Follow up-- knock some sense into me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2004
Follow up-- knock some sense into me?
1
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 3:00pm
I posted here a few days ago about needing to have a "talk" with the man I'm dating. I had the talk with him, and it went well. I think! It was only for about ten minutes while we sat in an empty theater waiting for a movie to start. He apologized again for his disappearing act a few months back, and admitted he didn't handle his freaking out as maturely as he could of. He took my hand and said that he was going through a difficult time then and was sorry his problems had affected me, and that he could understand why I was feeling skittish. He also said that as a definition, he sees me as both a friend and a girlfriend in that we have built a strong and great friendship but that we're also romantically involved, and that is how he thinks it should be. Then he laughed and said he does not have sex with "friends". I agreed with his definition, and when I asked if that meant we were definitely exclusive, he looked confused that I would even ask and said yes, he's not someone who dates around and thought I knew that from the start. He also said if we felt like we needed to see other people, we would talk about it if and when that happened. I thanked him for clarifying what I needed to know and apologized for startling him. (It had taken me ten minutes between "Can I ask you a question?" to actually asking. At one point he laughed nervously and blurted out, "What? Are you going to ask me to go to Vegas and get married?") When he walked me to my car, he asked when he was going to be able to talk to me (I'm going into the city for a few days and he has some family stuff coming up this weekend, but that we would see if we could arrange some time together), so I told him he could call me the next night (after our talk) if we wanted. He said he had to help his boss move some furniture after work, but that he didn't think he'd be home too late and he'd give me a call.

Well, he didn't call. Mind you, we don't typically talk every day. We've even gone a couple of days without talking, actually. Who knows, he may have gotten home late-- he never calls me late and typically does not answer his phone past 8:30pm because he goes to bed early. However, I'm one of those types who gets EXTREMELY nervous when I don't hear from someone I'm involved with because of my own past "Daddy" issues. Important to know-- he has no idea that I have this anxiety about the calling thing, and I've never discussed it with him because I don't know if it is worth discussing because: 1) it's my own issue; and 2) I cannot and don't want to change who he is, because who he is is who I fell for in the first place.

I had posted here for my girlfriend a few days ago about the calling thing, but now I'm the one fretting. Perhaps if we had not had a "talk" the previous night I wouldn't be so nervous, but I feel this anxiety about not hearing from him last night. I did call him, but his machine picked up and I didn't leave a message. This really brought me back to when he did his freaking out thing a few months ago-- he admitted back then to not picking up the phone because he was afraid to talk to me. However, I don't want to start freaking out about nothing. I really want to be able to be okay with not hearing from him and assuming the worst, because my anxiety is my own issue that I want to be able to sort through and work out. If this is the worst thing he will do in our relationship (everything else between us has been great, and I'm not saying that blindly-- we really do feel like friends and lovers), I don't want to ruin it with my own issues. This is why I have not brought up the calling thing to him-- I really do want to able to get past it. However, should I get past it, or do I have reason to panic? Or should I just focus on getting into a healthier mindset about it? This is where I'm confused. How right or wrong am I about my anxiety of his not always calling when he says he will call, or try to call? Is this a sign of pulling back? Is he just assuming we are going to talk to each other regardless of when, and do I just need to let it go and work on my issue?

I'm always open to brutal honesty, which is why I've been posting here. :) You guys are great. I feel like my hand had been held since the beginning.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 8:39pm
Hmm. I have to say, that talk would not come *close* to what I would need, given the history between the two of you. You didn't discuss what exclusive means to each of you, and I wouldn't have felt comfortable with his answer on that issue, personally ("he's not someone who dates around" is a far cry from "I am not dating nor am I open to dating other people", IMO). Also, you didn't address what each of you wants from a relationship to make sure you're on the same page. I think you let him off easy ;-)! But that's just me...if you feel you know what you need to know, then that's what's important.

On the not calling thing, I wouldn't stress unless this becomes a habit. One missed call is just that...one missed call. What good would panicking do, anyway?

Sheri