Found out he cheated in past relationshi

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2004
Found out he cheated in past relationshi
3
Sat, 03-20-2004 - 4:28pm
hi,

I need some advice. I meet a man on the internet and we have been living together for about two months. During the time we were talking and saying we loved each other, he was still cyber dating other women. he never saw any of them (I have confirmed this) but he was telling them he loved them too. He tells me that he met me after the other lady and that once he met me he knew it was me that he wanted, but he had a hard time letting her go. He has not talked to her for three months, two months before we moved in together. I found out three months after he stopped talking to her. I forgave him because I did make him feel insecure about me really going through with the move, i.e. changing my mind all the time. And the fact he never slept with her and that he stopped talking to her when he knew we were going to be together.

here is the kicker. After much "research" I found out he has cheated in several relationships. As a matter-of-fact I am not sure he has ever been faithful. He says he is ready now, he is 27, and that he knows I am the one for him. Since living together he has never given me a reason for me not to trust him, but sometimes I feel like it is just a matter of time.

I am not one to stay with a cheater. I have been cheated on twice and left each time. So I know it is not that I am willing to put up with it. But, I am afraid to throw an otherwise good relationship away just because I think he might cheat cause he has done it to others in the past! HELP!

Thank you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 03-20-2004 - 5:26pm
I believe that someone who has cheated will not cheat again IF they went to therapy and understand what lead to the decision to cheat and can explain what is different about them as a person then vs. now. Someone who will change their ways must feel deep regret for the choice they made to cheat and the people that were hurt buy it. They will not blame someone else for it.

Based on what you have told us, I don't think this guy sounds like he really understands what it means to be faithful.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-21-2004 - 11:18am
I was cheated on once and your guy would make me run...I just don't think that I would have the wherewithall to have a relationship with a known cheater...right off the bat, the trust is off. I believe that the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior...I agree with the other poster that people DO change, but only after a lot of WORK. This guy's MO is to cheat when he gets into a particular situation...why is he going to act differently when he gets there again IF he hasn't spent time reflecting and working on changing?

If I was getting into a pattern of being with men who cheat, I would start to look at myself and wonder what was it about me that was gravitating toward this type of man. IMO there's a repetitious dynamic going on here with the men you are attracted to...think on that for a bit. The only thing that you can control and work on is YOURSELF, not the man in your life. set(reset?) your BS gauge on zero and move on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-21-2004 - 4:44pm
The odds are he will cheat again. Why invest time in an unsure relationship?

It's rough going nowadays in the dating world. There is so much temptation and so many sources to get them.