Formerly dating, now FWB...I want more!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Formerly dating, now FWB...I want more!
4
Fri, 06-23-2006 - 11:28am

Here's a scenario for y'all...

I'm a divorced single mom. My kids are all fairly young...8, 2 & 9 mos. After my divorce, I was fairly certain that I did not want to re-marry or have any more kids (biologically, anyway). My marriage was abusive & the divorce was pretty messy.

I met someone about 6 months after my divorce was final & we went on a few dates. He is my age, has never been married & has no kids. We got along great, the chemistry was there...and we have a lot in common. During the first dates, I mentioned that I most likely don't want to remarry (at least any time soon), and that I definately don't want any more kids. He, on the other hand, is actively seeking out a serious relationship, marriage & a family of his own. we are both young...26 & 27.

After this was discussed, we tried to switch from being progressively romantically involved to being "just friends"...seeing as how we are at different points in our lives and have different expectations. Unfortunately, any time we hang out (it's been 6 months now)....the temptation is too great and we wind up messing around. We talk every few days on the phone (for hours) and we see each other every few weeks. We go out for dinner or he comes over to my house. We have both said before that we could definately be so much more...but the timing stinks. He also said that he doesn't want to see me more frequently because he doesn't want to get emotionally attached.

Big problem is that I DO have feelings for him. When we are together, it feels like we're a couple. He is extremely honest (to a fault) and tells me about any woman that he meets that he *may* have an interest in pursuing. He has also told me that when he finds a serious girlfriend, we will have to remain at "friend only" status. Of course, I want to see him happy....but I can't bear the thought of him being with someone else. If it was simply physical attraction I wouldn't have a problem, but it has become so much more than that.

What do I do??? Suggestions, please.

TIA,

Jenn

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-23-2006 - 12:09pm

Hi jenn!

Pianoguy thinks making a transition from an FWB situation to something "more serious" IS DEFINITELY DIFFICULT! Not impossible...but not 'a piece of cake' either!

When one half of a couple is happy with things the way they are...while the other has a desire for a more permanent arrangement...someone HAS to bend....or everything will end!

I honestly don't understand how some people can 'turn off the romantic feelings' and just become "buddies" with each other? But for some couples, I guess the concept is possible?

The hardest battle YOU have to face is whether you wish to continue a relationship with a man "who doesn't want to get emotionally attached"---or seek out somebody else WHO DOES?

Not an easy decision to make, is it?

Pianoguy

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-23-2006 - 12:34pm

Walk away now before you get more hurt. He's telling you CLEARLY that he doesn't want more with you.

Few women can separate sex from feelings and emotions, so you're hardly unusual in not being able to do so.

I recently had a fling end when the guy confessed to having a girlfriend he'd finally agreed to become exclusive with. Even though I "knew" that was a risk, and I "knew" he didn't feel "that way" about me, I fell for him and I still had (clearly irrational and illogical) hopes. It's been really, really painful to move on--my ego and feelings are really hurt that he chose her and not me. Of course, he made it somewhat easier by saying that he'd be willing to cheat on her with me but him turning out to be a jerk didn't stop it from hurting.

I wish I'd walked away earlier rather than letting it get to the point where he chose someone else.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Fri, 06-23-2006 - 1:14pm
In order for your relationship to progress, he has to become more emotionally attached. He's not willing to do that. It is very difficult to have a relationship with someone who doesn't want to get too close. Even if he agreed to become exclusive with you, he will still remain emotionally distant. Not a good candidate for a bf.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Fri, 06-23-2006 - 7:52pm

<< What do I do??? Suggestions, please.>>

The obvious solution is, stop sleeping with him. He'll never have any reason to "want more" if he gets the benefits of a relationship without the responsiblities and/or obligations of one.

So, for your own self-preservation, if you don't want to get more attached or emotionally invested, you'll have to stop sleeping with him. Because, yes ... women do have a VERY hard time seperating sex and emotions. Haven't met too many who can do so successfully (and the ones who can usually have a very poor/low sense of self-worth ... because, in doing so, they simply allow themselves to be sex objects ... and they convince themselves that it's "just sex and nothing more.") This doesn't, IMO, apply to one-night stands ... as there are many women who can have sex once with a guy and not get attached and say "see ya!" ... but, if you're having sex with a guy on a REGULAR basis ... it's pretty difficult if not impossible for any self-respecting woman to NOT develop emotional feelings or attachments ... it's just how we're wired.

Does he know how you feel ... that you'd like more from it?