Follow my head or my heart?

Avatar for jbmom91
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
Follow my head or my heart?
2
Wed, 12-08-2004 - 12:53pm

I met my fiance "George" on 11/23/99 online; his divorce papers had been filed in September. We are both 34. I'm divorced (11 years) w/1 son (13). He is now divorced (May 2002) w/3 kids (13,8,6). He lived 5 hours north of me until the divorce was final, then he proposed and moved into my home. As a couple, we are good. The problem for me has to do with his ex-wife.

When the divorce papers were signed, all the marital debt was set aside to be divided at a later date. As of today (12/8/04) nothing has been signed in court. Back in February 04 they had agreed that she would file bankruptcy, which would dismiss all debts in her name. Then the court would order the remaining debts to him, at which time he would file bankruptcy. Again, to date, she has not filed. I do not understand why she doesn't want to put this behind her. According to the kids, she is preparing to move in with some guy . . . maybe have a future with. I have excellent credit I own my home w/4 acres (no mortagage) and a vehicle (no loan). So we've put off getting married for 2.5 years; I refuse to allow MY credit/assets to be intertwined with his until after the debt division. So no marriage means no more kids for me.

The other thing is the non-blending of families. Being 5 hours away from his kids and the court (Cook County, IL), she has "emergency" petitions too often. One last year resulted in him not being able to transport the kids more than 50 mile radius from her home w/o her permission. Resulting in him having 2 families - 1 here, 1 there. So every other weekend he leaves here on friday mornings, spends the weekends with his kids at his parents home, and returns home around 11 pm on sunday. And there is no way I'm willing to take my son out of school on friday and return that late on sunday just so we can join him.

Too many times over the past years I've HAD IT with all the BS that she (the ex) dishes. He feels that he must jump through her hoops to have a relationship with his kids and hope it will help her to move forward with the debts. You know . . . cooperate for the end result. So the result that I give is "leave". Well he did, in the hopes that I'll miss him (which I do). He loves me. He moved over 300 miles away from his kids to be with me. He's romantic and gentle. He doesn't plan to move closer to his kids, which I'm taking as him still hopeful for us. I'm trying to be strong enough to say "I miss you, but as long as things are unsettled with your ex we can't be together". The problem there is that I am still hopeful for a future with him and I need a push to do what's really right.

My ex-husband and I get along great. My ex-husband likes "George" and has told me to be dating him while the court stuff is ongoing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 9:29pm
Hello jbmom, welcome to the board!

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2004
Tue, 12-28-2004 - 8:28pm
I personally would not tolerate the hassle and move on. Men are a dime a dozen, love can be developed for anyone, why put up with this, what are you gaining from it? Ask yourself, is it worth the hassle for you? Problems like this will never go away, unless you walk away from it(all). You will always have her as a problem, is this what you really want? Frankly, I would move on, but that's just me.