formalizing a relationship
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formalizing a relationship
| Tue, 12-06-2005 - 7:30pm |
I've been seeing this guy for the past two months (give or take a week or two). We have a couple of mutual friends, and the first time we met we really hit it off and I ended up sleeping over in his room (we're all in university) but not having sex with him. We started "dating" as much as anyone at university dates and after a couple of weeks we did have sex.
Anyways, we had the "relationship talk" after that and basically he said that he didn't want a "formal" relationship. I'm ok with that as long as we're exclusive (which he agreed to immediatly). I'm just confused when we do all the things that couples do why he's so resistant to being in a formal relationship.

Maybe he just wants to keep his options open and if he suddenly changes his mind about you or meets someone else, he can get out of it without feeling too guilty.
Let's get you educated.
You're NOT his girlfriend. He doesn't have to think about, prioritize, or considering your needs, wants or feelings when doing anything or considering anything - from major things in life - to where to eat lunch.
He doesn't want obligation and responsiblity and requirement - that is what a relationship is. And he doesn't want the loss of options to flirt, to sleep but not have sex with, or to date girls that turn him on.
You're someone he thinks is fun, sexy, and cute - and you're willing to have sex....with exclusivity for the sake of your health and his. But he's not going to impress, please, or any of that.
Basically...for the first 3-6 months of any dating realtionship - it's infatuation.
It's "your desire for me makes me feel so great about myself, I can't get enough of your attention."
Depending on his intrests, values system, and perception of self and life...you've either prolonged the infatuation period by agreeing to sex "because he's so great he doesn't have to do anything but be there and drop 'em and you're on your knees"......so infatuation will go on a little longer...meaning he'll take you out places, rather htan call to come by after he's been places.......for a while longer than he normally would opnce infatuation with this interactive dynamic fails to titillate and excite.
Or else you've just totally lost the "benefits of infatuation" because he's now goin to stop including you, or considering you - except when it's convenient to him, which will generally be after he's had his fun and excitement elsewhere, and he just wants to get laid and comes by at 2am to do it.
It's not that he's a bad guy, or you've done anything wrong. But he's made it clear he wants a "sex option" that allows for safety in health...but he's not interested in really getting ot know you or anybody else - he's interested in having fun, excitement, experiences, and adventures - that's all "go, do, move, shake, alternate" types of things...it's not think, process, evaluate types of elements.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
More info please...
Did you two agree to date each other
Start
thanks, i didn't realize i wasn't clear on that. we're dating exclusively, not just sexually exclusive.
i never even thought of the possibility that he wouldn't want to formalize anything until he was sure the girl was the one. the reply before yours just made me feel bad about the entire thing and yours was helpful.
^_^
~Heather
Yo might ask him casually what his definition is of "formal relationship".
From the sound of it - he enjoys your company and companionship, he is dating you exclusivity because that's wht he wants to do, obviously being sexually exclusive as well....but I believe what he means is that nothing he's doing is geared to "a future commitment".
He doesn't wnat a relationship that is going anywhere...........he wants a relationship that is guaranteed in the present, while he figures out where his life is headed.
That's a very smart approach...but it's hard for women to get at times. I believe he's just saying that he enjoys you in every way- he's obviously going to the be polite, considerate, and fun guy that he is all the time anyway - but that nothing you two are doing is deisgned to create a commitment to the future.
That he's not sure where he's headed in life yet - so he's not choosing you based on partnership potential.
People in transitional phases of life are very intelligent to take this paproach. They can date osmeone they truly enjoy for years - without having to limit their options, choices, and opportunities in terms of "life path"...and when it ends - it'll hurt emotionally on both sides because it is a loss....but it's not a life-altering loss because neither party was structuring their life or options or lifestyle or pursuits around this "relationship".
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Start
Well, that's a scary word to a young guy and the two of you haven't been seeing each other very long.