found the porn what to do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2004
found the porn what to do?
22
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 9:22pm
I mean I know that porn is normal, but for some reason I feel that if he has to look at another girl to "please" himself, then he cares less about me. It's no big deal or anything it's just I found some on his computer and it made me feel, well insignificant. I feel like I'm not good enough. He told me he only used it when I was gone for the weekend. It was only a weekend, I don't see why he can't wait for me, I could wait for him. How should I feel? Am I overreacting? What should I do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 7:25pm

There's no right or wrong attitude when it comes to an adult's sexual preference.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 8:18pm
Try thinking about this in another way. Lots of women in relationships read romance novels and become aroused. Generally speaking, men are aroused visually and women are more often aroused through fantasies. The romance novel industry is highly lucrative for the same reason porn is and men aren't the ones buying those books. Wouldn't you think your man would be silly to feel threatened, insignificant, unloved or undesirable if you read one of those bodice rippers featuring a sexy, suave hero with chisled pecs and a full head of wavy hair (even if he was worried about his receding hairline and his potbelly?) Wouldn't you say to him that your enjoyment of it had nothing to do with your feelings for him, that you know the difference between fantasy and the real thing and there's no contest when it comes to what you value more? It's simply entertainment to you, a little tittilation - completely harmless. And what if he couldn't just let it be and wanted you to read these books aloud to him so you could "enjoy" it together, not because he had a genuine interest in the books but because he just couldn't allow you to have sexy thoughts without his presence? Might that detract from your enjoyment of the book? Chances are that's exactly how he feels.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2004
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 9:04pm
THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! I mean everyone really made sense with what they said, but you helped me relate to him and how he might feel. I think that I'm just not going to say anything to him any more about the porn, and really it was my fault that I knew about it because I was looking for agame file on his comp. when I found it. So I think I'll just have him find the files from now on. Thanks again, you made me feel a lot better about knowing that he looks at it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 11:57pm
The problem with porn is when your partner doesn't like it. When they are made to feel inadequate over it or insecure or whatever it causes in them and the partner doesn't care. It's like any other thing that your partner has a problem with, if you love and respect your partner, if you want your partner to be happy in your relationship, you give those things up...you give up pot or working on Saturdays, calling your ex, flirting with co-workers, whatever it it is. You put the relationship and your partner first. If he is arguing that she should get over it, that everyone else does it, there's no problem...well, there IS a problem. She is getting hurt. And if the guy won't let go of it, gets defensive and protective about his porn, then the girl needs to move on because he's just stated that his need for porn is greater than her feelings. He's chosen the porn over the relationship. And it's sad and it isn't. They both need to find partners who will love them as they are, not try to change them.

It's different when your partner is open and receptive to porn. There are women who enjoy porn by themselves and with their partners, but that's not the issue here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 12:08am
I agree with you...and I don't think that you're 'too much' of a feminist...I don't think that there are enough of us. (off on a tangent) there was an article about a (married) man who spent his lunch hours in strip joints, just watching, not hiring or touching. He really felt that he was helping out these single moms and college girls, that if he wasn't there, they wouldn't have money. Like he was helping them out. And his marriage? Well, they were just married, but not really a couple anymore...I just wonder if he devoted as much time to his wife as he did to strip clubs (time and money) if his relationship wouldn't warm up a little. People will say all manner of thing to justify their behavior.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 12:34pm
How do you think that men change the way they deal with their sexuality?

In my opinion pimp and slut are equally demeaning roles. I think as human beings both sluts and pimps diminish us all. I'd be curious to know what others think about that.

I think that if one wants to do those things it private it should be their perogative. I wouldn't view that as pathetic.

How have you come to terms with your boyfriends behavior that isn't acceptable to you?

I'm not sure if one can be too much of a feminist. I suppose if you put the rights of females above the rights of others it might be possible. But that might not be within the definition of feminism. I'm going to look the term up.

MB


Edited 8/20/2004 1:56 pm ET ET by ivblunt1

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-29-2004
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 4:51pm
definition of feminist

"advocating equal rights for women" Which means everyone could be a femininst -men or women.

I do believe that your thoughts and viewpoints on sexuality need to be in synch with your partner for a successfull relationship.

You can disagree about what to have for dinner but when it comes to expressing your sexuality it must be mutual interests and mutually respected.

Sex is a big and important part of a relationship and is through the years of marriage or relationships.

Although I respect and admire those who wait until marriage - I know for me that before I enter into a permanent bond I want to make sure I have a partner who has the same feelings about sex and sexuality that I do.


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2004
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 10:30pm
Thanks you guys for your opinions, but I've come up with my own solution. I've decided that if he wants to watch it that's cool, because it doesn't effect our relationship. I mean at first it made me feel like I wasn't good enough, but some of your comments made a lot of sense and I love him too much to let something stupid like porn tear us up. Now when he starts going and LOOKING for other girls then I'll have a problem. So you guys helped me feel a lot better. Thanks again
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2004
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 12:21am
You know...I have to disagree. While I wouldn't say "overreact" to finding porn on the PC...I would say that it could signal something in the relationship.

Here's my story:

It started with porn. I talked to my H about how it made me feel. He admitted that I was a little heavy and didn't do it for him (the words were much more subtle than that but so began the emotional abuse). Next it was chatting with women online. I tried to talk to him about this - explained I would be happy to talk with him myself. I even offered to do "different" things in the bedroom with him to keep his interest. Then came the infidelity. Only to learn that again, I was inadequate. Well, he's X-H now. And I'm much happier.

Does that mean that my situation is the cookie cutter for everyone? No, I'm not suggesting that. BUT...I am saying that if she feels concerned...she has a right to be concerned. I would suggest talking about things in a calm, rational manner - suggesting you watch porn together may have thrown him off a bit...hence the awkwardness. BUT...do feel secure in you. IF he is looking at other women because he finds a flaw in you (and that's a big IF) then you don't need him anyway. Be secure in yourself enough to know that you are you...no one can change that...and no one should. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 2:36pm

So the first clue you had that your marriage was in trouble

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