Four Weddings and a Funeral

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
Four Weddings and a Funeral
2
Thu, 12-02-2004 - 11:46pm

I feel like that woman who tells the main character in the movie Four Weddings and a Funeral that she has loved him for years. When I saw that for the first time, it really made me cry, because:

I have fallen in love with a wonderful man. He's single, about 4 years different in age. I'm single. We are good friends, AND HE IS CLUELESS about how I feel. I would think I'd died and gone to heaven if he even gave me so much as a second glance.

I've known him long enough to know all the icky bits, (very few) and to know that we get along really well have the same goals and ambitions, enjoy the same sorts of things, and see eye to eye on most things.

Some small part of me knows he loves me but not THAT way. And that small part of me says he would be really uncomfortable knowing how I feel about him and so telling him would ruin the friendship we do have. (I've also known him long enough to know that I am NOT what he wants in a woman.)

So, I've tried dating other men and end up making comparisons. No one else measures up, makes me feel happy like he does, treats me as well as he does, makes me laugh like he does, and makes me feel loved and appreciated like he does.

I've even gone so far as to consider moving a long ways away so I can get over him and find someone else. I even tried it and he kept calling to ask when I was coming home.

Time is making this harder, not easier, because the longer I know him the more I love and admire him. So what now?

Should I tell him and if he can't handle it, break off the friendship and move away? Should I keep it to myself and cherish the friendship for what it is and hope something eventually happens?

Any ideas?




Edited 12/3/2004 3:22 am ET ET by sarazwork
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2004
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 5:47am
greetings sarazwork,
bellina sends cheers! I've definitely been in your position when I was younger and resided in my native land,England.A fellow I'd grew up with in my teens to early 20's,was a neighbor,lived down the road,even went to same High school.He was 2 years older,so when I was a junior Paul was a senior.We did lots of things together,helped me with studies in my worst subjects,Geometry,trigonometry,and chemistry,kind of a personal tudor and wonderful friend.Our families knew one another and our mums were ladyfriends,sweet right.
After school ended,I'd really found myself more drawn to him than just bestmates,as he'd also seemed to be attracted to me too.Told me how much I'd blossomed from a shy,plain violet to a pretty(never thought I was)and more petite version of Olivia Newton'John(his comparisons and other friends).Anyway we'd seem to confide in each other,hung out more like boyfriend/girlfriends,even began kissing,but nothing more.So I merely thought he was
just affectionate,noother advances .I however was falling hard for him,as he too was quite handsome resemblance to Pierce Brosnan with lighter hair and very charming as well.
One day I sort of lost my inhibitions,while we're at a holiday party,and had too much fruit punch(lots of rum),in a quiet corner I kissed Paul,but more passionately.He was surprised,as were my friends who always called me Sandra(like Olivia's shy part in Grease),that was me.Paul acted very suave,but a bit uncomfortable in my boldness.Latere
when the punch wore off,I apologized,but truly shouldn't have.P.S.he never really knew I was in love with him,until a year later..Unfortunately,he moved a town away to pursue his career in architecture/builder fields,and became romantic with another gal.I met up with him while I was attending fashion/art college,still not knowing his status.We'd meet for lunches,as we were so close in my college and his office proximities.He seemed very warm and would even get affectionate,again kissing?Very confusing feelings came for him and me too. He told me of this gal he'd been dating,but we'd just have lunch,nothing more.He said he'd always had a strong attraction for me,but us being schoolmates and a tad older,didn't make a move on me.I finally told him I'd felt strongly for him,but being shy never let him know.He was feeling this,and said somehow was afraid of losing our long friendship!I cried openly,and he hugged me,said if only we both weren't so afraid,things could be different,but he was involved too deep with this gal,didn't want to complicate matters. All I can say is,don't wait,perhaps he's feeling love for you too.As he was upset when you moved,that may be something right there.Don't be afraid to express this to him.You may be pleasantly surprised to know feelings are mutual!If not perhaps being friends for you is too painful,then distance yourself,as i had to from Paul.This doesn't have to be your outcome though,if you tell him.It's all up to you.Best wishes,Bellina
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 5:35pm

I am of the firm belief that if he is basically an emotionally healthy guy and available for a r'ship, then if he were interested in you romantically, he would have made that clear by now.

I have also found that if you are TRULY friends, confessing your feelings and asking him how he feels may be uncomfortable for a while but it won't destroy the friendship. If YOU can deal with him saying sorry, he doesn't feel that way about you and go on being friends, then go for it, just so you don't suffer from the "what ifs".

If you can't deal with being friends right now, then it would make sense to put off continuing to be friends until you are over your romantic feelings for him. Sometimes, hearing from his lips that he's just not interested in you that way is enough. Other times, you may need to take a break from being friends. I don't think *moving* is necessary though; a simple "I need to take a break and I'll be back in touch when I'm ready to resume our friendship" should suffice if he respects you.

Sheri