happens to me before the pilot light that was once love dies out.
The problem is...if someone hurts your feelings enough times, you start to care less about them. And maybe that is what it takes for any person, male or female, to start caring about the hurt feelings of the people who care about them.
The only way any person learns is when it is shoved back in his or her face. I dont suggest you do this but one day when HE gets needled, he'll realize that he hurt you. My attitude would have been, "okay, so you are not holding back...neither will I. But my tongue is far sharper than yours...you'll see". Not that it is productive or healthy to do that, but like I said, the only way to shut them up (because they do talk too much, dont you think? dont you just wish they'd shut the f$ck up?) is to give them a taste of their own treatment. It has worked for me, but like I said, I dont ever recommend it to anyone.
I have never dated anyone seriously who talked that way in front of me and I hope to never date anyone seriously that talks that way in front of their SO. There was one guy, gorgeous as all hell, and a nice personality too. We met one night at a bar not too many years ago. I was with a friend and she and I wanted to woop it up that night. He was very attentive and actually called when he said he was going to call. Except...as I talked to him on the phone and on our subsequent dates I got the distinct impression that he spoke about socializing with his friends and his ex for a reason. I find that men who reinforce the "buddies need me" conversation do it to make sure you understand that the pals are going to come first again down the road. Sometimes guys give you a few months of real attentive behavior so that you are smitten and then they feel you are forced to accept the life that they end up giving you down the road - which is nothing like how they first started dating you.
Sometimes men say stupid things to see how much you'll suck up. It amuses them. Hmmm, any man who wants me to suck up callous and hurtful behavior/speech because I am in a vulnerable position...can go suck himself up because Im not gonna do it. He can go find someone else to suck it up for him.
I dont think you did anything "wrong". I think he got all blustery on purpose to turn things back around on you. Sorry.
Also, if you and he had set plans to go to a concert, he should have stuck to those plans and made arrangements to do something the others would enjoy another day.
Edited 8/25/2007 1:31 am ET by snafu2006
I would let the