Found out my ex cheated for 2 years
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| Tue, 10-19-2004 - 10:28pm |
We broke up in May 2004 quite amicably because we simply weren't in love at the time. Our relationship had grown stagnant the past several months. It wasn't until just last night, however, that I found out he has been living a double life with another women in a town 2 hours away. He had always told me he was visiting friends in the bay area, and since I knew he grew up in the bay area, I believed him.
Well, it turns out that these trips were to see this other woman. I read the online (public knowledge) journals and found entries back to September 2002 about their beautiful, loving relationship. There are pictures of their vacations together, weddings of friends and family, and of trips to see his family. I feel betrayed, used, and cheapened. I let him move in with me back in late 2002 because he was having trouble making ends meet with the tech market doing so poorly and starting a new career. I had no idea at the time that all this was going on behind my back. Would you expect anything less of your boyfriend of 6 years (at the time)? We'd been together 8 years by the time we broke up.
I don't know how to process this information or if I should even confront him about it. Two years of our relationship had been a complete lie. He used me financially and sexually, and he was with her the entire time. I did have suspicions once in awhile, and whenever I brought it up, he'd get angry and tell me that I was insecure, too jealous, clingy (for wanting to see him more than once or twice a week whenever he made it home), or needy, or that I lacked trust in men and should just trust him. I am none of those things. I am one of the most low-maintenance girlfriends a man could have. But, he made me feel as if I lacked trust, and now I see that much of what he was doing was emotional abuse.
She has no idea about me (as I can see from her entries on the journal). Should I tell him AND/OR her that I know? I don't hate her. More than likely, this girl is as innocent in this as I am and I'd hate to see him hurt her. He is the pig. Please, if anyone has any advice for me, I'd really appreciate it.

Having been on the receiving end of a cheating husband, I can assure you had anyone come to me during the time to tell me, I would have lashed out.
Just leave well enough alone and be happy you are out of this drama.
She'll find out sooner or later and you don't need to be the one to tell her. You'll just look as though you are sour about the breakup.
Wow, I can understand your frustration!
But look at it this way, he's out of your hair now, why drag it back up and start beating it out now? Sure, you have a right to be angry, and you should be! But now is NOT the time to be hashing it out, you are no longer with him and have moved on.
You could write him a letter and tell him that you know what he has done. Hopefully he's not continuing on with the double life on this woman and someone new. Does she have a right to know? Yes. Should it come from you? No. You would just be seen as a spitefull ex who is trying to disrupt his life.
Good luck.
Alison