Follow my head or my heart

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
Follow my head or my heart
7
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 7:06am
Hello, I am trying to get out of a relationship that is going nowhere. But my heart is completely into this guy however. He and my 3 teenage kids didnt get along at all. The chemistry was and still IS unbelievable though!!! Recently I have met another man who is very nice, treats me like a princess....he treats my kids like no one else has ever treated them. He is really nice and wants to give me and my kids the best of everything...money is no object. BUT my heart is not in it!!! I dont know what to do. I am still in love with this other man....the chemistry is so powerful and is clouding my judgememnt with this new man. I know most people say to follow your heart....but I know I would have a much better life being with a man who treats me and my like we are the most important people in the world. He is older and had 2 beautiful teenage boys himself and we all seem to get along great. I just wish I could fall in love with this guy...and forget the other guy who was mean to my kids and who takes me for granted. Sounds easy enough to do....but when youre dealing with the HEART.....its hard. Any suggestions????
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 8:15am

Okay, allow me to be the first person in your life to say: Don't follow your heart. When someone takes you for granted and is mean to your kids it doesn't matter what your heart says, your brain is telling you very clearly that this man is not for you.

If there is no chemistry with the new guy then it is time to move on regardless of how he treats your kids. If you feel that you are making unhealthy decisions then it might be time to find a great counselor so you can figure out why.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 8:58am

Dear Chamey101

I think the reason there isnt any chemistry between me and this new person..is because I havent given him a fair chance. I have been too hung-up on the chemistry guy (for lack of better term) and I have a feeling, that if I give this new guy a fair chance....I may actually start to have feelings for him. I mean..I do have feelings for him...but NOTHING compared to the great sex, heavy chemistry I had with the other guy. But until I get the heart part dealt with....I jsut feel like crawling under a rock....and disappearing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2002
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 1:15pm
wow, this sounds exactly like my situation about a month ago..but in my case i did give the new guy a chance, and no matter how much i tried, it wouldn't happen, no chemistry nothing...i didn't even like when he touch me, and kiss me,rrr..so i gave him up. Went back with the first guy, i have seen some improvement, but still find myself frustrated..Why do we put ourselves in this position? Why do we want someone, who we know it's not good for us in the long run..I know exaclty how i feel, and i just wanted to share mine experience. I hope your ends up a little better than mine, that you do fall for the new guy, as i couldn't.
hugs.
Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Tue, 02-27-2007 - 1:28pm

"Why do we put ourselves in this position? Why do we want someone, who we know it's not good for us in the long run"

One word answer: codependence.

Believe me, I understand the appeal of chemistry. However...if a women has low self esteem, she's not going to feel like she deserves a man who is good to her, and she will find men who are mean to her. It's not enough to say, "I won't tolerate a mean guy" you really have to believe you deserve the very best. I think counseling can go a long way here, or Al-Anon or Codependents Anonymous. You'd be surprised how unappealing that "hot" guy will seem once you start treating yourself better.

I know you didn't ask for advice, luizinha, so this answer is as much to the original poster as to you. It's not too late! Dump the guy!

And yes, staying with a nice man you feel no chemistry with is just doomed. You can give it more time and see what happens, but I wouldn't spend too much time on it...it's not fair to the man. More unsolicited advice: don't get invloved with a man so soon after breaking up with someone. OF COURSE your judgement is going to be clouded.

Take care, OK?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 11:11am
He's mean to your kids and takes you for granted- and it sounds like you haven't known him super long. Imagine if you were married. You can't get over him until you stop having contact with him.
,
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 12:18pm
You're right. I know I MUST stop all contact with this person who isnt any good for me or my kids....even if my heart is longing to hear his voice etc. But this new guy is unbelievably good to us all...treats me and my kids so nice. He is flying me and my kids to Florida for 10 days vacation..he is going too..but arranged seperate hotel rooms etc...because he knows that we have never been anywhere. He makes me feel comfortable and safe. Its jsut the no chemistry I am not used to.I hope if I give him a chance...I may learn to love him...or at least become good friends. So far we have a no strings attached relationship....and I think we need to continue being friends before we can be anything more. The hard part is letting the other one go...I think I may be only attracted to him physically...and nothing more...and this good guy...is the opposite..I am attracted him him for many reason...just not physically. What a mixed up place I am in right now.
Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-28-2007 - 1:22pm

You said it yourself - emotions cloud judgement. Therefore, you need to follow your head.

However, it's normally a bad idea to jump from one relationship to another. Why not break things off with Mr. Chemistry and then give yourself some time to heal before jumping right in with someone else. The reason you may feel nothing from the new guy is that maybe you're just not ready to move on yet.

Spend some time with yourself, being good to yourself and doing the things YOU love, and THEN worry about a new guy.

If this new guy is "meant to be", then he'll still be "meant to be in 6 months. If he doesn't understand, then he's obviously not the one for you either.